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Is His Suspicion Because of Me, or...?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BiGemini87, Apr 3, 2021.

  1. BiGemini87

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    Hey, all.

    I'm not really looking for advice or anything. More just trying to get this out of my head, I guess.

    So, a couple of days ago I saw a friend for coffee. It was the first time I'd seen her since December, so I was pretty happy. As we're sitting in her car, drinking our coffees, she's catching me up on everything that's been going on lately. Partway in, she mentions how her husband-to-be (friends with my husband, and while I'm not sure he views me as one himself, I do count him as a sort of friend, too) has not been himself of late. Amongst other things, he's been oddly jealous and suspicious.

    Following that, she said he was even a bit jealous that she and I were having coffee. When I asked why, she said, "He thinks we're going to make out, or something." After my bewildered "What?" she went on further to explain that she'd been honest with him about how she'd experimented with other women in her younger years, supposing that's where some of his insecurities lay.

    But to me, it felt like she threw that in because she knew where my head had gone; to wondering if he knows I'm bisexual. She knows, like many others, because when I posted it publicly on social media, she saw it. And while I don't hide my orientation, I haven't exactly announced it for all to hear outside of that post over a year ago. Which means if he knows, he knows through her--which isn't a problem, because I wouldn't have come out if I was worried about word getting around. Had that been a concern, I would have limited who I told.

    But naturally, this has me begging the question: Was his reaction really just borne of knowing her past explorations? Would he have reacted the same way had she been having coffee with any other female friend?

    Or is it because it's me that it got him all twisted?

    To clarify, she did express him having mistrust regarding another male friend as well, so these issues are in all likelihood something he's dealing with internally--and to further clarify, he's at least talking to her about these feelings and seeing a therapist, so I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's a terrible, possessive, toxic guy.

    I don't know. I just get the sense that my orientation must have come out in conversation, probably when I came out, and that, coupled with her own experiences makes him expect the worst. At the same time, I can't help wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Still, it makes me wonder what to expect the next time I see him; whether if he's not being himself, if it's something I'm going to see as just him (as my husband has even said he's not been himself the last few times they've seen each other) or if I'm going to inevitably feel like I'm part of the problem.

    Anyway, sorry for the long, jumbled post. This has just been bugging me for a couple of days and I guess I just wanted to see what others might think, or if anyone has been in a similar situation.
     
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  2. QuietPeace

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    Wow, there was a lot to that. I am going to simply take stuff in order rather than try to combine and organize though it might mean that I will repeat myself. Straight off though I would say that this guy is waving red flags and that your friend should be paying very close attention to them.

    Massive, huge red flag. They are not married yet and he is showing this, how bad is he going to be once there is a commitment?

    Regardless of whether it is her past experimentation or your orientation that makes him think of this as a possibility this is again a very important red flag. The fact that he also has a problem with her around a man shows that he has issues trusting her and this is a red flag (the only reason that he might have a right to be suspicious is if she has cheated in the past)

    Just because someone is bi or bicurious does not make them a cheater (you or her). If he has issues with that those are his issues and again it would be another red flag. If he is not going to trust her around men because of making automatic assumptions that she will cheat and then also he will not trust her around women because of the same assumption then he is going to try to control her into not having anyone outside of him. Massive, massive, massive red flag. This is a recipe for an abusive relationship. You say he is not possessive or toxic but he is certainly acting like one and if he is acting this way at this stage it is only going to get worse if they marry.

    Who else can he be? Did he become possessed? The only person he can be is him, even if he has DID all of the alters are him. Possibly he has not shown this side of himself before but it is him. You say that he is in therapy, this is good, though in my experience people like this do not change. Even when they say they will it is only a manipulation.

    You may very well feel like you are a part of the problem. Controlling people are very good at making others assume the responsibility for their own issues. Do not allow him to project his insecurities onto you, if he tries know that you are not the problem. I know from experience that this is difficult.
     
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  3. dirtyshirt84

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    I would agree with QuietPeace that he sounds like he has general trust issues. It also doesn’t seem like a good sign prior to getting married.

