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Internet Chat rooms and my 14 year old gay son

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Minny, Jan 25, 2017.

  1. Minny

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    Hi again folks,

    I wonder if I can pick your brains again? My son, as you know, came out to us last Autumn. He is now 14 and half.

    We have encouraged him to go to the local LGBT youth group. He wasn't that keen, but eventually went to a meeting and only one other person turned up (there were 3 staff members and just the two boys: awkward!) who he didn't particularly get on with. He doesn't want to go back.

    He has not come out to anyone else. He has contact with other kids (one or two he thinks might be gay/bi) at various classes he does like squash, tennis etc and meets with a friend in town from time to time.

    His main friends however are online.

    Like any parent, the internet worries us. So far, because we are keen for our son not to be isolated, we have followed a policy of telling him everything about the internet (warnings about grooming, not to take and disseminate photos, do anything intimate online etc) and then say: we trust you to behave responsibly.

    I have told him I don't read or follow anything that he writes/messages he receives on any online forum be it fb, or anywhere else. And that is something his father and I 100% stick to.

    We also said that once he got to know someone, I or his dad wanted to say a quick 'hi' to the boy in question to check that he was the age he said he was. He agreed to that and though a bit awkward, it has worked out fine. We felt we need to do this as my son has said that many times he has been approached by 'older men/creeps/paedophiles' (his words).

    So far, my son he has had 2 internet 'boyfriends' he has met through chatrooms and places like Reddit. (I use the quote marks because they have both been in other countries, and they have never met, only skyped, and they have been very short-lived). Both have been rather hurtful to my son and messed him around rather. I know this because he has told me and been very upset. They are now, apparently, 'just friends.'

    However, there has been another 'friend' who was very demanding and emotional and talking about killing himself etc. This caused my son a lot of stress and he eventually blocked the guy.

    Though my husband saw a photo of this particular boy, he felt he was older than the purported 15 - but it was difficult to tell. Before my husband could actually talk to the guy, my son blocked him.

    If I'm completely honest, I rather my son didn't contact anyone online. I rather he meet people face to face. However, as a 14 year old, it is very, very difficult to meet other gay boys as no one, it seems, is out. We even set up a fb teen group together for our area but there were no responses. And the local group is no good as no one turns up.

    So, online is one way my son feels less isolated. He feels we are very controlling. Perhaps we are but our priority is his safety. Today he told me about a 17 year old boy he's made friends with.

    To me, that's completely off. What 17 year old would want to befriend a 14 year old? If my straight other son was 17 and talking to a 14 year old girl I'd be horrified.

    So.... I'd be interested to hear your opinions on this. Particularly about allowing my son online 'freedom' while also protecting him from people who wish to harm him.

    And please be gentle with me! Try to see it from a parent's point of view and remember that my son is only 14!

    Thanks!
     
  2. Guff

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    I'm 17 and my parents still don't allow me to skype anyone I haven't in real life. Nor am I even allowed to befriend them on any form of social media. I don't think they're over controlling or anything like that.
    I had a friend he's 17 and he has a 12 year old girlfriend, I personally find it disgusting and wonder why her parents allow her to be in such a relationship.
    As you'd expect, he broke up with her after awhile. She took it really badly.

    I don't really think it'd be "controlling" of you to not allow him to meet people online altogether until he's an adult-Let alone just enforce some sort of age restriction.
     
  3. Minny

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    Thanks Guff,

    That is really interesting to hear. Thanks so much for your input.

    It's hard for us to know what to do, as we do know that for some kids, online friends are important. How does a 14 year old meet other gay boys as so few are out at this age? My son is desperate for a boyfriend - not to do anything sexual which would be illegal and he understands this. But just in the way any 14 year old - straight or LGBT - wants a boy/girlfriend...

    How did you meet other gay boys when you came out?
     
  4. Quantumreality

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    Hey Minnie,

    I would just chime in with the opinion that your instincts are 100% accurate. The difference between a 14 year old and a 17 year old (developmentally, socially, etc) is massive and your concerns are completely warranted. It's no different for LGBTQ children than for non-LGBTQ children.
     
  5. Gravity

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    Hi Minny!

    I don't know that I have any particular advice for what to do about meeting other gay males your son's age, but I do think it's great that you've been able to establish this level of freedom/honesty with your son about his online activity, and that you've been so supportive about helping him find some community, even if not successful yet. As frustrating as it probably feels right now, eventually he will meet gay people his age, and when that does happen, having a family as supportive as this will remove a lot of major hurdles. It just takes a bit longer for gay people sometimes, for reasons that you're discovering first hand. :slight_smile:

    As far as the 17 year old, for now, my personal thought would be to trust in the honesty that you've built up with your son. If you see specific concrete problems come up, then talk with him about them. Maybe you could ask him ahead of time what he thinks of this person, and if he starts to talk about this as another potential online boyfriend, then you could point out some of the potential problems that could happen there.

