1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Internalized homophobia

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kevins1197, Nov 30, 2021.

  1. Kevins1197

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2019
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    28
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Did anyone consciously engage in homophobic behavior before coming out yourself?

    Was it conscious or subconsciously something you did? Or was it out of fear of the idea of having a same sex attraction?

    Did you ever harass or bully someone you thought was gay? Did you ever apologize to some you did harass after realizing you’re gay?

    Personally I’ve known I had some attraction to other boys growing up but didn’t really what to call the feelings I had.

    In middle school was the first time I was ever accused of being gay, I guess something was obvious to someone. But I also started to really notice boys.

    Ironically my two friends in 7th and 8th grade are both out gay men today and I’m still closeted. I didn’t really consider that I might be gay until the end of high school or come out to myself until my mid twenties.

    Despite any internalized homophobia when did you come out to yourself or publicly?

    more did you have a homophobic bully who eventually came out?
     
    #1 Kevins1197, Nov 30, 2021
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2021
    RD Spencer likes this.
  2. RD Spencer

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2020
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    85
    Location:
    Western Wa
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Never got too much into the homophobic behavior, not entirely. There was times.


    Sometimes I would lightly agree with the group opinion without taking a strong stance on it, or just took a neutral opinion on it altogether with an “I don’t know arm shrug”, but more often than not I would stay out of the conversation as much as possible.


    I must have figured out at a fairly young age that it was best to stay out of the spot light when it came to sexuality. I didn’t want any of that attention.

    I remember seeing a tv show where the person was acting very homophobic and then turned out to be gay in the end. I got the message.


    A friend who was dealing with his sexuality as well would go back and forth between being accepting of gay people to being very homophobic. Unfortunately he never did accept himself and was kind of an ass when I told him I was bi later in our ault years. We don’t talk anymore for a few reasons.
     
    TinyWerewolf likes this.
  3. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    557
    Likes Received:
    160
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Even though I am someone who grew up in a homophobic country, I never engaged in any of the homophobic topics. I was very neutral. When I was a child I barely even knew, what gay or homo means. As I got older I only sometimes heard someone talking about it and they didn't say anything good. This is when I vaguely understood, that it isn't a good topic to bring up, so I never did. Sexuality overall was a taboo topic. I had a few sexual education classes, where there weren't even mentioned, that there could be more than one type of family. Even in school environment it didn't come up that much, but I just didn't see it. I know that, because there were a person in my class, who I didn't really like, but later I found out they were a lesbian, but they don't know that I know. She always was aggressive towards me, but I had no idea why.

    When I became adult I started hearing about same sex relationships more and more. It came up in TV series, movies, there were cartoons, animations and manga. It was a whole new world. This is also, when I discovered, my father was homophobic, because he always asked me, if I am a lesbian or not. I think this is something he feared a lot and still does, this is also why I am afraid to come out to them and why I was also afraid to come out to myself and stay in denial for so long. I was raised in an environment, where it is viewed as a sin or abnormal.

    In school now I also stay out of these topics, even though there are 3 very open minded people in my school and 2 of them express their support to the LGBTQ+ community and I was honestly amazed, that there are such open minded people too. They are not afraid to talk about it.
     
    TinyWerewolf and RD Spencer like this.
  4. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    830
    Likes Received:
    455
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    One day on the Middle School playground I briefly repeatedly used the “F” slur with a friend. Within a minute of this going on, a classmate spoke up saying that wasn’t a nice word. I stopped immediately, agreed, and asked my friend why he didn’t stop me. I never did that again.

    I’ve realized I’ve been clueless about what I was saying in my adult years, but never meaning harm and stopping if I sense I’ve done something wrong. I also realize that supportive comments I made as a LGBTQ ally decades ago would seem outdated and not seem as accepting in today’s climate.
     
    RD Spencer likes this.
  5. Canterpiece

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,580
    Likes Received:
    64
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Did you ever harass or bully someone you thought was gay?

    No.

    Did you ever apologize to some you did harass after realizing you’re gay?

