Met my first love when I was almost 37. She feel so wanted when we first met in person after 2 months of texting I fell head over heels in love after a 5 day liaison. Before she left for her country we decided to try long distance. The first few months were turbulent as we fought over everything. Late replies to messages, misunderstandings, but I would always apologise and start the reconciliation process even if she was the instigator. When she lost money in the stock market she took it out on me as well. Needless to say, this already sounds like an abusive relationship. But the good times were great. I never felt love like this before with anyone, having failed in so many pre-relationships I truly wanted this to last. In some ways, she was so perfect. I’m supposedly the butch but I’m clueless about sex so I inevitably became the receiver. We struggled in the bedroom thou and eventually stopped trying. However it wasn’t a big deal for her and she never treated me worse over that. But I felt bad. Fought so hard for better days. Which was why I forgave her again and again. It never became physically abusive, but each of her visits was riddled with ugly, ugly arguments. However, we managed to reach some sort of a compromise 9 months into the relationship I thought we can make this last. The fights were less frequent and less ugly. Went on several trips overseas. She met my family and friends. We talked about me uprooting to her country and settle down. She doesn’t have a regular job so the only way she could settle down here in my country was illegally. So that was not an option. With me, she expects perfection in attending to her needs and expectations - which was hard being 4000km apart most of the time. With her, I’m expected to understand her moods and inconvenience. She once said she gets overly possessive and sensitive with me as I was the first person she made the first move on. This is long, so now I’ll go straight to the current state I’m in. She’s travelling in Europe now, solo. I have a full time job so am not able to join her this round but had plans to visit her home country next month. Since few days ago she became very impatient each time we chat, which culminated into me cutting one conversation short. But we said our good nights with no further drama. The next day, missed each other’s calls. When I finally had my dinner break (I work noon shift) I called her but received no replies. When I finished my shift I continued calling and texting for her to just let me know she’s safe. Went on the app where we met and saw was active just 6 hours later. To think, I genuinely believed she was in trouble. I woke up to this message: Sorry. I was so confused. Upset but relieved. Went to work - wanting to call her but thought, should I keep this up? Then I started thinking of someone else got her phone. Panic mode again. So I gave in and tried to call again. Before anyone accuses me of being a stalker hear me out: She’s on a solo trip in Europe and we normally speak 2-3 times a day, being in a long distance relationship. She finally called after I left her a desperate message to just confirm her safety. So I asked if something happened. NO was the answer. And she brought up our last conversation , the one I cut short. If I was still pissed about that. I didn’t have the chance to answer when she had to hang up to look for a bus. Said to call back. I was still at work so I ended up just texting her. Asking if she had a valid reason for disappearing. She said she didn’t want to feel anything negative. Ie, she deliberately ignored all my calls and messages. Asked her why she couldn’t just tell me she needed space so I didn’t have to worry. She said she apologised. The only word she replied that morning. I told her I didn’t deserve all this. She said “again, sorry. If you think I’m a bad person, it’s ok.” So I told her I couldn’t believe she chose to put me through all that. Told her I wish her all the best. At this point my heart was already in pieces. She replied Alright, bye. Blocked me on that app, the other app, FB. I had to control my tears to finish work. When I got home, I decided it was finally over, and to counter block her on all apps for the first time. We were 16 months into our relationship. I’m quite sure this is the final nail in the coffin. I needed to cry so hard for the past 48 hours but had to control myself to look presentable at work. We loved each other so much. But no normal person would put their loved one thru what she did to me this time. Why? What happened? What should I do now? I know it is over, but really, why? Sorry, just needed to let that out.
Hey I am sorry you have been through that. Long distance relationships are really tough especially when the distance is so great and circumstances are different. It sounds to me you tried your best and nobody can ask anymore. Right now it is really raw and you have every right to be upset etc but it will get better in time.
Hi there, sorry to read that this happened to you. It is good that you have decided to write out your feelings and disappointment. Distance relationships are never easy, they require a lot of work, patience and perhaps a deeper sense of trust as well. From what you have described and even though you had some good times, it seems that the times where you fought and argued overshadowed parts of the relationship. Sometimes, things happen for a reason, and while we might not understand it when it happens, eventually it will make sense. With distance and perhaps further reflection sometimes down the road, you will come to understand the relationship better and gain insights into yourself and others that will allow you to form better, stronger relationships. For now, it is okay to grieve, shed a few tears and punch the pillows. It might help to remove everything that reminds you of her, or that she has given you out of sight, so that you can start moving on slowly. (*hug*)
I’m sorry you’ve been through this mess. Despite the good times, it sounds like the dynamic of the relationship was not very healthy, with you taking the blame or trying to keep her happy at the expense of your needs, until it finally became too much. It’s easy to forget yourself when you want someone very much and want to keep them happy and stay together. But while this might work for a while, it can’t work forever, because the other side’s demands will increase, and you’d have to accommodate more and more egregious behaviors, or, if you’re with the “right” person for that, it could become abusive. (That’s what happened to me. I thought I was such a horrible person that I should be grateful to be in a relationship with anyone, even if he treats me like shit). Take all the time you need to grieve. And once you’re done, or before... try to figure out what you can learn from this, and how to apply these lessons in the future. I would especially focus on expressing your needs, thoughts, and feelings, and being more authentic and true to yourself. That would also help you attract and keep someone healthier and with better prospects for a lasting relationship. Take care.
