Hi all, first time posting and hoping some kind folk can offer me some guidance/advice at what I am finding a very traumatic time. I am a 41 year old man, in a long term heterosexual relationship, with two children. I love my partner very much, and we have mostly had a happy relationship, although we have also had struggles too, and you may consider that an understatement with my following paragraph. Historically, sadly, I have had addiction issues with pornography, webcams and escorts all of which have been heterosexual, and I am currently in therapy as a result of this. Along with working through this I am coming to terms with an unhappy childhood living with an alcoholic parent. I have not been diagnosed with anything as yet, however I am now becoming aware that I have spend most of my life riddled with anxiety. I have also had periods of habitually using marijuana. Although I have not done so for many years. When I was a child and teenager I had a handful of experiences that I would like to share with you, as these are my reasons for being here today. Firstly, around the age of 9, I had a friend (now gay, I think), who I used to fool around with. This involved kissing, and I think on one occasion involved us getting naked together and lying on top of one another, no sex acts were performed. I’m not sure how long this ‘relationship’ lasted for, it may have been for some days over the course of some weeks, and I don’t remember why it stopped either. I had another experience, around the same age, when I was playing with a boy, while our fathers played football, and we were told to hang out. I’d not met this kid before. We had been playing for a while, just regular kids stuff, and then he showed me his Rambo book. Which I think was a picture book of one of the films. He was going through it explaining the story and showed me a photo of Sylvester Stallone (Rambo) tied to a helicopter, with his top off. My memory is that he asked me ‘what I thought about the picture’, to which I replied I thought it was ‘nice’. I guess there was obviously some kind of attraction to the image. He reacted by calling me weird and essentially shamed me for what I said. I was deeply embarrassed and was terrified he would tell my Dad what I said. Lastly, at the age of around 14/15 my best friend was sleeping over at my house. We were going through our copies of FHM and looking at photos of semi-naked women, fantasising/wondering what it would be like to have sex with them. We did this sort of thing quite a lot. In this fairly hyped up state we agreed to perform oral sex on each other, so we could see what it felt like. My gut feeling is I initiated the idea, but I can’t really remember. I’m certain I didn’t have a crush on him or find him attractive (unless I am repressing!?), I guess we just trusted each other. I came and felt very weird about the whole thing straightaway. We never spoke about it again. Aside from the above, in my childhood/adolescence I had crushes on girls in my class etc. And further into my teenage years had girlfriends with both good and bad sex. As an adult my attraction to women feels very strong. Post my experience with my best friend at the time, I’m not aware of ever having a crush on a boy/man or had a conscious fantasy about having sex with or being in a relationship with a man. No dreams, no watching gay porn, or a conscious desire to do so. However, I feel a lot of shame around these experiences and I go through periods of doubting my sexuality, in terms of these things having happening and what that says about me. I have felt anxious about whether people might consider me gay in the past, and have had that nagging intrusive thought of “what if I’m gay”. Whenever this happens it’s extremely painful for me and I struggle with any kind of perspective. Right now I am in my worst ever bout worrying that I am in fact a repressed homosexual and I don’t know what to do. I have been testing myself by looking at porn (although I've read on this forum it's not any kind of measure). And have been obsessively researching every possible avenue as to what might be going on in my brain. Maybe I'm OCD, maybe it's nothing, maybe I'm bi, maybe I'm full on repressed gay. It's an awful turmoil. Any thoughts would really be much appreciated.
Hi @advicepls, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this. You say that you’re currently in therapy. How would you feel about bringing this up in therapy? If you don’t feel comfortable saying it out loud then you could send an email or taking a letter to your next session (if you’re meeting in person still). How does that sound?
Thanks LostInDayDreams, I really appreciate your reply. Yes, it's absolutely something I need to take to my therapist, and I intend to next week. I have skirted around it with her previously, but now with this crisis it's clear it has to be looked at further. These feelings have just come at a really bad point as my therapist is unavailable for a couple of weeks, so I am left stewing in my thoughts, constantly agonising. Feeling like everything is falling apart. It's a horrible feeling. I'm wildly swinging between thinking I must really be 100% gay to feeling quite relaxed at that I'm likely 100% straight and I'm overthinking. I think I easily get fixated on stuff like this.
It’s great that you intend to talk to you therapist about this. My breaks in therapy have often come at bad times too, so I understand a little of what you’re feeling. I find that it helps to write down what I want to say to my therapist (in the form of an email or bullet point notes). It seems stop my mind going around in circles. If that doesn’t work for you, try to keep yourself busy otherwise.
Thanks again for your advice, I have started to make some notes, although slightly chaotically, so need to try and consolidate. Any other thoughts from you or other would be very welcome.
advicepls.....I agree with @LostInDaydreams about writing your thoughts down. This can be a very powerful tool to help when working with your therapist. I have done this when working with my therapist, especially when we first met and I was still unsure about him. When you write things down you will have the chance to go over them and "clean up" what you've written to be sure that you have made what you're trying to say very clear. You can be sure to include what is important. It also helps a lot when you have things that will be difficult to say in person. Sometimes putting them in writing for your therapist can be a lot easier than saying them! Believe me...I know! For quite a while, I wrote down the most difficult things, things that were just so hard to say. After a few months I became comfortable enough with him that I was able to begin sharing the really tough things out loud with him...but it took a while! Anyway, I thought I'd share what happened to me...I hope it can help you! .....David
Thanks for your advice David, much appreciated. I'm freaking this afternoon, and I tested myself by trying to have a same sex fantasy, which I managed. Feel like this can only mean one thing, and terrified that I might be a closet homosexual.
As you know pornography a. 'escalates' people who are badly addicted find themselves watching things they never would have dreamed of watching. And remember the makers of it are masters at pushing your buttons and tapping into desires- taboo breaking, etc. b. is not a good indicator of sexuality. I don't think this is uncommon for younger kids "playing doctor' etc. If you're worrying and suffering from 'ocd like' symptoms then you should know no amount of testing is going to 'solve' it for you its just going to make you want to test again. I am gay. I honestly can't think of any 'test' like that that would help anymore than any 'test' 'proves' someone is your friend or loves you. I am very happy to be gay though it took a long time to accept it.... If I did the sort of testing people here do I would still be confused! Even if you don't have clinical ocd you may want to look at some techniques they use to deal with panic thoughts like that.
Here is another way to think about it: I am gay. In the past I had girlfriends, sex with women- do you think any of those experiences make me 'straight'? If I had sex with a woman now would that make me not gay? You experimented in adolescence which is very common, it doesn't define your sexuality. Also think about the 'spectrum' idea- not many people are 100% 'gay' or 'straight'.
