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Is feeling insecure a bad sign?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by crystalbal, May 6, 2021.

  1. crystalbal

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    Hello Members,

    I have a question for you all.

    If I feel very insecure about myself (as a single person) when looking at other couples in a relationship,
    is it a warning sign that I'm actually not ready for a love relationship in life yet?

    Thank you.
     
    #1 crystalbal, May 6, 2021
    Last edited: May 6, 2021
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @crystalbal,

    Can you explain what specifically it is that you feel insecure about?

    Low self esteem could put you at risk of falling into a relationship with an unhealthy dynamic or not recognising abusive behaviours in a relationship, so if that’s what you’re feeling then it would be worthwhile to spend some time working on yourself.
     
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  3. crystalbal

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    Hi LostInDaydreams,

    Thank you for your reply.

    It makes me feel like I'm not good-looking / attractive enough to be in a relationship.

    And I feel like I'm not likeable by other people which is why I'm single. I mean if I'm attractive, I would have been in a relationship by now.

    I find that only those people who are good-looking / attractive are successful in finding a partner and being in a relationship.

    And it also makes me feel like I'm a person with no luck in being in a relationship. I feel like Lady Luck has showered her grace on those who are in a relationship and chose to cast me aside empty-handed instead.
     
  4. QuietPeace

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    Looks are not the main thing for relationships, maybe for casual hookups but not a relationship. I am not an attractive person, I have had both my nose and jaw broken and then not been set correctly. Even prior to the injuries I was a plain woman. I am also not even that pleasant of a person and yet with work I have been in several relationships (admittedly ones that I wish I had avoided) and now I am in another relationship with a decent guy. It does not have anything with luck, if it were not for bad luck I would have no luck at all.

    Try making friends and developing that type of relationship and eventually a closer intimate type of relationship can develop. Just remember
     
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  5. PatrickUK

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    It's not quite that simple. In order to have a relationship, we need to make ourselves available; we need to be open to the idea of dating and take steps to make it known that a relationship is what we want. What steps have you actually taken?

    What you describe here as insecurity could actually be about confidence. Confidence doesn't come from being "good looking", but is something we hold within ourselves. If you are lacking in confidence there are steps you can take to try to remedy the situation. Do you think it is insecurity or a confidence issue?
     
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  6. Aspen

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    Like Patrick said, it’s not that simple. Finding relationships takes a little luck, sure, but they also take work. You have to allow opportunities to meet new people, get to know them, and sometimes take the leap into asking them out. A person could be the most attractive person in the world, but they won’t date anyone if they’re not open to it.

    A note on insecurity, many people in toxic relationships stay in them because they fear being alone or they feel that they’ll never be able to find anyone else. It isn't a warning sign that you shouldn't be in a relationship, but it is something to stay aware of.
     
  7. crystalbal

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    Okay, I have not taken very big steps. I have tried talking to some guys online (through dating websites). However, they stopped talking to me after a rounds of conversation. Maybe I'm too boring for them.

    I think after reading the posts in this thread, I feel it is a confidence issue.
     
  8. Embarassed

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    Into my thirties, I had never been in a relationship. I had lots of friends and lots of dates but never a partner. I wondered whether there was just "something about me." And then, suddenly, I met my partner. We've been together now for a number of years. I would say, @crystalbal, to never lose heart. It may seem like you're destined to be alone, but you really have no idea what's going to happen. And you are absolutely not boring to the person who finds you wonderful. It only takes one.
     
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  9. Suitsme

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    Feeling insecure isn’t a bad sign per se.

    From what I picked up from your post, perhaps it just means that you have a lacking in confidence about yourself if you imagine yourself in a relationship, for whatever reason.

    Are you confident in yourself? Remember that with ourselves we have so much that is positive but we all tend to look at the negatives. We focus more and more on the negatives and let those thoughts of ours make us feel worthless at times.

    Whether it’s something to do with how we look, if we are shy in communicating, if we feel uneducated, etc etc ... so many things can make us self conscious.

    From my own experience, likes attract likes. We tend (usually) to make connections with people who share similarities with us and that gives an instant bond with each other in a friendship way and sometimes the connection grows into a more romantic love.

    So perhaps when you see a happy couple just imagine how they have connected on many different levels.

