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In Need of Clarification

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by m3m3qu33n, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. m3m3qu33n

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    Hello all!

    A few years ago, I figured out that I was indeed bisexual. Since then, I have been open about my sexuality with close friends and family. I have feelings for men, women, and potentially anyone else who doesn't fit into the gender binary. However, when I dated a woman, I didn't think I would continue to date any other gender and I was undeniably homosexual. However, I went on to date a man, who I thought I was madly in love with.

    That is why I am unsure. I have dated two men for a decent amount of time (five months or longer) and while I was with them, I either developed feelings for a girl or I had a desire to be with a woman while I was dating them. I feel bad about it, but I (thankfully!) never acted on them. For the most part, it took about two weeks or so to get over them almost completely, whereas it took me almost three months to get over a two month relationship with a woman.

    I do feel like I relate to lesbians more than straight women and even bisexual women. This could be because when I was younger, I had believed for that I was, indeed, a lesbian, which my parents did not believe, which hurt me deeply. I researched somewhat extensively about lesbianism and lesbian culture, and watched lesbian women and couples. I was enamored and intrigued.

    I was scared to come out as a lesbian, as I wasn't sure if I truly did not want to date men or if I simply had a preference. This fear is validated based solely on the fact that I do not "miss men" when I date women, but when I date a man, I "miss women". (To keep this from becoming a novel, I used simple , albeit somewhat politically incorrect terms to describe my feelings of desiring a relationship with women.)

    When I date men, I take on a "traditional straight girl persona", where I act more "feminine" than I really am and completely ignore the lesbian channels I love, which is not at all an accurate representation of who I am or want to be. Honestly, I just shoved the part of me that loves women into a dark corner of my mind and tried my best to pretend it didn't exist, which fails every time. Now that I am no longer dating a man, I am now no longer wishing to be intimate with a man. I tend to date men purely out of convenience. Though, the physical feelings I have for men come from a place of appreciating their aesthetic but will not necessarily wanting any intimate relationship until an emotional bond has formed. I find that I am not, in the slightest, attracted to traditionally masculine men and prefer more effeminate men, seemingly if at all. I ended up unhappy with the men I dated for a longer period of time, partly due to mistreatment and neglect and partly due to my unattended to desires.

    Overall, I fear that my feelings for men come from a confused state of loneliness and fear of not conforming to the hetero-normative status quo. My feelings for trans* individuals are similar to my feelings for cis men, though I have only ever dated cis men and women.

    I am currently actively wanting a girlfriend, and while this is not the first time this has happened, finding a girlfriend is much more difficult and takes much longer than finding any other partner, it seems. Since I tend to be impatient, this has not proven to be a recipe for success.

    My question, in short is: do I sound like a confused bisexual woman with a preference for females, or do I sound more like a confused lesbian? I would greatly appreciate anyone with any experience with this if they took time out of their day to help me figure this out.
    Any help would be greatly appreciated! :blush:
     
  2. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Whether you're lesbian or bi, it doesn't sounds like relationships with men are working out for you and you'd be much happier with a woman. You could see a counselor and address any relationship issues to see if you could improve or understand your relationships with men.
     
  3. m3m3qu33n

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    Thank you! I appreciate your perspective.

    I am trying to seek help (especially for other things), and I am, for the time being, letting myself reflect on everything.
     
  4. Cinnamon Bunny

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    You're welcome :slight_smile: It's not easy being unsure about our sexuality, I'm still unsure about mine. Sometimes we have to go with our best judgment and see what happens. I hope you find the help you need ♡
     
  5. Love4Ever

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    Hello! I can't believe I missed your thread until now because I've been dealing with a similiar problem. The difference between me and you is that I have never dated either sex. However, I am at a point where men aren't appealing to me as partners right now. I'm only into dating women. But I, (and you) are still bi because we are attracted to men. I still get turned on by men, and that to me is what separates you and me as bisexuals, from lesbians.
     
  6. Peterpangirl

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    I think you could be either bi-leaning gay or lesbian. Sounds like on the whole you are more attracted to women and find it easier to have a full, intimate connection. You might be happier with a woman...
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. This is a bit of a million dollar question right. Nobody here can tell you for sure what you are but I'm sure we can help you figure it out.

    As I read through your post I started wondering whether the problem with your straight relationships is that when you are in them you feel you have to be and act a certain way and so you you just try and act the part. Whereas in a same sex relationship you feel freer and unbound by the stereotypes and tradition. However the further down I read the more it sounded as though really if I lined up a group of potential female suitors and a group of male suitors you would pick a girl every time but sometimes end up with a guy because they are easier to come by and your natural desire for closeness and affection plus the thrill of someone being into you means that to begin with the relationship seems fine but the as the shine begins to wear you seem a little unfulfilled.

    It could just be the way you have written your post though.