Friends, I have posted parts of my story many times over the past months. While I have made some progress in various aspects of knowing myself, I am still hopelessly stuck regarding the situation with my wife. We are currently separated since November, when I told her that I need to go and explore my gay feelings. I basically told her to proceed as if the marriage were over. In that time she has started seeing a few people. I have had one session with a particularly caring gay escort, and lots of therapy. My gay feelings have been a sort of undercurrent in my life since my late teens, occasionally coming to the forefront with great intensity, at other times practically invisible. Since childhood, I have consistently been attracted to girls, and still usually need to look at straight porn in order to climax. My understanding is that the existence of these gay feelings means our marriage has no future, regardless of the presence of some hetero attraction. Furthermore, I have a great deal of identification with gay culture and community, and feel somewhat removed from the straight world. In my mind, the separation was a bold, pre-emptive action, to try to avoid the fate of so many people who spend 10 or 20 or 30 years in marriages, leaving the other partner in far worse shape. But I still love my wife and miss her terribly. The idea of cutting the cord and getting a divorce fills me with anxiety and grief. Right now I know she is sitting in bed with the cat playing silly games on her phone, and I long to be over there snuggled up with them. My feelings towards her are loving and protective and, it seems to me, masculine. At the same time I’m just starting to dip my toe in the gay waters, with a dating profile. I know that my deepest sexual fantasies can’t be realized with a woman, but I am far from comfortable expressing them with a man. I know I have to make a choice, and the pressure to do so is killing me. I feel torn apart. I just want to hide, which is essentially what I have done. I wish I had infinite time to work this out, but we can’t keep going in this limbo. Reading this over now, it seems obvious that it’s time to end things. But I value the opinions of the people here on EC, and would love to hear anyone’s input.