1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

In straight relationship, but questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by hiddenxrainbows, Dec 29, 2015.

  1. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I realized at the age of 18 that I wasn't straight. I came out as bi/pan to my friends because I realized I was attracted to all genders. I thought about trying to get involved with another woman at that point because I'd only have boyfriends in high school and I was really attracted to women. But a few months later, I fell in love with a guy and we started dating. We dated for a year and then I ended it. (He was abusive, and I didn'tdeserve that.) Being single again, I thought about dating a woman this time around. By this time, I realized I was more attracted to women than men. And throughout the relationship, I wondered what it would be like to be with a woman instead. But a little while later, I began dating another man. We've been dating for three and a half years now. I love him dearly. We have problems once in a while, but it's not like any crap I had to put up with with my ex. This guy is a good guy. He's stuck around for a lot, he's my best friend, and he is determined to fix any problems that come up, instead of walking away. But throughout our relationship, I've had times where I've again wondered what it would be like to be with another woman. I've even had a time or two where I questioned if I could be a lesbian. Sometimes, I started wondering about women again wheb our relationship was starting to get a bit rocky. So I wondered if I was only thinking about women because our relationship was rocky and I was only trying to find something "better." But other times, our relationship has been great and I STILL wondered about women. So I don't think that prrelationship problems are the only reason my mind strays. I still get these thoughts about women. I've alked to my boyfriend about it before. He knows I'm bi/pan. Sometimes he doesn't have a problem with it. Like we'll check out girls together when we go out. But I think sometimes he worries because I am way more atracted to women than men. And that is all the time, whether I am currently wondering about women or not. He's told me that we could have a threesome or something similar, if I really want to be with another woman. But he doesn't want me going off by myself to date or have sex with other women by myself, without him. Not while we're together anyway. He has told me he's afraid of me falling in love with another woman and leaving me. Because I am more on the demisexual side of thing. I've only slept with a few guys, no girls, but I always had some deep emotional attachment to them beforehad. I don't know if I am the type of person who could just have a one night stand or a friends with benefits or threesome or the like because I always thrived off of the emotional attachment too. That makes the sex better in my opinion.
    I love my boyfriend. He's been by my side for more than four years now, he was my best friend even before we started dating. I used to be able to see a life with him. Getting married, getting a house, mabe having kids one day. But now when I think about that future, I get worried. My curiosity about women has only gotten worse. I think about women a lot. I really want to experimebt with women, definitely sexually. And maybe romantically as well. I don't know if I could have sex with a woman withut being romanticaly involved with her as well. My obsession with women is beginning to make me push my boyfriend away. He's hinted about a ring before, like he wants to propose. But that kinda thing just makes me nervous now. I worry about staying and making more commitments because I worry that my inner struggle with just get worse and I'll continue to feel more and more suffocated. That's how I feel already: suffocated. Like I'm living a lie or hiding who I am or something. I really want to experience something with a woman. But I don't know what I am anymore. I don't know if I am still bi/pan or if I'm a straight up lesbian. I still have feelings for my boyfriend. But I can't tell if they're "in love/want to spend the rest of my life with" feelings, or "he's my best friend" feelings. I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't know if I can without suffocating myself. I've felt so desperate about the whole thing, that I've thought about cheating on him with a woman, romanticaly and/or sexually, because I know he doesn't want me to but I do. I haven't done anything, but it's crossed my mind multiple times before. I just don't know if it's because I've been with men my whole life and I'm just bi/pan and curious about women because I've never been with one. I don't know if I would feel satisfied if I dated a woman for a while and then if I would be fine with dating men again once I "had a taste," if you understand me. I don't know if it's because my mind is just afraid of the commitment, since I've been hurt by men several times, and my mind is just looking for an escape claus. Or if I really am a lesbian, or it's something else. I also have a high sex drive, and I want to have sex with him a lot. But for some reason, I cannot orgasm with him without imagining I'm with a woman. No matter what he does, if I don't imagine something else, I cannot orgasm. And anytime I'm by myself, I always think of women too. It makes me wonder if I try having sex with him all the time, in the hopes that I will one daybe satisfied with him, but then I'm not because he's not a woman, so I wonder if that's why I have such a high sex drive all the time. Because I'm not getting what I really want...
    I am sorry for venting so much. I just don't know what to do. I feel so stuck and lost. I have no idea if I'm a lesbian or just bi/pan. I am afraid of making the wrong decisin, whether that be sticking with him when I'm a lesbian or leaving him and losing him when I'm really only bi. I'm afraid of messing up and then being unhappy as a result... so if anyone has any feedback at all, or even any advice or stories about how you realized you were gay, I'd really appreciate it because I've been driving myself crazy trying to figure it out myself.
     
  2. rachael1954

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 2, 2015
    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    I will never know what I am, until I'm maybe 80 years old looking back on my life.

    If you're nervous about committing to him now, it doesn't matter your reason, you don't have to get engaged to him. You can postepone it, or break up and try to date women.

    I'm married and I dated women before getting married, and I still got married because "that's what people do" and now I'm in love with a woman with a neglected husband.

