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Incapable of loving?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by eddddddddd, Apr 9, 2019.

  1. eddddddddd

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    I had tons of crushes
    but never been in a long term relationship due to not feeling "inlove".

    I am now in questioned why cant i love normally? why do i have to feel so different? I have hurt people due to me feeling like I just lead them on and then bam. Im sorry I just dont know or cant love you. You deserve someone better.

    *sigh*

    sucks.
     
  2. Chip

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    The difficulty with feeling "in love" is usually due to difficulties with opening up and being willing to make yourself vulnerable. All of this is interconnected with shame and worthiness. Usually the best place I suggest people start is to take an hour and watch Brené Brown's three wonderful TED talks. I think you'll probably connect with a lot of what she's saying.

    ... And by the way, before somebody comes along and suggests it, no, you aren't "demisexual", as that term basically describes about half of the population, and in any case, isn't recognized by much of anyone credible.

    Here they are, in the best order to watch.



     
    #2 Chip, Apr 9, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
  3. eddddddddd

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    Hello sir chip. I had watch Brenes work and even some school of life videos (a popular youtube channe). I learned foreboding joy and the vid with Oprah. But I honestly dont know what to do from then on. I dont know where to even begin. Im sorry. Im not saying I dont understand but its like, after watching the videos. What now? do i move on with the idea that i just wasnt vulnerable enough thats why i keep losing feelings towards my past relationships?
     
  4. Chip

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    Basically, in most cases, what prevents us from connecting to others is the "not good enough" that Brené talks about. We unconsciously fear that we don't deserve a healthy relationship or someone who loves us, so we avoid getting attached, which keeps us (or so we think) from being hurt when the relationship invariably ends.

    So the solution to that is multifold. One piece is looking at our "not enoughs" and learning to accept and love ourselves exactly as we are. Another is to practice gratitude and appreciation for what we have. Another is putting ourselves out there and practicing vulnerability. Still another is exploring what (usually something in childhood) made us feel "not enough", so that we can understand and let go of that feeling.

    The best way to do this is with the help of a therapist. You can also read Brené's "Gifts of Imperfection", Kristin Neff's "Self Compassion", and maybe Gary Zukav's "Seat of the Soul". Finding a self-help group focused on improving self-esteem can be helpful as well.

    There's no instant fix, but this is a very solvable problem with some continued effort and practice.
     
  5. eddddddddd

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    Im not looking for easy fix but damn why does love got to be difficult for a lot of people? I feel really clueless where to even start. All my friends are very lucky to love and be inlove quite easily. Im trying to stay as positive but eventually ill remember the people i had hurt and now scared because im aware that i may hurt other people again and again and again.

    Thank you chip for actually trying to ease things out. Problem is i cant afford therapy right now, mostly focusing the budget for college. There are free therapies i think but i actually want to to "pay" so idealistically they will actually be interested in fixing my problem, just a thought.
     
  6. Chip

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    I wouldn't assume that therapists who aren't getting paid don't care. Many believe in what they do and so offer it to those who can't afford it. Others need the supervised experience after finishing school. Take a look and see what options exist and at least give it a try.
     
  7. Manish1234

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    I also faced the same issue.