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Insecurities and boundaries: Where do you draw the line?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Jax12, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. Jax12

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    Here's the scoop. I'll make it quick.

    My now ex, met a friend over a dating app (they were not interested in each other, just friends). My ex invited his friend over, they drank, and he crashed at my ex's place for the night, on the same bed. They did not do anything, and I trusted that what he said was true.

    My ex tells me what happened the next morning (like it was no big deal), and I told him that what he did bothered me. We argued, not surprisingly, but his stance is that he had fun and thought there was nothing wrong with what he did, so there was no need to apologize to me. He didn't care about how I felt in this situation (something he clearly stated).

    If I did something similar like my ex, he says that it wouldn't bother him. The thing is, I wouldn't even think twice about doing that. I just don't think that's appropriate (although, if that was the only bed, then go for it, but there was another upstairs).

    If I'm insecure, I want to work on that. I have trust issues, and so if you gain my trust, you're a pretty important person in my books. Cross me, and it's going to take a miracle to trust you again.

    I need a unbiased, honest second opinion on what you guys think!
     
    #1 Jax12, Dec 5, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  2. Chip

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    Sooooo... if I understand the situation correctly, your ex (meaning, someone you broke up with and are no longer in a relationship with) had someone over. And this has somehow upset you.

    Unless I'm missing something, it sounds like the issue is entirely yours. If this person is your ex, you are no longer in a relationship, then both of you are free to hook up with, go out with, sleep with, spend time with, and do whatever else with anyone they wish to, with no obligation to notify their ex (either before or after the event) of what's happening.

    Now... if you're trying to maintain a friendship with your ex, that gets extremely complicated, mostly because the issues like the above tend to come into it and get in the way. If that's what you're trying to do, I'd suggest a period of not talking or interacting (maybe 6 months or so) so that feelings can fade, and whatever friendship can then be rekindled with a different set of boundaries.

    Just to be clear... if this was someone you were in a relationship with at the time, then the rules would be different. Under those circumstances, what happened was OK, and not a really big deal, but the two of you would be reasonable to discuss and establish rules for this sort of thing in advance. Quite honestly, it does sound like, if you were in the relationship at the time, that there's some insecurity there, because someone who had no concerns whatsoever would probably not see it as a big deal.
     
    #2 Chip, Dec 5, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  3. Twist

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    @Gideon and I are extremely possessive of each other, which has nothing to do with insecurity and everything to do with the mentality of "what's mine is mine". He's mine. I'm his.

    To that end, we have clearly defined boundaries about what is and is not okay. I suggest that when you find another partner, you do the same with them so that you are both on the same page.

    Incidentally, what your ex did (I'm assuming you mean he did this when you two were together) would not be okay with either of us in our relationship.
     
  4. Jax12

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    @Chip heres the thing.

    Yes, to clarify, we were in a relationship at the time this happened. This was discussed, and I made it very clear to him that I was not okay with what he did. But, as I’ve said above, he really didn’t care about how I felt.

    I am personally not comfortable with my significant other, at the time, to sleep beside someone when they were both drunk and passed out. I don’t understand how this is me being insecure? I think this is a reasonable concern, no?

    Why do you think it’s not a big deal?
     
    #4 Jax12, Dec 5, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  5. Jax12

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    Yes, we were together at the time. I just don’t find this acceptable in a relationship, which is why I’m having a hard time thinking about what my this is a insecurity issue.
     
  6. Chip

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    Hmmm. Well... what it goes to is trust, which should be the foundation of any healthy relationship. If trust is there, then there should be no reason to be concerned about what happens when your boyfriend is in a situation like that, because he should be trustworthy. If trust isn't there... well then, there really isn't much of a basis to hold the relationship together at all.

    Now... personally, I think the idea of getting drunk enough that one is not in full control of their thoughts, actions, and mental capacity is stupid, and not something I'd do, nor would it be an acceptable behavior for someone I was in a relationship with... but that's me. And that's one of the complexities of tolerating drunken or other altered-state behavior; it can be a convenient excuse for things to happen when they shouldn't. So one has to consider that factor in there as well.
     