    He will be grateful for your honesty, and shouldn't want you to stay with him if your heart isn't in it.

    Don't worry about your sexuality, is my advice, even though it sucks and it's hard and you really want to just know. Just go with your heart into your relationships, and if your heart isn't into a person, for whatever reason, you owe it to yourself and to that person to maybe let that be known and see what's wrong, and maybe the only way to fix it is to "have that taste".

    But I had the taste and thought I was done and that was just stupid and young and it turns out my younger self was more in touch with me than I am now. I should have listened to myself more back then. Don't deny your feelings!
     
  3. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Thank you for the reply, rachael! I really appreciate it!! Part of me wants to commit to him. He is a great guy, and anyone would be lucky to have someone like him. But the other part still fears it. I guess I've been driving myself crazy over my sexuality. I know that he deserves the truth too. He deserves someone who wants to be with him and who is going to be honest with him. I really don't want to hurt him. And that's why even though I've thought about cheating, I haven't. I've never done that to anyone, though I've had it happen TO me. It's really painful, and I don't want to hurt him like that. I am just so scared of messing up, one way or the other. I am also scared of not figuring myself out while I'm younger. Your situation does not sound fun at all, and no offense, but I do not want to end up in an unhappy situation like that. I am really sorry you're in that situation though. I wish there was some way that I could help. If you need to vent or anything, you can message me anytime. I'd be glad to try to help at all, especially since you're trying to help me.

    My man is at work right now, but maybe I'll try to sit him down tonight and try to have a heart to heart with him about it, try to explain my feelings a little more. Because I have told him about my feelings and thoughts or whatever about other women, though it's not about specific women, but I haven't talked in extreme detail about it. I kind of stopped opening up about that after a while because I'm afraid it will just hurt him and he won't trust me anymore or something...but I guess trying to be honest is better than hiding things. Hiding things just breeds resentment. And I guess we'll see how it goes from there...Maybe we won't rush any other committments and see what happens. I don't know... Thank you though! I do agree that I should try to be honest with him. Thank you for telling me that.

    ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2015 at 03:55 PM ----------

    And I will try to listen to my heart some more, like you mentioned. I just have to figure out which is my brain talking and which is my heart haha
     
  4. Laura27

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2013
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    the Netherlands
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow you were right on my thread, you have exactly the same problem! And you also seem to have the same tendency over overthinking and overanalyzing as me! Plus the same writing style. It´s uncanny! I was lying in bed while reading your post on my phone and since I have never related to someone so much on this website, I got up, made coffee and am now seated with my laptop :slight_smile:

    I have a few questions that popped up in my head while reading your story.

    Aside from the questioning and society, would you say that you are happy? Happy to have this man, happy that you might fulfill the role as a wife in your life, happy to have straight sex the rest of your life? Could you learn how to be okay with the doubt? I do believe that people like us will doubt stuff forever, especially if it concerns a topic that there is no simple answer to. If you would say that generally you are happy, this could be one flaw in this relationship that you could keep working on. Every relationship has its struggles. Although this one is complicated and a bit more dangerous to your relationship than most flaws. Keep that in mind.

    Is there no way the relationship could be opened up? What seems to be more a matter of identity and reflection to me, seems to be more of an 'I never' to you. I definitely think that you should try something outside of your relationship (with consent of your partner!) Personally I believe love does not equal sex. But I am quite liberal in this and not many share my opinion.

    Do you think about breaking up, or your post breaking up life all the time? Again, questioning aside, this says a lot. If you cannot imagine life without him but have to overcome this personal hurdle, stay. If you spend way more time dreaming about a breakup, or being broken up, or even a universe where you have never met him, well, then at least it should lead to a conversation.

    When it comes to sex I feel the same as you. I have never orgasmed during sex with my boyfriend since I was hyper aware of the fact that he was a man. I feel so dirty after we had sex, because of the lack of mental 'want' (and a little too much of 'please get this over with already') from my side. But when I am alone, I always think of women, and while we have sex, I try to ignore the fact that I am having sex with a man. It is not that good, I always always always wonder what it would be like if he was an attractive woman.

    I do not know what more advice to give, since I am almost in the same situation as you. The only differences are that I think I am more secure in my gay identity since I've been out as gay before, struggled with this as a child and as a teen, and I have this subconscious knowing that I like women more than men. Maybe you have this too, you did not disguss the topic. Another difference is that I do not think my partner is perfect to me.

    One of my personal weaknessess is that I am really bad to initiate the break up. When I was 15/16 I stayed for 1.5 year in a relationship with the boy that I ended up resenting, but since I still saw him as my best friend, a friend I did not want to loose, I carried on until he broke up with me. I have done two break up attempts but took everything back when he broke down and showed that the breakup would make him miserable. Now that I am a little older, I still recognize that I feel exactly the same now as that I did back then, and this reflection worries me. My current boyfriend will never initiate a breakup, even if I start acting strange. I have already initiated to break up twice. So in this mindset we will never break up, even if I am unhappy.

