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Is 52 to late? ....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Em13, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. Em13

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    Hello all.

    I've been hanging out around here for a while trying to get the courage up to post.

    I am a 52 year old male who is still very closeted. I had a major lifestyle change in 2009.

    You see I am a recovering alcoholic since January 2009. I am also an ex fat guy. I lost 200 pounds and keep it off ever since. I have been hiding behind the bottle and my fat since I was young. Got married to a woman when I was 27 because, ... isn't that what a guy is supposed to do. I wasted 10 years of that womans life. (Which I feel awful about!!! I've been hiding and explaining away my feelings up until my lifestyle change. Every year since I got sober and in shape I have been changing my life in positive ways. I have started to see a councilor who is helping me except and love who am (As well as keeping sober). I've come a long way since I've been seeing her. I'm still going twice a month. I'm getting to a point now where I need to reach out to the LGBTQ community. This is my last thing I have to fix in my life. I'm just not sure how to do this. I was never successful with dating woman. I always had a reason why the relations weren't very good. ..... (I was to drunk to have sex, or, I'm to out of shape ..... yeah that's why it's not working).

    I went to my first Pride by myself and was pretty cool. It would have been much better with someone though. I did research some gay friendly bars in restaurants in my area but I'm still kinda scared to go. What if I see someone I know there that might out me before I'm ready.

    Anyways, sorry to ramble on!!! I'm not the best writer here as you can tell. I just want to know what people in this group think.

    1) Is 52 to late to come out?
    2) What will people think who are already out? (Why did this guy wait so long?)
    3) Should I even bother with this at this point in my life?
    3) How do I meet someone? I don't even have one gay friend to talk to?
    4) Is it bad that I want a relationship and not a hook up?

    Wow this sound pretty pathetic. Sorry about this!!! I just feel lost. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
    Jeff
     
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  2. Sundara

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    52 years old is the best age to start your journey. Good luck!
     
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  3. Choirboy

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    You sound totally ready. Go for it! I was in my early 50's and had been married for almost 20 years. Met up almost immediately with a guy in a similar situation--no hookups ever--and we've been together over 3 years and are very, very happy. Anyone who can drop 200 lbs and fight alcoholism can certainly do this. My guy and I met online first, but in person at a gay/straight church group; you may have to find your own way, but it absolutely can be done. There are far more of us than you would think, Good luck!
     
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  4. Em13

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    Thanks for the kind words Choirboy. I appreciate it!!! Congrats on your relationship. Thats great!!!
     
  5. Chip

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    I have a friend that didn't come out until his late 60s. He's now the happiest he's ever been, found a lovely partner, and having a fantastic time of things. I don't think it's ever too late.
     
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  6. HM03

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    Of course 52 isn't too late. Even being out for months you can feel significant difference in your happiness, so when we're talking years, it's definitely worth it. Most people in general understand, especially LGBT people, that its scary, especially when a lot of your life it wasn't as accepted as it is now.

    Obviously, we're in different age groups, so it's easier for me to find gay people my age. More so for just finding gay friends, but a few people have actually come out to me, friends have helped me meet gay acquaintances, and I've got to the LGBT group on campus. Maybe see if your councilor has an connections with LGBT support groups/hangouts (especially if you're in a big city).
     
  7. quebec

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    Em13....52 is not too late. I came out here on emptyclosets when I was 64. The right time to come out is when you are ready and that is the only thing that really matters (unless you are underage, then parents are an issue). Also important...you decide who you want to come out to! Some people are comfortable coming out to everyone, others only feel good when they come out to special friends/family, etc. I'm one of the later. You have me beat on the weight loss! I needed to lose 100 lbs. and have dropped 55 so far. As Choirboy said "Anyone who can drop 200 lbs and fight alcoholism can certainly do this" meaning come out and start your journey. You can do it...you just choose when and to whom! ....David
     
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  8. SiennaFire

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    Hey Jeff,

    You don't sound pathetic. You're not afraid to tackle challenges head on, and you are asking great questions about this new area in your life.

    To answer your questions:

    1) As others have posted, 52 is not too late!

    2) Most gays in the New England area are accepting of late bloomers.

    3a) Yes - you might discover that your lack of dating success has more to do with not dating in alignment with your sexual orientation. Once you starting dating guys, sparks fly.

    3b) Try support groups (for heterosexually married guys/dads), meetups, and dating sites.

    4) It's great that you want a relationship. It's easier to find hookups for sure, but if you remain true to yourself, you can find a relationship (though it may take some work).
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Oct 10, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2017
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  9. Moonsparkle

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    You don't sound pathetic at all. You sound like a very real person who has faced and overcome some very real life challenges. You made the choice to start therapy too which seems to have worked out to be a great decision. (Therapy worked this way for me too!)

    I understand what you mean about the 'too late' thing...it's not too late of course, but it can sure feel like it. I posted a whole thread here about being on the cusp of my 50th birthday and how I was coping (not coping!) with that.

    I don't even think it's the chronological age...but more of the 'OMG I wasted so much time not being the real me' feeling, and the sadness I was feeling because of this. The wise men and women of EC though pointed out to me that time isn't really wasted...we are always learning, we all come out when we are ready. I was in my mid-forties when I met the woman who changed my life. And my two years with her were the best, she 'fit' in a way a relationship with a man never had. If she had appeared in my life in my mid-20's or even mid-30's though I am sure I would not have been open to a relationship with her...I definitely was not ready, or self-aware enough at that time.