  7. Twist

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    Part of what I'm saying is that just because that behavior is unacceptable to you doesn't mean it's because of insecurity. It is perfectly natural to be possessive about one's significant other.

    That said, only you can decide if it's insecurity, or if it's possessiveness, that you are experiencing.
     
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  8. PatrickUK

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    Well, the bigger concern for me, would be that my then boyfriend had been using a dating app to meet "friends" and I wonder if that's the crux of the issue with you Jax? In my opinion, you don't use a dating app to find buddies. In fact, you don't use a dating app at all when you are in a serious, monogamous relationship. If this friend had been someone who he'd known forever, I wonder if you would you have felt the same way?

    In broader terms, I do agree with Chip. There should be no big issue with two friends sharing a bed and I think you need to give some credit to your ex for being completely frank and honest with you that it happened. If it had been a female friend would you have been so annoyed? If not, what is that telling you?

    There really was no duplicity on his part about what happened that night and you seemed to believe him anyway... BUT there is a bigger question mark (for me) about him using dating apps. Now that would piss me off.
     
  9. Jax12

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    @Chip But for someone who has trust issues just due to general anxiety (and he knows this), I don’t think there’s a whole lot I could do other than assume he’s telling the truth. The alcohol factor also contributed to my concerns, because as anyone knows, people can do stupid things when they’re drunk. Maybe I was more on the defensive, but can you blame me for that?

    What bothered me the most is when I brought up this concern to him, he really didn’t care. In fact, in general, when I brought up something that, in my opinion, was serious, he would just brush it off and laugh.

    @PatrickUK There are two points you brought up that my ex has mentioned.

    If this friend was someone he knew forever, maybe I wouldn’t feel the same. He invited a person that I didn’t know over (from an app), and they slept on the same bed. If it was a girl, or even a straight friend, then I wouldn’t be very concerned. But again, as I’ve outlined above, the reason why I’ve gotten so upset with him is because I brought my concerns to him and asked him not to do it again, and it backfired. For someone whom I’ve loved so much to say that they didn’t care about how I felt at the time is just devastating.

    About the dating app used to find friends... similar to this situation, I found out because one day he told me about the friend he met on an app. He thought that using an app to find friends was not isssue, and installed without my knowledge. I didn’t see this as an issue, because I trusted his intention of looking for friends over an app. Quite frankly, I tried to do the same.
     
    #9 Jax12, Dec 6, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
  10. OGS

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    The scenario itself would not bother me, nor would I expect it to bother my husband. On the other hand if I did something like this and it did bother my husband I would want to discuss it and would feel bad that I had caused him discomfort. It sounds like your ex was pretty simply dismissive of your feelings which, rather than the sleepover or the app, is where I would draw the line in the scenario. Even in the event that what I feel is unreasonable it's what I feel and it matters to my husband--and vice versa.
     
  11. Jax12

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    @OGS And here’s the thing: my ex didn’t feel bad whatsoever because he “had fun”, and “didn’t feel the need to apologize”, because in his eyes, he did nothing wrong. Sure, I’m upset sbout the scenario, but what I’m more upset about is how dismissive he was about my feelings... He didn’t even need reassure me, I just wanted my concerns to be acknowledged, is that too much to ask?

    I wanted to resolve this with him, because I felt that this situation involved both of us. His actions upseted me, and I wanted us to come to a consensus on what we should do this point forward.

    He said that I needed to deal with this on my own, cause it was my problem. I lost is from that point.
     
    #11 Jax12, Dec 6, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2017
  12. Chip

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    No, not at all. It sounds like he was kind of a jerk, and didn't really care about your feelings. In that way, this doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship.

    That's just a bunch of crap. If it concerns you, he should be willing to talk it out. If he wasn't... then he's an inconsiderate ass.
     
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  13. Jax12

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    I really didn’t see it as an unhealthy relationship until my psychologist today pointed that out (after discussing with her).

    I don’t like putting a bad image on people, but what I’m telling you is literally how he treated me when I told him I didn’t like what he did. I love the fella so much, but saying “I don’t care, I had fun and won’t apologize”?

    What was I to him all this time?