What is worth more? Building a future? Having a nice financial opportunity to go to university and get a chance to make something out of your life. Having a family that loves you, conditionally, but still loves and is proud of you. Or is it more worth it to have freedom, even if that means not having any luxuries. Even if that means possibly not having a home, not having a family that loves you. And potentially almost permanently ruining the relationship with your own family. I just don't know anymore. For the longest time, I thought that the first option was the sole option I should stick with. Since I knew I was gay back at the age of 15, I decided it was best to keep it hidden knowing my dad threatened me multiple times to kick me out if he ever found out I was gay (I assumed he and my mom suspected and he wanted to somehow scare me into not being gay or something). It's hard to explain exactly why my father is homophobic. He's not really religious, although I guess he does like catholic stuff. He grew up in Venezuela and always talked about how nobody there would ever dare come out as gay. I suppose in latino cultures, there's this thing called "Maschismo", there men are expected to "be manly" and "Act like men". And if you're an effeminate guy, or god forbid, have an interest in other men, then that somehow makes you a laughing stock. That makes you some kind of terrible embarressment. It's the only explanation I can think of. And it's very insulting to me that something so trivial is preventing me from just being who I am. Point is. My dad would loathe having a gay son. And it's almost strange how adamant he is about it. He just REALLY hates gay people. He insults and laughs at them when they come on TV. Makes fun of them in public. He even told me he hopes none of my college roommates turn out to be gay (Although I think he's secretly afraid I might hook up with them. Though considering I'm overweight I doubt they'd find me attractive anyway. Sigh...) My dad found out my sister was bi waaaay back in the day. Probably about 14 years ago. They found out by reading her journal or something. Although she still insists on who she is, he still doesn't accept it and even thought she was "Cured" when she got a boyfriend (despite the fact that bisexual people can in fact love people of either gender, it doesn't change the fact that they are still queer). I just don't understand. Does he not realize that everytime he makes a stupid comment, it pierces my self-confidence. Does he not understand the four year depression he put me through. The massive self-loathing I went through. The suicidal thoughts I had. Does he not even realize that most of the depression and anxiety I go through were like 90% caused by him? I don't understand why he's so fucking in denial of everything all the time. He is fucking stubborn and believes in what HE wants to believe, and emotionally shuts down everytime he doesn't get his way. He can't handle stress or emotion so he gets angry and sticks to his stubborn beliefs no matter what. He can watch his son crumble in front of him and not care as long as he gets his way. He's no better than a child. Throwing a tantrum because he didn't get a straight son. Yet he has me by a leash. He controls everything in my life. Why? Because of this magical thing the world runs on. MONEY. He supports me financially. The car I own? He lent me. He could easily take it away from me, throwing away my transportation device. The university I go to? He also heavily financially supports me there. I could lose out on college and all that if I was gay. Everything I own. Every opportunity I have. All of that is because of him. And I am grateful for that. I'm very thankful for everything he has given me. And I relish the opportunities I have given myself because of the hiding of my sexuality for all these years. But I'm SICK of this. It's so insulting to have to lie about who I am. It's degrading everytime he bothers me about getting a girlfriend KNOWING that I can't say anything back. It's ridiculous that I have to lock my computer all the time in paranoia that he'll go on and see some gay stuff I have on there. (Perhaps he'd check my browser history and see EC or something). It's annoying that I have to be on the down low and never tell him when I go to a gay club or something. I'm tired of living a lie just so I can have money. I understand the financial opportunity I have is a blessing. I can build myself a future as long as I pretend I'm straight for four more years. But I don't think I can do it anymore. I don't think I can lie anymore. It hurts too much in the inside. I am just sick of this. I never asked for this. Being gay just ruined everything. My dad's whole side of the family is full of maschismo supporting gay hating people. My mom's side of the family. Even worse. They're all super white conservatives who would all theoretically burn me at the stake if they knew I was gay. It's just every single family member I have would just turn on me. My grandmother, who is the sweetest woman in the world, would begin to detest me if she knew. It's like the only two people I have in this world are my sister and stepmom. Speaking of my stepmom. She obviously knows I'm gay even though I haven't told her. She's not dumb. She can read the air and probably has some idea of what's going on. If so, then why doesn't she defend me? She's supportive of gay people. She adores me. Why does she never help me? Does she not want to get involved? Does she realize the futility of my dad ever accepting me. Even if she did help me, it might make things worse. Imagine if she broke up with my dad and then he blamed ME for it for ruining the family. I could potentially split my family apart just for being myself. It's like I'm just some terrible monster or something! More than losing money. The worst thing that would happen is losing my dad's love. There's nothing more special then him being proud of me whenever I do something great. Like when I make good grades or do good at work. If I were to come out to him. I might risk him never wanting to talk to me again. Our relationship may never be the same again. I take that back. Our relationship will NEVER be the same again. For better or for worse. I just don't understand how people can just say "fuck family" and just say things like "I don't need them if they can't accept me". I am a family person. My family is very important to me. I'd do anything for them. Why must I give them up over something about me that I DIDN'T EVEN CHOOSE! I'm honestly thinking that if I can't be myself. I'm not even living. Back then I thought it was stupid to give up my financial opportunities and love just to "be myself". I'm honestly considering just coming out. I'll try to stand strong. I'll try to fight for my right not to get kicked out. Maybe if I try hard enough, I can convince him NOT to kick me out. Maybe I can delude myself into thinking I can make him accept me. But at the same time. this is a losing battle. I not stupid. And i hate deluding myself into a false truth. I know what will happen. and I'm almost willing to accept the consequences. I am angry. I am tired. I just want to escape this toxic household and be free. I'm like a bird trying to open its own cage. