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Intense internal conflict

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Dabruska, Jan 4, 2020.

  1. Dabruska

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    Hi, this is my first post on anything like this but I’ve come to a point where I literally do not want to get out of bed in the morning and I have extreme anxiety at the thought of the whole subject and need advice!

    So as a bit of background, I currently identify as a straight person, I’ve always had girlfriends in the past and developed feelings for girls, I have regularly slept with and engaged sexually with girls throughout my life.

    However alongside this I have always had some degree of sexual attraction to going down on men, my interest in men has been fairly limited in this regards due to fantasising purely about that particular act. I have experimented this by hooking up later in life with 3 men on ###### and doing what I mentioned. From these 3 experiences I only enjoyed it once. I have never had the desire to go any further with experimenting sexually because I’m not so keen on the idea of anal. Im proud of myself for doing this.

    Yet despite this apparent knowing, a year ago I started working with a gay person who started to buy me gifts. Due to my “dark” secret that I have about going down on men it has always made me feel uncomfortable around gay people in case they can see through me. This guy that I started working with, who I really do not know very well at all has been on my mind since, my big dilemma is that I don’t know if I am consciously thinking about him all the time because I developed feelings for him (which would be a first for me) and based on the fact that I do not even know him on a personal level seems weird, or due to his interest in me I am associating all the shame that consumes me regarding same sex encounters to just a name. When I think about him I am not particularly sexually aroused or happy and fluttery, I just feel anxiety and stress but at the same time every time I think in my head about my girlfriend it’s like I have a demon on my other shoulder saying his name and shouting “gay” “gay” at me. Is this a form of OCD where I am torturing myself or my true feelings. But surely it would make me happy to think of him and not anxious.

    This has started to magnify in recent days as I have started a new relationship with a girl that I have met, I have slept with her many times but when this whole subject is on my mind i find it really difficult to get aroused. Which is frustrating because I have to think of some excuse if I’m unable to perform and I feel like I’m consistently deceiving her.

    Sorry for the lengthy paragraph and I hope someone can empathise with me on this because it is causing me a whole lot of stress that I really don’t need at this time in my life. I just want to be happy and stress free, but it’s hard with this looming over me all day every day.

    Thanks
     
  2. Contented

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    It sounds like you are struggling to come to terms with your same sex attraction. This can be a very painful and stressful process. It is especially interesting that you are having arousal problems with your GF. For many of us the desire and then the ability to become aroused begins to disappear until finally arousal is impossible. It sounds as if you are starting the process of coming to terms with your homosexuality. Just an opinion as only you know what is truly happening internally.
     
    #2 Contented, Jan 4, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2020
  3. BaconBacon

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    You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself because you want a quick answer. This maybe the cause of the anxiety and it will cloud your judgement. You need to step back and take a break from it. At the end of the day when you realise who you are you will be happy. So dont worry to much.
     
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  4. Lek

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    Unless I misread something, is it possible that you're bisexual?

    It kind of sounds like you're struggling with the label, but there really is no need for one. Most males have had sex with other men (at least once) and never considered themselves gay. Situational same-sex sex (e.g., in prison, military, etc.) is common. So, you're lucky, perhaps, that can have sex with a female or a male.

    Concerns about your sexual performance with your female friend may well be affecting your ability to get aroused.

    Whether your partner is male or female, make sure you enjoy sex and that your partner enjoys sex. Let go and let it flow.

    Are you at a place in your relationship with your female partner where you can tell her you're questioning or bisexual? That might ease concerns.

    Finally, do something special for yourself to let yourself know that you love yourself!
     
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  5. Chip

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    Hard to tell what's going on here. Could be anxiety or somethign on the OCD spectrum, or could be emerging same-sex feelings.

    When you're masturbating without porn, what are you thinking about? If it's always girls, try thinking about guys. If you're only watching porn while masturbating, give that up for a while and just use fantasy, and switch back and forth between men and women in different sessions. This will give you a clearer picture than anything else.

    The difficulty performing with your current gf could be entirely anxiety-related and may have nothing to do with being attracted to guys, or even with OCD. That's why the masturbation testing is usually an effective approach.
     
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  6. LostJedi

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    As someone who previously identified as a straight man, I would feel (at times overwhelming) anxiety and shame around same sex attractions. I'd enjoyed sleeping with a number of women and couldn't quite reconcile fantasies and crushes and strong attractions to men.

    There was a point when I was single and filled with this crushing desire to be with a man that I went a hookup site, but I chickened out before actually meeting up with someone. In retrospect, while it may have satisfied part of that desire and yearning, it was not a healthy way to question my sexuality or discover myself. Looking back, I can see that it is more likely that it would have added fuel to that confusion and shame rather than creating an "ah ha" moment of self-realization that I clearly needed.

    I was only able to properly question my sexuality when I was emotionally stable and centered, without too much internal noise. Once I came out to myself as bisexual, things clicked into place.

    Only you can name your attractions and figure out who you are. I'm sharing this both to say that your anxieties aren't unique, as well as part of my ongoing efforts to be honest about myself and with myself.

    You are not alone. You are valid and your feelings shouldn't be a source of shame. You have a community of support here.
     
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  7. Athexant

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    If you're attracted to women, I don't necessarily think you're gay. It's a possibility that you could be bisexual, but that's something only you can put a label on yourself. It seems that a lot of the anxiety you're having stems from the fact that you don't quite know how to process the feelings you're having, and you're worried that these feelings will impact your current relationship. These feelings will only impact your relationship if you choose to let them. Some of the ways I've found for easing anxiety is writing all of these feelings and fears down onto a sheet of paper. There's something soothing about the physical act of writing as opposed to typing. Read it over, see how each things resonates with you. When your mind is anxious, it can often cloud your judgement and eliminate any sexual desire, male or female. It will be easier for you to come to terms with who you are when you're calmer. When you're done reading, feel free to rip that paper to shreds. It will feel wonderful to destroy that paper with your anxieties on it.

    Your identity will sort itself out as time passes. I know it's difficult, but look into ways to relax so you can enjoy your time with your current girlfriend. I remember when I was coming to terms with my sexuality, it was confusing and anxiety-provoking, so I definitely understand where you're coming from.
     
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  8. Regaen

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    Could it be you just have a thing for oral? I mean, you said that was your male-male fantasy. Have you tried orally pleasing a woman? It might be you're bi, but you might also just have a fetish. Just calm down, take it slow, and let some of the pressure off. You don't need to label yourself right away, or even ever. Labels aren't permanent either. As people grow and change so do some of our needs and desires.