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In two mind what to do

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Markieg64, Dec 7, 2017.

  1. Markieg64

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    I' m a gay man in a heterosexual marrige
    I' have not come out to family and friends. .as I don' want wife knowing because I don' want to hurt her .
    I do love my wife but not sexauly
    And I would like to stay with her .
    But recently I have been having very strong feeling about having relationships with man so much I'm in two minds what to do .

    Do I go meet someone to try It out first
    Or do I come clean to my wife about being gay and make a clean break
    Or do I come clean and hope we can work things out
    I am also scared to come out to wife an daughters because my eldest is getting married next year and having our first grandchild which on both I want to be apart of
    O what to do
     
  2. Chip

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    You owe it to your wife to discuss your feelings with her. After all, she's committed herself 100% to your relationship, and if roles were reversed, I'm sure you'd want that.

    Once you've had the conversation, you can consider from there where you want to go. There are lots of different options. It will take time and thought and consideration on both of your parts to make a determination how to proceed.

    But please don't go out and hook up with someone first. That will destroy the authenticity and integrity of your relationship, and make it a lot harder to take the next steps.
     
  3. Markieg64

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    Thnx chip I do agree she has give a 100% and she don' deserve me going out and finding a relationship with a another man and yes I think I do need to talk to my wife first . I don' want to do that till after my daughter' wedding next year and birth of grandchild just incase it don' work out to well . But I spose if these feelings get to much I will have to tell her earlier

    Thnx again
     
  4. quebec

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    Markieg64....I am also a gay man in a heterosexual marriage. I came out here on empty closets in Dec. 2014. I began seeing a therapist in Dec. 2015. After a lot of conversations with my therapist I finally came out to my wife in March 2106. Please don't go behind your wife's back and cheat on her. The price for that is so very high. It's just adds to the difficulty that you already face. I am so glad that I didn't cheat. It wasn't easy, but keeping my vows to her was important to me. Coming out to her was just as difficult as the first time I ever told someone face-to-face. But I am so glad that I did. We have been together for 39 years (Yes...I am a lot older than you!), have three sons and four grandkids. We have built a life together and I love her...emotionally, not sexually. We have chosen to stay together as I am NOT out looking for a hookup or a boyfriend. Would I like to be with a guy if it were possible? Probably...but I value what I have over what might be. So, yes...take Chip's advice...tell her. Don't forget to tell her you love her and want to stay with her and then work toward making that happen. ...David
     
  5. Markieg64

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    Hi David
    Thnx for the advice I understand what your saying and I do agree that is what I want to stay together but it is hard at times and yes I should come clean to her about being gay and talk to her about I want to stay together but tell her my feelings and hope we can work it out

    Just got to work up courage know

    Cheers and thnx for advice
     
  6. quebec

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    Markieg64....Oh yes, the courage! I was in such a panic when I came out to my wife. One of those; "I just can't say those three little words...I am gay". They just would not come out of my mouth for quite a while. When they did I completely broke down into sobs and the tears flowed. But we got through it. Now my wife will even occasionally make a pretty good gay joke that we can laugh at! .....David
     
  7. Markieg64

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    I understand about the panic I'm as nervous as hell about telling her

    And I wouldn' mind the jokes lol
     
  8. Contented

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    All sound advice. If your gay and can no longer live a lie you must be honest with your wife. It may hurt, be uncomfortable but it would be worse to betray her with a hook up etc. In my case once I knew with certainty I was gay, I had no choice but to tell my girlfriend. I needed to be free to explore my sexuality. The choice to cause short term pain or life long pain for your wife is in your hands. Please do the right thing.
     