    N / A

    Did anyone consciously engage in homophobic behaviour before coming out yourself?

    The only instance of this that I can think of was when there was a rumour going around about me having this crush on a girl back in high school. One day, I walked into class and I was questioned about it. When I said no, people started asking if I am gay and if I'd ever had a crush on a girl, so I somewhat panicked and I tried to convince others that she was gay and that she must've been spreading the rumour because she's obsessed with me but that I am straight. I didn't actually think she was gay (she's straight as far as I know) or obsessed with me for that matter, but I thought diverting the attention to her would take the attention away from me... I'm not proud of my behaviour.

    However, there are more instances of me indirectly engaging in homophobia. Such as witnessing the bullying of others and not reporting it or speaking up. When my sex ed teacher made homophobic comments and mocked a student in front of me, I stayed quiet.

    Was it conscious or subconsciously something you did? Or was it out of fear of the idea of having a same sex attraction?

    The majority of the time, I did not make homophobic remarks to others. On the occasion I did, it was a calculated move.

    Despite any internalized homophobia when did you come out to yourself or publicly?

    To myself, I was fourteen. My first crush was when I was eleven, but I didn't want to accept it at first. I had two main realisations, the first was "Wait, I like women?" and the second was "Wait, I don't think I've ever liked men, am I ever going to like men?".

    As for coming out to others, the first time I came out was around thirteen when I let my best friend know I was questioning. Then I came out again around fourteen to someone else, but that backfired horribly because others overheard and hurt me. So, that was very much a yikes, back into the closet I go moment. I stayed in the closet until I was sixteen. Then I came out to my friends. I officially came out to my parents at eighteen, but my mum had asked me about it when I was fourteen. One night I was doing my German homework (the assignment was to describe our ideal partner) and my mum asked me if my partner was a he or a she and I just froze and didn't reply. When I came out to her, she was only surprised that I didn't come out in my mid twenties, apparently that was what she had anticipated. There was also a discussion about whether I was sure that I am gay and not bi, and some uncomfortable remarks made about me and a male friend. Fortunately she dropped this.

    Did you have a homophobic bully who eventually came out?

    There was this one guy, tough jerk who was a drug dealer and got thrown out of high school. He liked to bully me, not anything to do with my glass closet, he picked on me for other reasons. Anyway, he was the type to be mean to other students about such things. After he left, he completely changed his image to a sensitive emo, became a hairdresser, and posted pictures on social media of him kissing men. I - well, I was not expecting that. Good for him for turning his life around.
     
    #5 Canterpiece, Dec 2, 2021
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2021
    RD Spencer likes this.
  6. GrumpyOldLady

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2014
    Messages:
    365
    Likes Received:
    95
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I didn't bully anyone but I was literally afraid of lesbians, if I knew someone was a lesbian I would freeze up and get extremely anxious around them so I tended to avoid them...I suppose it was the fear "they'll KNOW I'm one of them" more than anything else.
     
  7. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2015
    Messages:
    850
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    OH
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Used to have a alot of homophobia towards myself which is why I never dated guys in middle or HS
     
  8. Contented

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2017
    Messages:
    1,140
    Likes Received:
    1,549
    Location:
    Upstate NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I was 50 and in a heterosexual relationship when I started to acknowledge that I had a same sex attraction. I fought it at first as there was no way I could be a homo or a fag. Yet I was attracted both sexually and emotionally to the man who would eventually become by BF after fully coming out. After all my internalized homophobia told me that was abnormal, sick, etc. Real Guys didn’t find other men sexually attractive! It took some time ,a patient boyfriend and a skilled therapist who dealt with LGBT Q matters to help me overcome my internal homophobia and shame. Once I was able to deal with it coming out was somewhat easier.
     
