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In need of help! Seeing others in love makes me feel bad

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Vega222, Feb 19, 2022.

  1. Vega222

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    I thank anyone for making time and reading this.

    I am a 31yo guy and I've never had a girlfriend. I had some minor affairs with guys but none was a boyfriend. I don't know if there is a word in English for what I'm gonna describe, but in Persian we do have a word that describes my feelings.

    The word means you have had some desires/needs in the past and they weren't fulfilled (you may have oppressed them yourself or not), and now you're sad and you wish you could've/would've done something for those desires. It could make you envious or even angry when you see other younger people seem to do those things.

    Is it clear enough? So, this is me when I see other boys have girlfriend (and probably vice versa). I wish I could've/would've experience it. Having a girlfriend and possibly make love with them. But I never did it. And you probably wanna say: do it now! But I wanted to do it sooner when I was younger. I've lost many of those feelings and playfulness I used to have!

    I simply feel I lost something. Like I am suddenly jumped from childhood to maturity. It feels empty.
     
  2. Vega222

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    Anyway, I am here for practical advice on the feeling I have towards other people in romantic relationship. As an example, I have a 21yo Internet friend who always talk about his personal matters. That includes talking about his gf (which is also my acquaintance). I am actually happy he trusts me so much (and I know he has a high opinion on me. And I am grateful for it as well). But seeing he's in love makes me feel bad. I feel envious that I would not have a girlfriend when I was younger.

    I also feel bad because I like him (not sexually) and now I feel I own a less share of his friendship.

    This is a mess. I don't know what to do with it. I am very open with my friend. I honestly told him I have these strong feelings which I described in first post, multiple times. But he seems to be careless. He innocently keeps telling me about his affairs, his feelings, etc. As if I am a very experienced person on these matters. I don't wanna bluntly ask him to stop this. But it really makes me feel bad to hear them.

    I feel I am a bad person. I don't wanna feel sad/angry when I see others are in love, much less my friends! I want to cherish them willingly and be happy with them. I wasn't like that 5 years before. And it has become better, comparing to 2 years ago or so. But it still makes me suffer much.

    PS We both have some attraction towards the same gender. He has lots of problems with his life and I spent a lot of time trying to help him (not that I did much, just saying I have been making time for him). And he probably likes and trusts me much. I don't feel comfortable with my feelings towards guys and he knows it.
     
  3. chicodeoro

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    Hi Vega222! What you're describing is perfectly normal - I bet all of us on EC have at some point in our lives felt it. I know I have!

    So there are two things here, I guess. One - how do you stop feeling envious of your friend? And two, how do you find some sort of romantic relationship? They're linked, of course. Once you succeed in Number Two, you will soon stop feeling envious of your friend's relationship..

    I'd be lying if I said I knew much about the dating scene in Iran, so I'm not sure I can give much practical advice. However, having had several long relationship droughts in my life (up to seven years) what has hastened the end of those droughts has been sorting the rest of my life out. Concentrating on work, or enjoying the company of friends or living a culturally rich life have all compensated for the lack of love. Usually I've ended up being so busy either I forget about love. Or, in the eyes of potential partners, I end up seeming more interesting (and thus more of a potential catch!) There's a paradox here, I guess. If you want something really badly, sometimes not going all-out to get it will make it more likely to happen.

    So yes, work on happiness in other areas of your life and - in my experience, anyway - things usually start falling into place.

    I hope this helps.

    Beth
     
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  4. Vega222

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    @chicodeoro Thank you for the reply.

    I have been focusing on my career as a software developer in a way everybody notices it. Actually, when I talked to my friend and said it feels bad that I've not had a girlfriend, he said you yourself don't want to have one. He was wrong, because I would want it for many years. But he does knows I am focusing on my work and deliberately stay away from dating recently.

    Although, it's only true for this 1-2 recent years. Before that I wanted to be with someone badly for years. I still want it. But I decided my first and only priority is my career for some time.

    When I sort out things on my career, which is being done, I guess having a partner won't be something very hard. But I wanted to ease it while I can't have one. (Still, not sure the root of the problem is being alone and not sure it'll be solved by having a partner)

    I don't think it's normal in a way I can accept. It really pains me so much when I see they express their love to each other. Even if many people are like that, still it's not something I can accept for myself.
     
    #4 Vega222, Feb 19, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2022
  5. silverhalo

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    For me I think the first thing you have to try and work on is your regret about what you didn’t do in the past. I totally understand why you feel like that. When I first came out I had the same feeling about not having come out sooner. The problem with these feelings is they are just destructive. They eat away inside you and cause such negativity that you can’t be positive in current and future situations. It’s hard not to have regrets when you look back but you can’t change the past, only learn from it and whatever your thoughts on what you now think you should have done you can’t go back and change it. Also at the time it was what you thought was the right thing to do.
    If you could let go of the negativity is there anything else stopping you getting a relationship?
     