    If you’re self conscious about your body or looks.... most of us are one way or another but with the right partner it really doesn’t matter.
     
    #9 Suitsme, May 16, 2021
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2021
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  10. SteveBi45

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    For me, what makes someone attractive is their personality. If you find someone attractive as a person, the physical attraction comes naturally.

    It sounds like you lack confidence. It’s a bit of a catch 22. Not having a relationship seems to be taking your confidence away.

    I was in the same situation for many years. Being confused about my own sexuality at the time also didn’t help. I found the best thing was to focus on myself and loving myself for who I am. I couldn’t expect someone else to love me if I didn’t love myself first.

    Love has always come to me at times when I least expected it and when I wasn’t searching for it.

    i agree with everyone else here. There is someone out there for everyone and I am sure you will them. But sometimes the best way to do that is to stop searching and take care of yourself first. Confidence is a major attraction.
     
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    I wouldn’t assume that this means you’re boring. It’s not reasonable to expect to hit it off with everyone, perhaps even most people. There could be any number of reasons why they didn’t reply and you’ll probably never know why. It can be hard, but you just have to try to put it behind you and move past it, particularly as it’s a common occurrence with dating apps.

    That you assume it was because you are boring, which I’m sure you’re not, would also suggest that there is a lack of confidence or self esteem at play. This is something that you can work on, which could take the form of working towards accepting who are (generally, not sexuality wise) and perhaps identifying some ways that you could boost your confidence.
     
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  12. crystalbal

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    Thank you for your kind words. My eyes welled up with tears after reading your post. You understand how I am feeling.

    Just like the phrase in bold, after 11 years of trying to find a relationship, I started to think that I'm meant to be alone in life.

    I feel like the fox in the Aesop's Fable: The Fox & the Grapes. I feel like giving up saying that the grape is sour anyway (i.e I'm not meant to be in a relationship anyway.)

    I'll be hopeful that future has better plans for me.
     
  13. crystalbal

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    To all members, thank you for your posts. I really appreciate them.

    Thanks to those who have written kind words in your posts. I feel better after reading them.

    I'll take the advices and try to improve myself.
     
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  14. PatrickUK

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    Another thing to consider is your location. Is it possible that you are being held back because of where you live? I know many gay men in my own country who moved to the bigger cities to broaden their experience and opportunity of dating and meeting like-minded people. Sadly, if we live in a small town or country (or a small minded town or country) we have to think about our options more carefully. Where do you stand in this regard?
     
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  15. resu

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    Patrick has a good point that sometimes it’s the surroundings that make it difficult to find matches, which is not your fault. And remember not everyone will be using dating apps, so getting some LGBT friends could help you find others who are “offline”.

    I also will say people can be more picky on dating apps because it is easier to ignore others there than if you met someone in real life. It’s helpful to arrange an in-person meeting (somewhere safe like going for coffee) because many people don’t keep up with online messages. You do have to be cautious because some people are only looking to hookup, including people already in relationships.

    It is never too late to find someone, and in the meantime you can do self-development like financial/physical independence and getting into hobbies/clubs that interest you. This will make you better prepared for any relationship.
     
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  16. Ram90

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    Hey @crystalbal. I struggled with issues of self-esteem, confidence, body-image and self-hate for a long time. In my heart of hearts, I know that I'm still not completely over them. I spent years in a shell, and in retrospect I think I let good friends and potentially good people go, since I never let them in. Dating can be hard. For the longest time I lived in India, where almost the only way to meet other LGBTQ+ people was through dating apps. 9 guys would block me, or say no, after I would message them. It crushed my confidence, but I kept my positivity afloat for the one guy who would reply and would be polite and converse with me.

    I eventually found some great guys who I'm friends with to this day. :slight_smile:. I cherish their friendship, as they know what I'm going through and we do chat and talk from time to time. I even met some guys who I hooked up with. Yes, I was terribly shy. And yes, almost all of them never met me, after the one time. But I did not let that get to me. It took a lot of effort for me to convince myself that they did not "ditch" me. I "chose" to not meet them again. It WILL take time and effort. But YOU are deserving of the same opportunity, happiness, time and effort as YOU put when you chat or meet other guys. It will be hard. It was hard for me, too. But you can find happiness and love yourself. Please, don't stop trying. :hugging:
     
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