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Inappropriate crush on friend help

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by steve90, Mar 11, 2019.

  1. steve90

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    Hi, I am a 27 year old gay guy. I have struggled with accepting my sexuality for a long time. I have recently come out to some family and friends. I have posted here before.
    My problem is something else.
    I am living abroad in Spain teaching English. I don't speak the local language but live in a city. I have a few friends here but not many.
    The jist of the story is I have a crush on 17 year old family friend from Spain.. 16 is the legal age here but that is beside the point. This family friend has been helpful and helped with my loneliness and help me settle in. We go to the cinema/ bars/ lake etc i even help with his english .As I mentioned I don't have many friends here but I have grown attached to this guy. Any time i go out with other friends or to an event, my mind thinks about what he will be doimg and whtether he misses me like i him . It it is becoming a obession. I now get easily jealous if he is with other people and am scared I will lose him as a friend if I keep letting my jealousy get the better of me .

    We have been to bars and clubs a few times. He has kissed and touched me when he was drunk (he is bi) but nothing has happened as I have refused to let it happen.
    I want to get over him but still want to be friends.
    He was like a younger brother to me but my feelings for him are going beyond that.
    I don't want to get that jealous feeling when I hear he is doing stuff with other people or that he has went with someone . I hate what I have become.

    He is a good guy but I know he is not thinking of me 24/7 like I him.

    Is it possible for me to become just friends and a brother with this guy. I would hate to ruin our friendship.

    I guess part of what attracts me to him is he is younger he is 17. I am 27 and spent the best part of my life self loathing about my sexuality. I feel my life is over so in some ways I am also envious of him that he has his life ahead of him. Knowing that and what I have wasted kills me.

    Your advice would be much appreciated
     
  2. Ruby Dragon

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    Even though he's of legal age, there's still a significant age gap. If both of you were 10 years older, the dynamic will change and it won't be a power dynamic with you having so much more life experience than if both of you were 10 years older. I know it's heartbreaking to think of it like that, but he's still a teenager, even if he's of legal age, whilst you are an adult, with way more life experience than him.

    I would advise you to tread carefully. Don't allow your feelings to cloud your better judgment. He's still so young, and as you've said, he has his whole life ahead of him. You might also feel like he is actually years ahead of you because he has his sexuality figured out. That's not to say he's mature enough emotionally to handle a relationship with someone 10 years his senior.

    I don't know what to tell you other than not hanging out alone with him so much, at least not just the two of you. And allow him to have friends closer to his own age, even if it kills you inside. Feeling jealous if a crush has other friends/people he wants to hang out with other than you, is normal. However, you need to be careful to not let that make you treat him differently. Meaning, don't be unnecessarily mean towards him because he "dumped" you to hang out with his peers. As a teenager, he needs to hang out with like-minded people. People who have the same life experience he has. Allow him to grow as an individual.

    Good luck figuring out the path forward. I know it's not easy :slight_smile:
     
  3. steve90

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    Thank you for the reply.
    I don't know what to do though. My life is over. Short of throwing myself in front of a bus. What can I do?
    Will these feelings go away. I didn't ask to feel this way and would not choose to have them.
     
  4. I'mStillStanding

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    Maybe the feelings are less about him and more about you. I mean your in a new place, you don’t speak the language which kinda alginates you even more, you’ve struggled with your sexuality and have finally accepted it... maybe it’s more like your lonely and feel safe with a person and are just searching for a connection. Friendship is a good connection.

    I too came out late (right as I was tunring 28) and that was really the first time I felt sexual. So maybe you’re just crossing your feelings over because clearly you’re uncomfortable with them... just a thought.
     
  5. smurf

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    Why do you feel like your life is over? All you have to do is not make moves on a 17 year old.

    Why do you have those feelings? This is a wild guess based on your posts, but it sounds like you have been fairly lonely and don't have too many people close to you. So when the first person comes along that makes you feel special then you get attached to them. It truly has less to do about the 17 year old and more to do with your low-self esteem and feeling special for the firs time in a while.

    With all that being said, don't beat yourself up too much.

    Be the adult in the situation and take control of your actions. Stop kissing him and stop letting him think its okay to make moves on you. Is there a way that you can get to a therapist while you are there? You keep mentioning that you life is over, so it might be worth talking with someone so you can talk about all the feelings you have bottled up about your coming out and everything else you are feeling.
     
  6. steve90

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    Thanks for your reply smurf, it rings true.
    I need to get out more. I am not going to lie it hurts that I have gotten myself attached, but I have kept it going in my head thinking something could have happened. It's quite hard and expensive to see a therapist here in English. I need to have faith in myself.

    I think it is a combination of me not having my support system, being here, feeling lonely and becoming attached to this individual.
     
  7. steve90

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    I am just so upset and depressed because I have wasted my youth and 20s being depressed and having other mental health issues . Not far off 30 what do I have to live for. I have missed out in so much, all because I could not accept myself as a gay guy. I feel bitterness and sadness. I could blame society but it is me too. I feel envy seeing young people living care free

    I am still young at heart. People my age and friends are buying houses and settling down. I am not ready for that given I have not lived my 20s fully. I still want adventure and to live life but society and my friends are doing otherwise. Is there a right way to live at a certain age.
    That is why I came to Spain for a "fresh start' in the first place. But instead of being honest with who I am. People assumed I was straight and I did not have guts to correct them. I was thus living a lie again and then I developed feelings for this straight guy, because I saw something in him which I admired and wanted. I wanted to be like him. He had no fear unlike me. If I can't like myself how can other people like me far less respect me.

    I guess the questions that I have is as I am in my late 20s approaching 30 should I settle down and wonder what could have been?
    Should I tell the few friends I have here I am gay and explain the reason why I have not told them until now
     
    #7 steve90, Mar 16, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2019
  8. I'mStillStanding

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    I felt this exact way. I even posted something very similar 3 years ago when I came to EC. I was 27 about to be 28, married to a woman, and very depressed things I was joining the game so late. I promise this feeling passes. It passed for me as I came out and got out. I realized I couldn’t waste time worrying about what could have been, because I should be enjoying what is. I’m turning 31 in two weeks and I’m still young. There’s a lot of life and good times to be had! I’m not saying get over it, I’m saying you’ll get through it for sure and when you do you’ll have a ton of fun. Promise!

    Absolutly not! If you’re not ready and still want an adventure and to be foot loose and fancy free no. My great grandmother got married at 13 and first child at 14. Everyone did in our area back then. If you weren’t married and had kids by 20 you were done. Now we realize how crazy that is. It’s just as crazy to expect everyone to start a family and all in their 20s. Why not enjoy life, live, make mistakes, get settled, find love (over and over and over again), then decide if that what is right for you. Don’t let society and what they say you should be and do continue to rule your life! Be you :slight_smile:
    As for telling everyone your sexuality. Did they all come out to you? If not then just don’t stress about it. I mean I’d tell them for sure. If they say why haven’t you told me? Just say because I was sorting it myself and I mean do you tell everyone you’re straight hahahaha and laugh to lighten it up
     
    #8 I'mStillStanding, Mar 16, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2019