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  6. Vega222

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    Hi, @silverhalo
    I agree. I think I need to work on my feels of regret instead of seeking a relationship as a cure for it. Because I think a relationship can't solve it properly. Not that it doesn't help, but I need to change my perspective, stop regretting, etc.

    Of course. Good to reminding me of that. But I wish the situation were different.

    I don't know what negativity you're referring to. If you mean those feelings of regret, they don't stop me from being in a relationship. I simply don't have the time for it. I started my career so late (2 years ago) and I need to be a good software developer asap. When I reach to that position, I will be able to follow my interests (including dating or at least be open to any upcoming chances), as I need less time for work and I get more money. The biggest problem is I'm not used to having a partner. It's totally different when you have a partner. I simply feel lazy to live like that and I don't know many things on this matter. I also live with my family and I need to spend energy and time managing it with them. They might be against it and it'll be not a trivial problem.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    I think you are doing the right thing by talking about it.
    The negativity is just regarding the feelings when you see other people in relationships and the feelings of regret you have about what happened in the past. It’s ok to wish things were different but I think when it becomes such a massive part of what’s on your mind then it has a negative impact on you.
     
  8. BiGemini87

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    Do you mean unfulfilled desires? That seems to be what you're describing.

    I think a lot of us here (especially those who came out later in life) can understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately, the past is over and done; all you can do is do your best to make peace with it, and if possible, seek out these experiences if, when and where you can while you can. Being in your thirties needn't be the end of life as you know it--it can be a new opportunity. You're still young enough to seek out the types of relationships you desire. :slight_smile:

    That being said, maybe what you need right now is to let yourself grieve over the path not taken. Sometimes the best way to overcome something is to let yourself feel--and above all, express--that sorrow.

    As to your second post, it's perfectly natural to feel some ambivalence regarding your friend and his trust in telling you about his relationships and experiences. On one hand, you appreciate his trust in you, but it's taxing because you're still dealing with your own grief and jealousy regarding not having those relationships. If you need to set some boundaries regarding how much and how often he talks to you about these issues, that's okay; there's nothing to feel bad about. As he's been open with you, maybe this is an opportunity for you to do the same with him. Let yourself be vulnerable and honest about how you feel; your insecurities and uncertainties, fears, etc.
     
    #8 BiGemini87, Feb 20, 2022
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2022
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  9. Vega222

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    The problem is I feel I lost those desires and playfulness. I feel I am old. I feel I want family and children. I don't know if "unfulfilled desires" means it never can be fulfilled? If so, then it's close to what I was referring to.

    I don't like whingeing. But I don't think accepting the past is right! It feels like lying to myself! I have unfulfilled desires and I don't wanna make it seem fine. It's not fine. Forgetting/hiding/accepting it, is not right in my opinion. Even though it hurts me. I'd prefer to be honest with myself and feel very sad, than accept/forget it and be happy!

    It was/is so difficult to express these feelings. Deeply embarrassing. Not sure if it makes it better or worse. Sometimes expressing your sorrows could make it worse.
     
  10. Vega222

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    There was another friend who also is my Internet close friend. She also had difficult times after divorcing. After years, when she decided to have a boyfriend, it was so upsetting for me. Her boyfriend was also our mutual friend. At first I was so happy for them, but after a while it became like a nightmare for me. In a way I had no choice but to tell her I feel bad/jealous when I see you're in love with each other. It eventually became unbearable even to talk to her, so I decided to not talk to her for a while. But she didn't want it and would talk to me herself.

    Then I became so desperate that decided to tell her I want to be alone for a while. Even though she wouldn't talk about his boyfriend anymore much. I guess at a point, she got that I don't feel good hearing from her relationship much (not sure if she thinks my feelings is fine or she thinks I am being irrational). She did tell me they're gonna marry, which is good of her. But she doesn't talk about their relationship much. Anyway, that's what happened. I still don't feel so good talking to her, but I do it once in a while. She has had lots of boyfriends since she was very young and it really feels bad when I think about it!

    It was a brief version of the story. It was much worse than any other similar experience I've had. It made a huge change in my life and my way of thinking to the life and friendship.
     
  11. silverhalo

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    Accepting the past doesn't mean you are hiding what happened or being dishonest, it is just something that you cannot change. You have unfulfilled desires and currently sure you are working on your career but once that is at a point where it doesn't take up all of your time then there surely you could follow your desires?