  9. DesireEyes

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    I cheated and don't regret it but I was not in love with my husband anymore and our marriage was in a very, very bad place. I see my affair as the catalyst in helping me begin my coming out process to myself, finally understanding why I had felt so unfulfilled and unable to connect with my husband in any way. I never saw a way out of my marriage before, even though I was miserable. I just felt stuck in this hell that I couldn't even place why I was so depressed other than blaming him for everything which was very unfair. When I finally came to know who I was and realized I was gay and in turn found the courage to finally tell my husband and know I could survive a divorce, it was finding inner strength I never had before that allows me to own the "blame" in ending the marriage. If you honestly love your wife and still want to potentially stay with her over the long term, cheating should be avoided.
     
  10. HelpLOL

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    Hey, As the "straight" partner. I second what everyone already said. My wife recently came out to me. It hasn't been easy but she didn't cheat and that has made a world of difference. Since then I've spent a lot of time in different forums and seen how the sexuality can be huge problem but the lost of trust when the partner cheats seems worse for many.
    That aside, there are other resources out there. If i've learned anything recently is that one size doesn't fit most. If you guys decide to stay in a relationship there are other people out there doing the same. The people in this forum have been pretty open and accepting but i'd also like to mention a yahoo group... eh.. I just reread that big notice at the top of the screen "STOP AND READ THIS" heh. They said to ask first, so... who do I ask about giving out this info? heh... lets just say that if you looked you could find a group online for .. (M)aking (M)ixed (O)rientation (M)arriages (W)ork. Many of the people that have responded to my post have been in long lasting marriages.I'm not saying it's for everyone but more options are better than less right? :grin:
     
  11. DesireEyes

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    The disclaimer is there for privacy protection. For me personally, I am here to find safety in others going through similar situations. It doesn't feel safe when straight spouses come on and want to share this site with other straight spouses. It feels like being outed all over again. If straight spouses want to find this or try and spy on their exes or current spouses who are trying to find support online that is very possible. This site isn't a vault and can be searched like anything else. But actively promoting it in the straight community feels hurtful to me. But I am in a pretty raw, vulnerable space right now so others may feel differently.
     
  12. HelpLOL

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    I'm really confused, "it doesn't feel safe when straight spouses come on and want to share this site with other straight spouses" Do you mean me wanting to tell Markieg64 about another site that he might find supportive? I really don't understand, i feel like you might of missed my intent there, my intent was to share a yahoo group I've found useful when having marriages of mixed sexuality. I wasn't sharing this site to the yahoo group. I'm also not sure what you mean by " But actively promoting it in the straight community...." I'm at a loss to what you mean here. I'm really sorry if I'm being dense I truly don't mean to be. Completely open to feed back
    thanks
     
    DesireEyes and Peterpangirl like this.
  13. Markieg64

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    Hi guys
    Thnx for your words of support you have given I have read them and taken them in
    I know what I have to do and that is come clean and tell my wife about y sexuality
    And hope it all works out .
    Just got to pluck the courage up know

    So thnx guys
     
  14. Markieg64

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    Hi Help Lol
    Thnx for that I might look into that
     
  15. HelpLOL

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    I've reread
    Np,
    Side note, most of the marriages in there where gay/bi men with "straight" wifes. Seems my situation is even more uncommon that yours lol Anyway, Just passing along what I've seen. Oh I might also tell you that you're wife should probably avoid the "straightspouse" site.. It's not that positive.. :/
     
  16. DesireEyes

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    Thanks for clarifying. I'm sorry too. I am just really triggered when I see straight men whose wives have recently come out make comments in here. It's my own personal pain I'm dealing with. Sorry to have projected on you.
     
  17. DesireEyes

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  18. DesireEyes

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    Just want to clarify that what is being triggered for me is fear my husband could find me on here. He is seeking support online and it is hard to worry that this safe online space for me could no longer be safe if he started posting on here or looking for me on here. Obviously nothing to do with you and your story. Sorry again.
     
  19. Markieg64

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    Ok thnx
     
  20. HelpLOL

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    Thanks so much for the clarification, and no worries I get it and if me being here causes you to be triggered let me. I could find a way to post less or just only post when I'm looking for some advice.