    I know it's only an online support forum, but I hope you will find talking with people here helpful. There are a whole group of us late-in-lifers, and I hope you take comfort in knowing you aren't alone. Congratulations on your sobriety and your weight loss and on attending your first Pride! All the best to you :slight_smile:
     
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  10. JaimeGaye

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    As a 50ish effeminate projecting homosexual male who has been out from a very early age as it was all but impossible to hide my orientation I feel a sense of sadness that all too many males from our generation were forced to hide their true selves yet I also feel a sense of hope because so many did and managed to survive the AIDS/HIV epidemic that began 40 years ago.
    I was promiscuous, careful and damn lucky I survived that era and never contracted the disease.
    All too many people I knew did become infected and did not live to see the 21st century.
    Celebrate yourselves gentlemen.
    You are the survivors of a holocaust.
     
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  11. Em13

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    Wow!! Thanks for the support everyone. It really does help. This site is definitely a benefit to me. I will get through this I know. It’s just really scary at this point. Just starting to except myself now (thanks to therapy), is very refreshing and to have support here means a lot to me. So thanks again everyone!!!!!!!!!!
     
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  12. slowmo

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    You don't sound "pretty pathetic" at all. If it's any comfort, I'm six years older, I spent three times longer being married, and I'm not YET as far along as you in the coming-out process. For those reasons and more, stories like yours are validating, relatable and inspiring to a guy like me. And I agree 100% with your assessment that therapy is a big help in such a predicament. At minimum, it's a safe place to talk honestly face-to-face with another human being about who we really are (or hope to be one day) -- which is something guys in our position have probably never done before. Keep us posted!
     
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  13. Questionsabound

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    I’m not sure if you are near Boston, but if you are a great resource is Fenway Health, which is a full service medical and behavioral support clinic that primarily serves LGBT people. They have support groups for a range of LGBT issues including people coming out later in life. I am in a support group (not through Fenway Health) for gay/bi men who are or were in heterosexual marriages, and there are A LOT of men who I’ve met who came out later in life, including in their 50s. Best of luck to you.
     
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  14. Rana

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    You sound like a lovely person. 52? Heck, you're in your prime. The fact that you've overcome 2 very important and difficult battles (weight and sobriety) means you can do anything you set your mind to.

    I do think it's important to build your LGBT community. Like you, I don't have that yet, and I've also felt too intimidated to reach out. I'm working on changing that though. I hope for the best for you. EC is a great first step in your journey. Good luck!
     
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  15. johndeere3020

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    YOU ARE NOT ALONE! And you have just made a bunch of NEW friends!
    Dean
     
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  16. bearheart

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    You don't sound pathetic .. you sound real and truthful. Feeling lost is also normal and, I believe, part of the process .. so don't panic and take it easy (look who's talking!). I am 52, still married, although separated for about 10 months now, closeted, and kids are now grown ups. Still working my issues and defining who am I .. years now and still in the process. Everyone has his/her own speed of finding their way .. it's never too late.

    Isn't it a burden that we keep other people's opinions and feelings about OUR life decisions in our minds? it's tough to say the hell with everyone, especially when it involves loved ones. I guess it is part of the equation that kept us in the closet for that long, but it is your decision at the end, whom to tell and whom to leave out. In either case, accept the fact that some will know one day and it is not your task to "justify" your decision. This who you are and this is your choice .. no one else's opinion matter more than yours.

    How to meet someone? you tell me when you figure it out :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:! I met someone that I consider one of my closest friends online, we met face to face several times and we talk regularly, although it wasn't planned for me to "like" him, but I did. He knows about it but we both chose to stay friends. I have too much on my plate to worry about, and until I resolve my straight marriage situation things will be on hold! since I share the same goal of not "hooking up" with anyone, which I never did and not planning to.

    Seeking a serious and meaningful relationship is definitely the way to go .. work for it and you'll be rewarded, I think that at our age, hooking up becomes less attractive, we seek more of the emotional stability and we value long term commitments (some don't .. and its their choice). I commend you on your goals and achievements.:thumbsup:
     
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  17. Em13

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    Thank you Slomo
    Thanks Slomo. It’s very comforting knowing that I am not alone here. I wish you luck as well with figuring this all out!!! I will definitely keep this forum posted. My therapist At this point is the only one who knows any of the stuff. (Besides this great place of corse!!!) It’s defiantly great to talk to someone. She actually gave me some homework this week. Please keep us posted as well. Thanks!!!
     
  18. YermanTom

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    1) Is 52 too late to come out?

    No. I came out to my wife at 52, I came out to the rest of my family at 58, I am almost totally out to every one now (at 62). In life there is never a ‘too old’ for anything.

    2) What will people think who are already out? (Why did this guy wait so long?)

    Sod what anyone else thinks, it’s your life.

    3) Should I even bother with this at this point in my life?

    Absolutely, for me coming out was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.

    3) How do I meet someone? I don't even have one gay friend to talk to?

    I don’t know the answer to this, but if you find out let me know.

    4) Is it bad that I want a relationship and not a hook up?

    This question just indicates that you are a nice person, It will probably help with question 3.
     
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  19. I'm gay

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    Just to echo the other comments here, coming out at 52 is definitely not too late. I came out at 47 just last year. I've found the LGBT community to be very understanding to us Later-in-Lifers.
     
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  20. Em13

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    Thank you moonsparlke. I agree it's not really the actual age that bothers me. It's the fact that I wasted all these years with drinking away the feelings and pushing them away.

    As far as your comment about this forum, I definitely find it helpful!!! I've just recently got the courage to post and I'm so glad I did. All of these responses are awesome. I so wished I did this earlier.
     
    #20 Em13, Oct 16, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2017
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