    And don't give up on finding local connections - there might not be anyone looking now, but in a few months there could be. I would keep checking in with that local center, and maybe something will turn up in the near future.

    Good luck!
     
  6. galaxygia

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    I don't know much about the Internet stuff as I try to stay away from it, but there is an app called Amino which has lots of LGBT people on it and my real life friend and I navigate it together. Maybe he can meet someone there? Most people on the app are really open and honest about their identity because it's their safe place.

    As for the dating a 17 year old, I'm friends with a fourteen year old who's currently dating a seventeen year old and they've been together about five months now and they're really happy. But that's in a special situation in which they've been friends for years and really do trust one another(both their moms work at our school and know each other really well). I wouldn't worry tooooo much about it, but let him know to be careful. These circumstances don't look great for an actual relationship unlike my friend's.
     
    #6 galaxygia, Jan 26, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2017
  7. Minny

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    Many thanks for replying all.

    I agree Quantumreality, there is a world of difference between a 14 year old and a 17 year old.

    Many thanks Gravity for your kind words. I have told my son to be patient and that he will eventually meet other gay people and have boyfriends. He's pretty adamant he won't return to the local group, however,...

    Thanks AndPeggy for that Amino tip - I shall pass it on to my son, that's great.

    Many thanks again all, for replying and advising....really helpful.
     
  8. RedEyeFlash

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    Hi Minny
    Being 14 and trying to fit in and find your place in the world is so difficult Whether you are gay, straight, bi, whatever and it's great that you are giving him the room to figure all of that out but if I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way you do. Meeting people online(especially at that age) is not a good thing. As you've already said, meeting people online creates a habit of isolating yourself. It's damaging to the social skills of an adult and extremely damaging to the social skills of a teenager. You are NOT being controlling, you're being good parents.
    With the 17 year old friend, in a typical situation, it is off for a 17 year old and a 14 year old to have anything in common but this isn't a typical situation. And I'll bet it's just as difficult for a 17 year old to meet other gay boys as it is for a 14 year old. It might be a good idea to give a little room there. I'd try and get to know him yourselves and see what his intentions are. Kick it into old school and maybe encourage your son to invite him to dinner or to call your house instead of messaging when they want to talk. It might put your mind at ease a bit if this 17 year old is willing to get to know you and let you get to know him.
     
  9. I'm gay

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    Hi Minny,

    I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with others who say it should be ok for your son to date a 17-year-old. There is a world of difference there. Remember also, that once the friend becomes 18, there are potential issues for them if they engage in anything sexual. Your son at 14 or 15 will not have reached the age of consent, which for Scotland is 16, and it could have real legal consequences for the 18-year-old.

    I also think your son trying to "date" online is a bad idea. The online world for him should be about learning about himself, making friends, and just having some fun. But calling a guy who lives far away a "boyfriend"?? That doesn't sound like a good idea to me, and I wouldn't let my kids do that.

    His best chance of learning how to date and form relationships is by being around other gay kids his own age. Look for resources where you can make that happen.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  10. Quantumreality

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    Hey Minny,

    Just an off-the-wall thought, but have you and/or your husband had any contacts with LGBTQ people in your local community? If there is someone or some people that you might trust, perhaps just exposing your son to potential LGBTQ role models or mentors would be a very positive thing at this point.

    Just a thought....:slight_smile:
     
  11. Minny

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    Hi everyone - again many thanks for your thoughts.

    RedEyeFlash - yes I agree being 14 is not an easy age for anyone! I'm glad to hear that you think we are not being controlling. It's so difficult to know since no one teaches you how to be a parent....So far as meeting people in the flesh: it's just so difficult as no one my son knows is out and he doesn't dare come out yet to the few friends he has. He suspects one or two people he has met have been gay but he can't say anything as he doesn't want to come out to anyone yet either.

    Thanks I'mGay - absolutely about the legal age of consent. We are very aware of it and I have impressed this on my son with clarity. If only we could get him to meet other gay teens - but though there must be scores out there, no one seems to be out at his age that he knows of and the local group is empty of kids. He refuses to go back to it anyway.

    I have looked in vain for resources to help him meet other gay kids - where else can I look? I've asked the local LGBT group and the Scottish LGBT organisation and they have come up with nothing other than: come to the group - where there are no kids!

    I take your point about online boyfriends, but I do believe these relationships were fairly harmless (though they weren't very nice to my son in the end more of a result of immaturity I think than anything else) in the manner of a typical 14 year old girl/boyfriend 'romantic' relationship. Or so I can gather from what my son has told me.

