Intimate Medical Exam Fetish - How to Accept/Be Okay With Pleasure

Hello everyone!

I've known for several years that I have a fetish involving intimate medical exams (e.g., penile and testicular exams, rectal/prostate exams), and it definitely presents a problem when I'm getting an annual physical or just need to have something checked out. I get very anxious about experiencing pleasure (and possibly showing it) during something that is intended to be clinical and not at all sexual.

In November, I was diagnosed with epididymitis (which, for anyone who does not know, is an inflammation of the tube that carries sperm from the testicles) and after two courses of antibiotics I am still having some pain, particularly any time I am intensely aroused, and it's interfering with my sex life. After an insurance change and much confusion (and bad customer service, frankly) on the part of doctor's offices and other institutions, I'm finally able to see a urologist about a month from now.

This urology visit really needs to happen -- I am so tired of being in pain and feeling there is nothing I can do to stop it. But, I'm also anxious about the certainty that I will need a genital exam, and the strong possibility that I will need a rectal/prostate exam. Even thinking about either is very arousing, and I'm embarrassed to show that arousal. It's not because I think the state of being aroused is bad on a physiological level, it's that I feel that my arousal has the potential to demonstrate that I am feeling (or anticipating) pleasure from these interactions. I cannot identify why, but something about that feels wrong to me. I have an unidentified ethical issue with being turned on by these exams (even though I suspect that doctors have seen it before and, more to the point, really don't care).

For reference, I have at times leaked pre-cum during genital exams and, during my first rectal exam a few years ago (the most "sexual" thing I ever did up to that point), I was surprised if not frightened by the sheer amount of pleasure I experienced, and vocalized several sharp shouts as the doctor pressed on my prostate.

I also want to put out there that the gender of the doctor doesn't seem to matter much. It has to do with the act of being examined, not with who is doing it.

In short, I'm just looking for advice on how to become okay with the fact that I may experience pleasure (and physically demonstrate it) during these encounters. I know rationally that there is nothing wrong with it (I'm not harming anyone, and I don't think anything I do will get in the doctor's way), but it still feels "bad" or "wrong" to me.

Thanks in advance.

Railfan

 

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I totally understand that there's a purely physiological aspect to this and it happens to lots of people, but nonetheless I feel that it's more complicated for me; it feels more like a fetish. There's definitely an element of enjoyment and excitement in regards to these sorts of exams. I'd like to accept my reactions for whatever they are, but I just don't know how to get past my shame/feelings of immorality/whatever you'd like to call it.

 

My apologies to all of you if I'm not communicating very clearly. I definitely don't expect anything sexual or inappropriate to happen, and won't be trying to make it happen. In fact, I'm very uncomfortable with the possibility that something (an erection, a verbal reaction I may have, etc.) might inadvertently make my pleasure/fetish apparent, and that's really the source of my problem. Ideally, I would like to just go with the flow, let whatever happens happen, and not worry about it, but I find myself very self-conscious about this and very anxious about how these exams will go. Medical play is indeed something my partner engages in with me, but of late I've been wary of having many orgasms for fear of causing myself pain and suffering.

I want to accept it, explore it (outside of the clinical setting), etc., but the acceptance piece in particular is not something that's easy for me. I am in therapy, but I see a cisgender woman and somehow I don't feel she is able to relate much.