Thank you, guys. Appreciate the advice and Read everything and they made a lot of sense. Missing her comes in droves but I kept myself occupied as much as possible.
Something went wrong and half my post is gone. Received a message from her telling she’s sorry and she’s missing me. Yet to respond. The heart wants to but the better half of me says No.
In situations like this, it is good to follow your instincts as it were. From what you have indicated so far, I can see why a part of you wants to say no. When you think about everything, what's your first thought?
I was actually in the shopping mall getting a replacement wallet (old one was a gift from her) when the message came in. Then I received her email - seemingly trying to justify her actions while profusely apologising at the same time. I was kinda shocked at first. Part of me was kinda relieved but I knew this could also mean “here we go again”. Anyway, I was weak and we reconnected. However I did cancel my planned trip to her home country next month even if the tickets were burnt. Told her I was already moving on. Now she’s considering continuing her travels til October. I told her to do whatever she wants.
It sounds like you made a decision with which you feel comfortable and works for you. I don't think reconnecting is a weakness as such. It seems it has allowed you to look more into how you feel about the situation and understand what would be best for you. In some respects, you have gained new insights that will allow you to create a better (perhaps stronger) relationship with another person.
I’m feeling calm now, thanks silverhalo. Guess the status now is kinda hanging. We’re still in touch but made no commitment for near future. Maybe taking it casual is not too bad, given the distance. Thanks again to all who responded to this post. You guys are the best.
Calm is good. Take it a step at a time and you will figure out what is best. Glad you are feeling better.
Made the mistake of getting back together with her - actually rescheduled my holidays to meet her 8k km away next month. Was kinda hesitant to book the flight tickets because they cost of bomb and to be honest, I felt insecure given our history. Finally purchased them last Tuesday morning - had a huge fight Wednesday evening and now I’m much poorer and single. Lol . What a joke. Called the booking agent - I can get back about 2/3 of my money. Better than nothing I guess. What was the fight about? I made the mistake of asking her why she didn’t call me the night before when she was obviously available. When she replied with sarcastic answers I pushed a little and she exploded. Told me I’m pathetic, I’m f****** up and trying to ruin everyone around me, that she has had enough with me creating problems for her. First time in my entire time with her I told her to take a hike (vulgar edition) and blocked her first (to avoid further abuse). Sent her a breakup email the next day. Told her to never contact me again. It’s rather juvenile. But this is the person I got involved with. And I paid the price. Now it’s so clear what needed to be done - although it took me this long.
I am sorry to hear this. In general this is how many relationships work, after they end you feel like you had the best, and yet the worst time of your life. If may say state my opinion: I think because your first love came so late in life, you feel a special attachment to her, despite her terrible behavior. You should let time heal all wounds. She is def. a bag of problems (I can see you now justifying her and coming up with examples of when she was good with you). The long-distance aspect doesn't help either. So I think you should try to put this behind you, as difficult as it may seem. Try finding women in your country, she is not worth the trouble... Enjoy life, and don't romanticize her abuse! Ever!
So true. Took me so long to find her that I’m now resigned to staying single for the rest of my life. Guess that’s better than loving the wrong person and going thru emotional hell again.
I'm sorry you went through that but hopefully this time you are at least certain in your decision and know it's for the best. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now but it will get easier.
Thank you. I know this is for the best and so far I haven’t really have any urges to call or text her. Although I feel disgusted with myself for wishing she’d actually contact me to make this right.
Hi, if at all possible, and it is easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. While you lost some money and experienced a response you likely weren't expecting, it is a learning experience and that in itself is valuable - more than the cost of the ticket that you lost. To learn, and to recognise the signs and red flags as it were, we sometimes have to try out things and follow what our heart wants us to do even though we see the signs of things possibly not working out already. Take some time for yourself and try to leave the experience behind you as best as you can. When you feel ready, try building a relationship anew and see where it takes you.
