Is He Genuinely Still Interested Or Are The Red Flags Too Obvious?

So I met someone on a dating site back in September. He lives two hours away. We have chatted on and off since then. It's generally me who was having to initiate but he'd always respond and chat. Then around Christmas and February there were some up and down blips where he dropped off radar again and came back a little stronger.

Since then things have developed considerably. He has initiated a lot of the chat, we spend lots of time chatting daily on text, have chatted on the phone a few times and we've gone on virtual dates together where we will hang out of an evening over text and maybe play a game or something. He even referred to it as our first date. He uses a lot of cute and complimentary language with me which he never used to do. We have also talked about meeting up in person when restrictions lift and even some mutual thoughts about a possible future together.

Last week everything was A1. Then we spoke next day on the phone and I just sensed a tiny hint from his chat and tone that something wasn't quite right. I wrote it off. Next day his texting pattern suddenly alters. Either taking a long time to open and reply or unusually flat responses with the absence of his usual xx's. My gut is screaming something is up.

He'd previously explained without me mentioning it that if I see him on certain gay chat apps then he's just opening his messages. He even sent me a screenshot of who he was talking to for some reason as if it was proof he wasn't "cheating" on me. I hadn't asked for such a thing or even mentioned it and said he could chat to who he wanted of course.

But FF to the last few days and he's been on that app again and another one which is absolutely a hook up only site. I don't think he knows I know he's on that one. And this is all whilst he has either apparently ignored my text or just responded flatly. The vibe I get is he is losing interest for some reason or juggling me with someone else.

I asked him had anything changed and he made up some excuse for not responding to the text (even though I had seen him on those sites so he wasn't busy) and he said nothing had changed for him and I shouldn't be paranoid.

But it still didn't add up. So I took a chill pill and next time we chatted it was OK. He asked me what I had planned for the day. I responded immediately and asked him something about how a situation at work was going for him and he didn't reply. The message didn't show as being read.

Meantime, I periodically check social media and those gay chat apps and he's been active on all. So that gets me upset of course. After twelve hours (considering we both normally text each other either immediately or as soon as we apparently can) he still hasn't bothered to open the message. It's so unlike the person I have come to know.

So I open up to him and just ask what's going on and explain how it's making me feel. Again he assures me nothing has changed on his end but reminded me that sometimes he gets overwhelmed with work and social situations and need to shut himself off. I can appreciate that and we chatted it out. He reassured me he would "try to be better". I just said no I want you to be yourself and we said goodnight to eachother xx

Next day he does text me in the evening. Tbh after the way he's been - and knowing how I feel - a text in the morning just saying "hey. Have a great day. Speak later?" is all I needed. But he leaves it till evening. OK fine. I reply as normal. A little careful not to appear too eager but I'm not into games so I keep the chat going but with a hair of restraint. He doesn't reply to my last message but it's not a big deal. It was a message that didn't need a reply. And besides I'm not expecting someone to be chatting continuously with me especially if he's doing his own thing. So after an hour I text him goodnight and he responds immediately with the same.

I catch myself checking those apps and he has been active on them in the last few minutes and goes back on them in the half hour that follows. So I feel cheated. I mean I thought we were both really into eachother and wanting to develop this. Of course we aren't exclusive yet but we have both intimated at one time or another that we want to make this work.

So, long story short - and sorry for all that lengthy detail - should I address the elephant in the room about him going on those sites when we are supposedly working to becoming a couple? I have no issue with him going on them to a certain extent but not when he is claiming he's tired / avoiding social media and could be chatting to me instead. That's the part I find deceitful.

 

Him going on those sites isn't the deal breaker. It's when he claims he's tired, wants to switch off from interaction or just is suddenly in this mode of being lukewarm - and then is clearly on hookup sites. And this change in his behaviour is very sudden. Its a total 180.

When someone says nothing has changed but then their behaviour suddenly has, how much trust do you extend?

He raised the subject of him being on one of those sites, not me. I told him when I go on them it's specifically to chat to a handful of people who I've engaged with in the past and just have regular chats with. We actually met on that app and yes some people do form friendships and even relationships from that we'll known app. I'm not wanting to hook up because I want this to work.

However the other site which is a Web only site is the one that troubles me. It is purely for hookups. I signed off since we've been getting tight because I'm just not interested in anyone else. When I saw him more on the well known app than usual I checked to see if he was on the website in question. And he was. Looking for hookups clearly while he's supposedly still interested in me.

And the only reason I've looked on those apps lately is to confirm my gut feelings about his change in behavior. Nobody is going to play me for a mug. I don't think honesty is too much to ask amongst grown adults.

 

Well I have already stated my position on it. Yes I could come down heavy and say if someone is sexting elsewhere then I'll just cut them off but I've had an entire life of not suffering fools gladly. Sometimes that wears thin. it's nice to cut people some slack for a change. I'm trying to ask for suggestions on ways to deal with a potentially tricky situation but considering we aren't dating yet I don't want to appear unreasonable. I know when someone is taking the piss, however.

 

I kind of agree yes. Many valid points. The only thing I'd say is I don't want to go out to bars where I live to meet guys because that's not my thing. Dating apps is the best I can hope for. I think at best he's saying he is still interested out of guilt but really he can't be. He went from hanging out all night on chat last night and him texting goodnight sweetheart to sending me precisely five words today and then not responding when I asked what he had planned for his day off. Meeting someone else probably. Ten hours later he still can't get in touch to ask how my day was. Yeah I've been down this road before. I guess I'm kind of done with him.