    Quantumreality - yes we do know several gay men (though no gay teens) but my son doesn't want to reveal to anyone else that he is gay yet. Still, I think it is nice for him to know that there are plenty of gay men around that we personally know and also in the city where he can see (occasionally!) gay men holding hands, for example.

    Thanks again everyone - it is much appreciated!

    ---------- Post added 26th Jan 2017 at 10:03 PM ----------

    Sorry Quantumreality - not used the term LGBTQ - I'm focused on 'gay' as this is what my son is. But don't want to offend.
     
  12. Quantumreality

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    LOL! Certainly no offense taken, Minny. I understand and I'm fine with what ever terms you wish to use. I have my own preference (LGBTQ), but I'm not a 'politically-correct terminology policeman'.:slight_smile:
     
  13. Creativemind

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    There's nothing wrong with online friendships/relationships on their own. I met my best friend on the internet when I was 17 years old. I'm now 26, and we are still best friends to this day. We met in person a few times and she wasn't much different in person, so if my parents didn't allow online friendships, I would have missed out. My real life friendships have been abusive, terrible, and made me lose hope in people, so I'm glad I had my one true friend to be there for me. I've also had a few of my ex-girlfriends who I met online, and they didn't work out, but it wasn't too bad in the end.

    The problem is when they are lying about their age or are closet pedophiles (although this can happen in real life too). What he really needs is to find people his own age or maturity level.

    Skyping makes it easier to figure out who they really are as well as trying to contact them yourself as a parent. Of course most pedos are going to be scared off if they know you'd be there to report them.

    There's plenty of shady characters online, but also plenty of normal teens. Likewise, there are shady people in real life, he could meet up with a gay boy his own age who ends up abusing him or raping him. It depends on his judgement. I was mentally disabled at 14 so my Mom had to protect me from people my own age IRL too.

    The 17 year old interacting with him is completely different though. That's too large of an age difference for a relationship, so use your judgement there.
     
  14. Minny

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    Thanks Creativemind for your advice and insight. It's so useful to get your view on things from your own experience. Thank you!
     
  15. Guff

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    My parents personally don't allow any of their kids date until they're 16. I don't necessarily see why he needs to be able to date so badly at age 14.
    If you are going to allow him to date I think you should limit him to boys within a certain 1-2 year range of him. (And possibly even limit him to boys that he actually knows in reality) Obviously there does come a point where they're just to old/young to be dating them, as his parent I think you should draw the line on this one.

    As long as he has a fantastic mother like yourself supporting him and giving him freedom to meet online, date and letting him be himself he should be happy.

    I actually have never met another gay boy. Ever.
    I've only met a lesbian and I didn't even know she was gay until she was kicked out of a schooling community I'm in.. I live somewhere very homophobic in a community of homeschoolers (Aka the southern parents who don't want any their kids going to public schools meeting "bad influences" such as gays, atheists, muslims, jews, black people etc.)
    My parents have taken my coming out very badly. Especially my mother in particular who wants to send me to a counselor who'll help "fix me". I'm only out to my immediate family because I was tired of having to lie about who I am in my own home. If I came out publicly I'd be kicked off my soccer team, a few elective classes and everywhere I do voluntary work. There are billboards here saying "Faggots get AIDS. Choose Jesus" "Do not be deceived by homosexuality" and etc.
    I'm yet to find any form of accepting people and lost the 1 friend I told I'm gay.

    Your son WILL eventually meet more people like him. I'm obviously not speaking from own experience but I truly believe I'll meet like minded people someday, even here in Kentucky. And I'm positive your son as an out gay boy, with a loving family and quite a bit of freedom to explore will end up perfectly fine. Even without getting to date 17 yo's.
    Just keep loving him and protecting him from possibly bad influences. He's going to grow up very happy he had accepting parents like you and wont give a crap he couldn't flirt with boys to old for him.
     
  16. Connorcode

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    I know what it's like to turn up at the local and it turns out there's only or few people (or no one you can get on with).

    One the age/dating issue: it's okay to have a certain age gap between friends, but not in a relationship. Things like them being over the age of consent do change things a tiny bit. I have LGBTQ friends who are 16 - I'm 19 - but I wouldn't be comfortable with that in a relationship; I'm like an older brother to some of them.

    Aside from maybe asking the gay adults you know for advice (whilst not outing your son, obviously), I'd suggest getting your son to focus on friendships rather than relationships. That way, in real life and online, he can meet more people his age through them.

    ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2017 at 04:52 PM ----------

    I would also add that it might be worthwhile checking back with the local group in a year or something, because you'd think new people would be joining.
     
