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Is anyone else bi and on the asexual scale?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Hickeys, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. Hickeys

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    im realizing I might be both bi and somewhat aromantic or asexual due to the lack of enjoyment I get from the physical part of being with someone, infact I’m very comfortable touching people I’m close friends with but not at all with people who seem to have a thing for me, I’m pretty distant, non affectionate and I’m noticing it’s hurting the people who have a thing for me, I feel bad because I can’t help it. I wish I had that desire to reciprocate but it’s a very very rare feeling. I love spending time with them but as soon as it reaches that point let’s just say I curl into myself LMAO
     
  2. Chiroptera

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    There's no scientific evidence of a separation between romantic and sexual attractions. Furthermore, the very definition of the labels makes it so that bisexuality and asexuality are completely different concepts.

    If the problem is just that you aren't interested in people who are interested... Well, that's normal. Your label is defined by who you are attracted to, and not who is attracted to you. Furthermore, being bi means you may be attracted to people of more than 1 gender. It doesn't mean you are obligated to like all people (just like a straight woman doesn't like all and every man).

    An asexual, on the other hand, isn't interested in sex, in general. If I don't want to have sex with person A, but I like B, then that doesn't mean I'm partially asexual. It just means I'm not attracted to person A.
     
  3. Chip

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    One other thing I'd add here: The responses you describe are often a byproduct of family-of-origin issues. If there was trauma, invalidation, lack of attention to your needs, or simply not being listened and attended to by your parents... all of those things will contribute to how you relate to others. The good news is, those are all solvable issues, as they are learned behaviors. Does any of that resonate for you?
     
  4. Hickeys

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    Thing is I have been attracted to and had romantic feelings for people that I just didn’t feel the urge to initiate something sexual with, but I heard that some people on the asexual spectrum will still have sex for the connection of the performance rather than actual personal pleasure. So for me when I do it I feel I resonate with that because I don’t feel uncomfortable doing it with someone I am in love with, but I cannot do anything casual.
     
  5. Hickeys

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    I grew up pretty independent since I was an only child and my father was very busy raising me by himself even though he’s my bestfriend, so the trauma I have would come from arguments the rest of the family would have but I’m not sure if that’s related at all...Because I don’t resent those things, I am really platonically affectionate so I’m not actually cold but when it comes to spending time with someone if I could choose to never do those things and spending time with them be the only factor than I would!
     
  6. gravechild

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    I've had people suggest asexuality (or somewhere on the grey scale) for me, too. Reason being I've gone years without relationships or sex and not feeling much bothered by it. Some people can't go a month long without sex, but my drive is high enough that I "should" have been looking for it years ago!

    The fascination so many people seem to have with genitalia is completely foreign to me, too.
     
  7. Libra Neko

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    I"m bi-romantic and somewhat asexual (thanks to medication).
     
  8. Chip

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    Based on the attachment literature, and what you are describing, your childhood would likely be the source of the way you attach now. It's too nuanced to explain in a paragraph, but it's likely that very, very early, a pattern was set, from which the independence developed, that also makes it difficult to fully experience emotions. It's a learned behavior, not hardwired. If you read Gabor Mate's "Hold On to Your Kids", he goes into a lot more detail about this. The good news is, it is, unlike sexual orientation, changeable.

    All of which is consistent with what I described above. The important question is... what do you want? If you are happy where you are, there's nothing to change. But if you would like to be able to experience your emotional self with a wider range of emotion and experience, that's something you can achieve with therapy and other self-work.
     
    #8 Chip, Nov 9, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2019