    Just a thought but is it possible she finds you attractive?

    I have felt this way before, that some of my straight friends partners (who know I’m Bi) feel a bit threatened my be hanging out with them. And also gay women that I’m friends with partners too. They would never say anything but it’s just the vibe that I get. I do think though - do you trust your partner or not? And it is their insecurities unfortunately, you have done nothing wrong.

    When you see him, I would just act normal and like you usually would. Perhaps something else is going on that you don’t know about.
     
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  4. BiGemini87

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    @QuietPeace He's definitely not always like this, but I will admit he does have some very...sexist views that have made him and I passive-aggressively clash in the past. So yeah, he does have some well-known, borderline a-hole characteristics, but I always feel like I'm being too hard on him (especially when I catch sight of his good qualities, which really take the edge off of the things I find fault with). I think @dirtyshirt84 may have hit the nail on the head, too; it feels like there's something else going on, because I've never heard tell of him being jealous before.

    I'm fairly certain she doesn't have feelings for me of that kind, and hope for her sake that I'm right, as the feeling wouldn't be reciprocated.

    Thank you both so much for your insight. I do worry sometimes that they're tying the knot for the wrong reasons, but deep down I'm hoping he shapes up and proves me wrong. I don't think he'd ever be physically abusive toward my friend, but emotional/psychological? That...does seem likely, given his recent behaviour.

    I'll definitely take everything you've said to heart and do my utmost not to feel guilty when I've done nothing wrong. And sorry it was so long. ^^;
     
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  5. Comrade

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    Best of luck!
     
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  6. QuietPeace

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    I have been in multiple abusive relationships both physically and emotional/psychological. I would rather take a daily beating than take the emotional abuse. Bruises heal in no more than a couple of weeks while the emotional scars are lifelong.
     
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  7. BiGemini87

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    I've seen people use this rhetoric before, and to be honest (as someone who grew up in a household that was both), it rubs me the wrong way. Even physical abuse can have lasting psychological ramifications. When I wake in the night, plagued with C-PTSD night terrors of my tormentor, it's not his cruel words I remember; it's his complete lack of empathy and compassion as he laid hands on me.
     
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  8. QuietPeace

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    I am sorry that you experienced that. I am not certain how you meant your answer. It feels to me that by saying "use this rhetoric" you are implying that I am simply an outside observer and making a judgement about how people who experience abuse should react without any relevant personal experience. What I did was to relate personal experience. The intent was not to dismiss anyone else's experience but as a response to what felt to me as "physical abuse is what is serious and emotional/psychological is easy to get over" like my mother (who was both physically and emotionally/psychologically abusive) trying to gaslight me that words cannot hurt. Abuse is abuse, my original point was that her prospective spouse is someone that she needs to get away from.
     
  9. BiGemini87

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    I'm not implying that you're an outsider or that emotional abuse isn't serious--because of course it is. I have, however, so often seen people state that emotional is somehow worse that I've just grown weary of it. As bad? Certainly. Worse? No, not when the physical can still lead to much of the same psychological damage as well. When you said you'd rather be beaten every day, this suggested to me that you don't view physical abuse to be as serious as emotional, but I gather that wasn't your intended meaning from this reply, here.

    Whatever the case, I hold no ill towards you. :slight_smile: It's more that I wish people would be more cautious in how they phrase things; because like you, I've known both, and I wouldn't wish either on anyone (nor would I choose one over the other).

    I agree with you regarding my friend, though. Unless her husband-to-be can get the necessary help to improve upon his character, marriage seems unwise. The fact that they have a 7 year old and both have come from broken homes has likely coloured her perspective on the matter, however, so I don't feel qualified to advise her against it.
     
  10. Lin1

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    I had a similar experience with the first girl I fell for (at the time I thought I was straight).
    We randomly met at a mall and bonded immediately and started spending a ridiculous amount of time together but the second or third time we met she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend think you might be a lesbian and I think he might be jealous.

    I had never met the man at this point so found it a very strange assumption though her and I had spoken about our past exploration with girls.

    I guess he wasn’t wrong about me but I never intended to run in the sunset with his girlfriend.

