Internalized Homophobia, Feelings of Alienation and Inferiority

Sad to say I'm in 30s and I still haven't really gotten to the whole "accepting myself" part of coming out yet, and lately, heteronormativity in general has kinda been wearing me down.

I've accepted I'm gay, and that if I'm going to have a satisfying relationship, it'll only be with another man, and I'm fine with that. But even so, part of me feels like I'm wrong. Not necessarily in a moral sense, but more like in a biological or functional sense. I feel like being gay is a defect; that the point of sexual attraction is to promote reproduction, so being sexually attracted to someone of the same gender defeats the purpose and effectively makes me a dud. And the fact that this only manifests in such a small percentage of the population makes me feel like I'm really unlucky or a waste. I feel almost like I was denied or cheated something at birth that everyone else gets by default, and since I don't have it, I'm not quite as human because of it, and kind of like I'm being punished for it as well.

I go out and I see straight couples, and I feel excluded. It's just so frustrating that it's something they take for granted. Like it's perfectly natural for men to want women and vice-versa, when the fact is, I can't even fathom what that's like. I can't understand that, or their connections to one another, and I feel like that makes me something other. Something less. I often wonder if that connection is more natural than same-sex connection. If straight couples can form deeper and more meaningful connections with each other than I ever could with another man. (If maybe heterosexual sex isn't more pleasurable, too.)

It's been weighing on my mind a lot lately. I have trouble watching television or even listening to music because whenever heteronormative relationships/sex/romance are brought up or referred to, I'm reminded of that thing that I'm not, and I kind of shut down emotionally. I see ads of straight couples buying houses or shopping together, or raising children and over and over again all I see is a humanity that I can't relate to and I just feel denied. And it's not like I need to look out there, either, I can just look around me. My friends and family members are all settling down, buying houses, getting married, starting families, car-seats, mini-vans, the works.

And here I am and I can't even find a fucking date. I have trouble even finding men in my area, let alone men I'm compatible with. And all this does is reinforce the whole marginalized feeling. It feels like straight people have so much more available to them and they don't even realize it because they didn't draw the short straw--and it's so damn frustrating because it's what I have to deal with! There are no take-backs or undoing it!

Ugh.

I feel like I'm going to be lonely forever. And like, even if I do find someone I can be happy with, part of me will always wonder if it isn't really second-rate because it isn't "natural". And let me be clear: I'm aware of how offensive all this shit is, and of how I'm making judgements on other gay people the world over just by saying these things; and trust me: being aware of it makes me feel even worse. Like I'm a whiner and a traitor. And I'm sorry.

TL;DR: I guess the point is, how do I stop feeling this way? How do I stop mourning my lost heterosexuality? How do I start feeling like I'm human? I'm having a lot of trouble keeping my chin up and I could some advice.

Please and thanks.

 

Yeah, I don't have any desire for a heterosexual relationship; neither of us would be satisfied. I was basically saying that while I *do* accept that I'm gay, I'm kind of having trouble getting over it. Also, I have started seeing a therapist recently, but it's for a variety of reasons, so I was looking for some immediate advice or a stopgap measure of some kind until we progress that far.

Thanks for replying. I appreciate it.