    What gives me courage to really Talk with him is that staying in a relationship I am not certain of is downright abusive. He is wasting his time if I end up deciding that, yes, I am actually a lesbian and I figured it all out while he is there investing all of his time and energy in me, while with the same time he could have found a nice straight, bi or pan girl that is secure in her identity.

    Sorry for the long text, and sorry for the spelling- and grammarmistakes. English is not my native language and I do not have a spellcheck on this device. Please keep us updated. Have a nice day!
     
  5. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I don't mind the long reply at all! We really do sound similar, especially about the hesitance to leave people. I had relationships like that too. I have been broken up with more than I've broken things off. The only things I've gained the courage to break something off is when the other person wrongs me, like cheating onme. But if they're decent to me, I am really hesitant to break it off. Even if I might not be 100% happy. I've thought about leaving my current boyfriend a few times, mainly because of this sexuality issue, but I always chicken out.

    I think I am not as secure with my sexuality as you are. I didn't come out as pan til I was 18. I didn't even consciously realize I liked women too until age 17. Sometimes, I wonder if my problem is I am so afraid of my sexuality. I grew up with a religious father. He shoved the beliefs that gay people were evil and going to hell down my throat. I didn't realize myself that gay people weren't evil til my mid to late teens. And again, I didn't realize my attraction to women til I was 17. So I wonder if I am struggling so much because I still have some internalized homophobia. I still haven't told my dad anything about my attraction to women yet either, and I am afraid of him finding out and hating me for it. My mom passed away when I was little, so he's the only parent I have left.

    As for the opening of our relationship, I don't know about that. My boyfriend has said he'd be fine with group sex, us both being involved. But he doesn't want me doing anything on m own. He doesn't want to do anything on his own. He used to believe that there was a difference between sex and love. He started having sex at an earlier age than me, and it wasn't always love for him. Most of the time, it was just about getting off. But now, he seems to care a lot more about the emotional attachment and love. He really cares about me, and so when we have sex, it's also about the love for him too. He doesn't want anyone to have me by themself, because he has such an emotional attachment to me. And he is afraid of me falling for someone else. He knows I find women more attractive, and he thinks if we open up that pandora's box, I will leave him for a woman. Which I cannot honestly say that wouldn't happen because I do not know. But I understand how he feels. I didn't first have sex til I was 18. And I haven't slept with as many people as he as. But I've always been more sexually attracted to someone when I had feelings for them too. The emotiknal attachment has always been important to me. So I don't even know how I would go about trying outside stuff while still with him. Even if we did something together, I don't know how to go about that. It seems a lot harder to find a woman interested in a couple, than anythin else. And I can understand why alot of queer women wouldn't want to be involved in that. It kind of makes it seem like couples are fetishizing queer women. I know that's how a lot of women think, especially bi women because not all of them are interested in group sex.

    I think I am happy with him. I do certainly care about him. Sometimes, I am extremely happy with the way things are and I want to keep trying to make sure things work together. I am still touched by love songs and sappy stories, they always make me think of him. Sometimes, I don't even think about women at all. It seems like those feelings "flare up," per say, occassionally but they don't exist all the time. So I don't think about leaving him all the time. I'm not 100% sure I will always be happy with him though and will want to spend the rest of my life with him. I like spending time with him. Straight sex is kind of boring though, and I'm not 100% sure I'd be satisfied with that for the rest of my life. Maybe if we weren't so "vanilla," it would be more satisfying and interesting. The same old stuffgets boring after a while.
    Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'm one of those people who are better in poly relationships. Makes me wonder if I'd be happy in a relationship like that. But like I said above, I don't think I can really do that with this current boyfriend. He doesn't seem to keen on me having feelings for someone else. He seems more monogamous.
    I'm nust afraid of committing myself to him without 100% knowing for sure if I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him. Honestly, fully cmmitting the rest of your life to someone, either gender, seems kind of...rash to me. I mean, anything could happen. You don't know how compatible you two will be in 5, 10, 50 years from now. People grow, adapt, change. You two could be completely different people and incompatible in 20 years. I hear about this one couple from a friend. They don't believe in traditional marriage. So what they did was had a ceremony and agreed to commit to each other for the next 10 years. After the 10 years was up, they'd reevaulate their relationship and their love for each other and they'd decide if it was a good idea to stay together longer or not. And they could commit themselves to each other for another 10 years if they wanted. Personally, I think that makes more logical sense, to me anyway. But a lot of people don't agree with that. They feel if you commit to them, you should commit the rest of your life or you don't truly love them. I don't know though. I'm just ranting now lol
     
  6. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    But I wil say this: If I stay with him, I am NOT having children with him. I'm not having children at all, no matter what gender I end up with, whether it's "natural," adoption, or anything else. I can't stand kids; they annoy me to no end. So if we stay together, we're growing old with no kids. We've actually already had this discussion, and he says he's fine with not having kids because they annoy him too. But before we were around other people's kids too much, he said he wanted to have kids with me. So I hope he doesn't change his mind or isn't just lying to make me feel better. Because I seriously do not want kids.
     
    #6 hiddenxrainbows, Jan 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 2, 2016