    He showed many signs of jealousy and would never let her be alone with me in the same room as he was scared we would be making out/experimenting.

    I moved away but they are now married and have kids. I did find his behavior at the time kind of abusive though at least he never underestimated the bond between two women and if I am fully honest he wasn’t wrong to worry about the two of us.

    on the other hand some women really use the “X/Y/Z think we might end up making out! Haha” as a way to gauge your reaction because they actually want to go there and experiment with you. It has happened to me so many times it’s almost the most boring line I can hear nowadays.


    So I wonder if there is a bit of both, like he is being a bit of a jealous and abusive prick but maybe he can tell his wife might actually be into you and want to go there. (Not that it justifies or excuse his behavior)
     
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  11. BiGemini87

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    @Lin1 Thank you for sharing your story. That's actually really interesting, how it entered into his mind without ever having met you. Maybe he was picking up something on her side of things? Either way, I hope he treats her better now and with less suspicion than he did, then.

    Hmm...I really hope for my friend's sake she doesn't feel that way. Not that it's great that her SO is acting this way, regardless--but it would be easier all around to convince him nothing is at risk if there aren't feelings on either end. This has definitely given me something to think about, though. I'm not great on picking up when others are into me, so figuring out if this is the case might prove a challenge. ^^;
     
  12. dirtyshirt84

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    I wonder if this hits the nail on the head? Perhaps he picks up on something.

    I would agree that her saying that he thinks you are going to make out could be to gauge your reaction. It does seem a bit of a bicurious thing to say.

    I guess when I think about it when a friends partner hasn’t liked us hanging out in some cases it wasn’t without reason, if I’m being honest.
     
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  13. Lin1

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    I mean to be fair to him, my friend’s boyfriend was the first to pick up on it but literally everybody else picked up on it to too, from her mom making a comment about her having a feeling her daughter would be with me if it wasn’t for the boyfriend, and some random passerby randomly asking us if we were in a relationship because they were certain we were. «Straight» me was having an existential crisis and a very hard time convincing myself I was straight, and I seemed to be doing an even shittier job at convincing others I was lol, so I don’t blame him for not liking us hanging out too much, though to be fair, he never actually stopped her or anything but if we were hanging out and we were there and we would go to a room together to look at something or whatever you could absolutely be certain he would pop his head in two minutes later to make sure we were both properly dressed and “socially distancing“.

    I don’t think he was being abusive as much as he could tell his girlfriend was having an identity crisis and he was conscious there was a slight chance she might leave him for a girl and he was terrified of that.

    I mean I think I would feel similarly if I noticed similar feelings in a partner. So I think someone voicing concerns about a friendship is okay, someone trying to stop a partner from seeing a friend or meeting certain people is not though.

    about your friend, I would just study her body language. Usually the flirty behavior escalates from there, from experience so I would stay on the look out.
     
    #13 Lin1, Apr 7, 2021
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2021
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  14. BiGemini87

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    @Lin1 True, I imagine most anyone would feel a bit insecure if their partner was giving off a sort of vibe. He hasn't actively stopped this friend from seeing anyone (as far as I know; I mean, it didn't stop her from seeing me that time, so I have to assume he brought it up because he was honestly trying to be better than he's been before and communicate his feelings rather than bottle them up) so there's that. :slight_smile:

    I think I'll have to keep my eyes peeled for a couple of things, at any rate--her behaviour, and his. That said, I have my doubts I'll see either of them any time soon, since we've just been thrown into a more or less official lockdown again. Hopefully when next I see either of them, nothing uncomfortable will be brought up or occur. ^^;
     
  15. dirtyshirt84

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    This thread has made me think about something similar with a lesbian friend of mine. I get the feeling that her gf doesn’t like us hanging out and feels insecure about it. To be fair I did used to have a crush on her so perhaps I can see why she might have concerns. Having said that, I’m married and my friend really loves her gf and nothing has ever happened aside from a bit of flirting. I don’t want her to feel threatened by me and question if I have done something wrong? I do wonder sometimes if the gf behaviour is a little controlling.
     
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