  17. Minny

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    Thanks Guff for your reply. I think 'date' isn't quite the right word...I think my son just wants to meet boys and then he finds that he likes them...not much happens...it's all online. I think he's starting to meet more people online and we have settled on him showing us - with their permission - an up-to-date photo of anyone he's getting to know, so as to prove they are around his age.

    I was very sorry to hear Guff, what a horrible place you live in. It's hard to imagine a place like that exists in the Western world. Please believe me when I say that most people who have any decency think that is absolutely appalling and would and will accept you for who you are 100%. It must be just awful for you that your mother is so ignorant. I bet you can't wait to get out of there and go somewhere more 'normal' and be free to be who you are. I was so upset to read what a very difficult situation you find yourself in. Things will definitely change for you and soon enough you will look back on this and think: OMG what on earth was that?! I wish you the very best...YOU are completely normal and it is THEY who are not!

    Thanks Connorcode - I agree with what you say. My son luckily is starting to find others his own age online and we have agreed a policy which both he and us feel happy about to ensure he is safe, that is to check that whoever he's speaking to is around his own age. I am definitely encouraging my son to go for friendships but I think fancying boys is just natural at 14 (I know I did when I was 14!) and so long as he's happy, I'm happy. Many thanks again for replying.
     
    #17 Minny, Feb 2, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
  18. AlexJames

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    I'll try to go in order of what you said and not ramble. No promises though i'm terribly long winded.

    (1) You are an awesome parent. I wish my parents had you and your husband's parenting style. You give your son both freedom and the safety of you checking in as needed. In my opinion, you're doing everything right! This is precisely how i would have wanted my parents to act.

    (2) Personally, I think him having internet friends is okay. For years youtuber and bands and sites like this were my support network. As long as you guys keep looking after his safety like you have been, and he doesn't start avoiding friends IRL, i don't see this as being a problem. He may or may not be comfortable IRL, i wonder. It is easier to say your gay and explore it a bit online from the safety of being behind a computer screen.

    (3) I would definetally verify the identity and age of this 17 year old. Your son is in like 8th or 9th grade, right? Being 14. This supposed 17 year old, while only being a few years older supposedly, is in a totally different phase of life. The phase in which you learn to drive, get your first job, figure out what you wanna do with your life, and move out. Ideally anyways. The fact a supposed 17 year old is seeking out a 14 year old...its got red flags, for me. Totally different maturity levels.
     
  19. Minny

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    Thanks so much LunarLyric for your advice and your very kind comments about us as parents - that's so lovely of you to say.

    I do think the internet is a good way for my son to interact with other gay teens - the 17 year old was blocked soon after. The good thing is that my son does tend to share what he is doing online with us, and for that I am thankful. I'm hoping he will meet more people IRL but at 14 it is tricky as few people his age have come out IRL. He has told a straight friend (a girl) he knows IRL that he is gay and that worked out well since she said that she had always wanted a gay friend! I'm hoping as he gets older, he will meet more gay people his own age in real life.
     
  20. MamaB

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    Hi Minny, I'm a mom myself. I don't have any advice for finding teen LGBTQ teen supports, I'm new to this area myself. But I am raising a teen boy, so I can understand that area well. It's not easy trying to figure out the right thing to do all the time. I've questioned myself many time if I'm being to relaxed, too controlling, etc.
    My son is 16 now so my online monitoring has relaxed, but still existent. When he started going in line a few years ago the rule was that I had the passwords to everything and allowed to check his chats, skype, email etc but only in his presence and not because I don't trust him but to protect and guide him. I also get to say hi to whoever he is voice chatting with.
    It is easy to fall pray to predators, get swept away with a group of friends online or in real life and maybe behave in a way that is not typical for them. My son was ok with that and thankfully we've never had issues or worries thus far.
    I also never allowed dating until 16. My reasoning was there is plenty of time to do adult things, right now enjoy being a kid. Relationships should always be taken seriously especially if sex might happen. I find being a teen is stressful and confusing at times, there is no need complicating it more, thus why I chose 16 as my age to be allowed to date. Again I'm lucky that my son followed my rules with complete understanding and acceptance. We've always had an honest relationship, which I'm happy with.
    Every parent has their own style, we are just trying to raise our kids right and keep the. Safe along the way. Do what you think is right but keep explaining why you choose these rules to your son, allowing him to state why he might not agree and hen maybe a compromise can be reached depending on the rule of course. Best of luck

    ---------- Post added 18th Feb 2017 at 10:00 AM ----------

    And just to add..
    My son found online friends easier to come by, he always had a bit of anxiety when it came to socializing in real life. Since he came out about being bisexual to me and his online friends and now in a new school actually met people who are now friends who accept him for being himself he is blossoming as a person. Online friends can be a good thing, especially if in real life they don't have many friends or friends that can understand what he is personally going through/accept him for who he is.