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself. I tend to drown in self-pity a lot with the "poor me" train. But fuck, I just don't know what to do anymore. Is it worth living a lie just for opportunity? Or should I just say fuck all and give up everything I have just so I can be free. So I can finally just date guys and not have to feel ashamed. So I can just be open about who I am without having to give a fuck what people think. I just don't know anymore... I know it's better to lie. I need to protect my future. My chance. But I just only recently accepted who I was. And I don't want to make a reversal and go back into that dark scary pit of depression. Four years of that. About four years ago, after my biological mother died (She had a lung disease from smoking), I guess maybe the stress of the loss was too much. But I ended up just going into some deep dark hole of despair. It's hard to describe the feeling. But basically I would, almost everyday, berate myself in my head. I would talk down to myself. Things like "I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm a failure of a son". I hated who I was and blamed myself for being gay. Thinking I was too weak-willed to stand up to these attractions. I felt I had no value as a human and was just better off dead. It wasn't until I met another gay friend online who really helped me through this. I can now say, with confidence, that being gay doesn't make me a bad person. I can stand strong finally and not hate myself everyday. It's really nice to finally not have those shamed feelings. Now, they come back sometimes, but they are nowhere near as bad. But I'm starting to make a reversal. I've noticed the shame thoughts coming back. And I think it's because I'm still in the closet. Still around a toxic household. I will be moving to university soon, where I'll be away from my dad for a while. Since I'll be living in an apartment with some roommates. So I guess I could wait for that, and stay in the closet. But I would still have to hide. I'd still have to never tell my family about my love life. I just wanna be open, and honest, and me. -- It took me a while to muster up the courage to make this thread. I don't know why, but I always feel embarrassed and hesitant to bring my problems to light. But I guess I just am desperate at this point, needing someone to help. I'm only human after all...
This may not be about being gay, almost, but not quite, at all. You are rebelling at the idea of another person controlling you. With money, and to a great extent, with approval. Sexual orientation aside, for most of us this is grating and bothers us a great deal. I think you should consider de-emphasizing coming out, and instead plot a course to self-sufficiency. This could be a long-term plan. It could be difficult. It won't be easy. However, it is clearly very important to you that no one else should control your life, by using any form of material blackmail or coercion. This idea transcends the idea of sexual orientation. That is but one example of something you cannot make a free choice on, because you are dependent on another person who doesn't approve of you. I am sorry about the quality of your relationship with your father. It appears quite likely that if you succeed in your independence, that your relationship may be estranged. The question is, how do you prepare for this?
It's better to live a life of lies until you're financially independent. Then you can decide what to do next, like cut all ties with him, move to some other place far away and so on. Sometimes you have to push yourself through all the discomfort, because in the end, it's almost always worth it.
Thanks for the responses, guys ^_^ That could be the case. I guess the knowledge that I'm heavily restricted and being controlled through circumstance could be what's hurting me. As for what I'm gonna do about my father? Unfortunately, there's not much I could do. When I come out to him, I'm not gonna take the aggressive approach at first. I'm not gonna just yell "I'm gay and you can't do anything about it!" because then that will put him on the defense. Instead, I'll take a more soft route and try to really explain the effects of the depression I went through and why him not accepting me hurt him. I'll try not to sound as accusing as possible during this explanation, as to not put him on the defense. I think that if he understands that I can't change and that by not accepting me, he's contributing to my anxiety and depression, he might strive to change himself out of the love for his son. Unfortunately, I still believe a lot of his love is still conditional, even though he clearly cares for me. I feel like he'd still give it up because he just, for some reason, adamantly cannot STAND the thought of a gay son. I'm still going to try. If it doesn't work out, then I'm gonna have to just stop talking to him. Completely get away from him and his toxic influence. That means I won't be showing up on family holidays, or any of that. But it's for the best, I guess... In the end, this is probably for the best. I've been enduring so long for this moment. All those years of depression. If I just came out now, I would have completely let all that go in vain. I should stick with my decision to the end.
This is a complex issue considering your financial dependence. I was in a similar boat for a while. It sucks when you have people around you that you know won't accept you but you depend on them. You start to feel like you are being held hostage. Ideally the solution is to gain financial dependence and come out. You said you were going to college? Are you moving away from home? Is there a way you can cut your dependence? I also think you shouldn't view your parents or your family any differently than you would view anyone else who doesn't accept you as you. It doesn't matter that they raised you or supported you blah blah blah. They're supposed to do that. They had you. You didn't have a choice. Don't let them manipulate you, and don't manipulative yourself for them by falling into the trap of "But we've done so much for you!"
Support yourself, come out, and walk away from them if they aren't understanding. I walked away from a ton of money because my biological father as I call him, is a true a-hole. He insulted my wife the first time he talked to her, 8 years ago, and he has not had the pleasure of speaking to me since (though he tried by offering money, nope).
As hard as it is, you've just got to hang in there and get your degree and then get a job and go your own way. Your father may never accept you as you are and you'll probably never change him. But you're the most important person in this situation and you've got to take care of yourself. When I was a student, I made friends with a (straight) guy and became friends with his entire family. His father was the kind of man my father never was and I felt accepted and valued by him just as I was and he became an important person in my life in a way my father never wanted to be. So maybe there's an adult male in your life who can be the same in your life. It'll never replace the hurt and lonliness of knowing your own father isn't this person in your life, but it will help. Good luck.