  9. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    155
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    To my recollection. I was never mean to anyone at school. The first time I had a sort of homophobic feeling or thought was more recent and it’s only because i got bombarded with it suddenly by people just because I made new friends and some of them were gay or bi. I felt they were insinuating and projecting stuff on me without knowing the facts. And I used to get all defensive and Agitated. Cause I never in my life thought about people as being this or that. Or this person is different because of his or her sexual preference or where they came from. Then I would think that people can be judgmental and harsh about many things maybe because of ignorance or fear. So I started to handle things differently and speak my mind about it. And the more I spoke about it the more I had a certain piece of mind and it worked because I noticed they stopped bringing that none sense at least in front of me. I still have some of those thoughts and feelings sometimes but they are becoming less and less.
     
  10. Gayhusband

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2017
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    Tex
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I feel guilty about not standing up for LGTBQ when homophobic comments are made. Even if it’s not spoken directly about a person or individual it still is hurtful to know that they are referring to people like me. I’m still closeted. I’m still susceptible to homophobic comments and I deal with internalized homophobia night and day 365. Strange that I never engaged in bullying of other gays. I would sometimes even stand up for them or protect “them”. It’s myself I bully
     
  11. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2021
    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    76
    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I got into an argument with a friend when I was 11-12ish about LGBTQIA+, and I'd said it was wrong and was getting a bit pissed. This argument occurred at school after something had happened between us (there's a lot more to it but we almost kissed). I think deep down I knew I was attracted to them (maybe it was mutual), but I was so deep in denial that I never thought about it again until later on when I began to realize I'm not straight or cisgender. I see this person on occasion still, maybe I should apologize to them... Anyway, that was the only incident I had like that. No one here acknowledged people like me existed until I was in high school (that I'm aware of) and I never did or said anything homophobic or transphobic again.
     
    RD Spencer likes this.
  12. Ron961

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2021
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I consider myself bisexual or gay (haven't figured it out just yet) and even though I get turned on by seing a handsome man, I hate watching gay porn or watch men kiss. I think it has to do with selfhatred or rejecting myself. Whenever bad remarks or comments are being made about LGTB I do get angy and show this to others occassionally.

    But I've always done my best not to show my "gay" side; read books on how dominant alpha males behave and put this into practice, also hide traits that show other that I'm gay, like the things heterosexuals like etc.
     
  13. brainwashed

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2014
    Messages:
    2,095
    Likes Received:
    453
    Location:
    Phoenix, AZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Yes. I told gay jokes.

    I've got to think about this questions.

    Did not consciously know I had same sex attraction. The "full cycle" of cognitive development did not happen due to "outside forces" aka abuse and conversion therapy.

    No not at all. I just wondered why were kids were picking on the affiminent kid.

    n.a.

    I like this question. Ah you see the crux and this is, a person's innate sexuality is obvious to others but not to said person. Why is this? Because others are not the one's shamed and holding back internal homophobia.

    There're pretty amazing aren't they? Well ok the one's who have what it takes to "catch an eye or two". Some boys are outright jerks.

    Not till my 50's.

    This is a really interesting question and one that has been studied and written about. There are actual white papers written about this phenomena. Per my limited memory early this morning, internalized gay's (mainly males) lash out at other gays because they are a) jealous, b) angry. You will observe this phenomena in super Christian ministers who eventually get caught in bed with another male!

    Hope all the above helps. And welcome to ECs.
     
    RD Spencer likes this.
  14. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,735
    Likes Received:
    2,024
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    "Those who shout/scream the loudest have the most to hide"

    Whenever you encounter someone who is persistently hostile towards the LGBT community, almost to the point of fixation, observe them closely, because there is every chance they closeted themselves. I can almost guarantee you will spot the signs. Their homophobia is often an exaggerated front for feelings they are struggling to suppress or deny. I have seen it and I have been on the receiving end.

    Yes, and after he came out he had the audacity to contact me to see if I wanted to hook up.

    Let's be clear, a straight man or woman who is secure in their own sexual identity will not give a shit about a friend, colleague or acquaintance being gay. It will not affect their personal or professional relationship or colour their attitude. Homophobia is irrational and in so many cases it comes from a place of personal insecurity about sexuality.
     
    LostInDaydreams likes this.