In love with religious friend HELP :(

Well I have this friend that is very religious, he is a christian. We are both guys, but I’ve never considered myself gay, bi, straight or anything.

The thing is that I’ve never really have had or gotten any feelings for anyone, but this friend have really lit up something inside me. And it has gotten way out of hand, so really hopes someone would read through all this and give me some advice or thoughts to ease this pain.

Well, we started being friends a few years ago, and I never thought of myself being gay, or him being my type at all. He is kind of fat, and very averange, so there was no reason to fall for him. But we got really close (as friends) very fast. We were together almost everyday or held contact by texting each other. Our friendship got kind of intense to the point were I kind of got addicted to him, always needing to have him around. At this time I started to notice that he had gotten very comfortable around me, always finding excuses to touch me or invade my personal space, and I let him. He would also defend me and compliment me for the silliest things and become almost protective to me, and of course did I like this attention.

Of course he got too comfortable around me, to the point were he would start to touch or feel me up in inappropriate ways, and still I didn’t stop him. This resulting in him breaking our friendship and him ghosting me for a very long time, for over 2 years.

At this point I did not have feelings for him, or at least not aware that I did have feeling for him. The struggle started when we begun talking again and slowly started to build up our friendship again after 2 years of absence. He didn’t want to talk about why he had ghosted me for such a long time, only saying it was personal and too hard for him to talk about. He also told me that he didn’t want to get too close friends again, but not why.

Well I don’t know if the reason for him not wanting to be close friends again was because he was afraid of the way we got too close and «sexual» around each other the last time, but we didn’t manage to keep our friendship at a minimum.

Our friendship was kind of awkward and distant in the start, but after a few months we become just as close friends as we were before, even thought he have said he didn’t want that.

My problem now is that I am much more aware of both his and my actions when we are around each other, and I can’t help to not notice that there is something between us that’s not usual between two male friends.

If I end up sitting too close to him, leaning my knee on his he won’t move away. I’ve also ended up footsie with him.

He have also started again to find excuses to touch me. He would either block the way for me so I have to push or move him to get past him. He also have made several excuses to fiddle with my belly. He have touched my face several times, excuses by that he won’t to check how my beard feels.

He would also let me lock eyes with him, and not breaking contact, this does not happen very often, but I’ve notice that when we do this that his pupils dilates alot.

The last thing is more normal, but still. He seems to enjoy teasing me, or mocking me, not in a mean way, but in a humorous way, smiling at me to try to make me laugh. He can use silly voices, and either talk to me like I was a child or act like he is a child.
We have our moments were we both can act and behave very childish around each other. And he seems to always either laugh at my jokes or try to make me laugh.

So here is my problem, after we got friends again we become kind of intense again, and I am now sure that I’ve somewhere down the line have faller very hard for him.

I don’t know if I consider myself gay or bi, all I know is that I love this guy in every single way. He has his flaws, and he still can act hot and cold with me at times, like he is afraid of our friendship getting out of control.
And I do not blame him, since I am afraid as well to fuck up our great friendship a second time.

I am closed gay, and am too afraid to admit I am gay or like him, because I know he is very religious and I am afraid of scaring him away and lose him a second time.

We have both been raised in families were we have grown up to learn that homosexuality is wrong and sinful, and this makes it much harder to come out, and I think that he is my only reason to come out if I ever do. I am afraid too of coming out, if I am gay, because of family, but I knew I would have burn every bridges to be with him, but afraid that he won’t do the same. So I am kind of a struggle, were I wonder if he is gay too, and if he are; is he afraid of coming out because of his faith, or because he do not know what I would do or feel if he did come out.

It feels hopeless at times, because I think he feel that there is something too between us. But he is too afraid or scared to do something about it.... What should I do?

I am so tired of this, I can’t get my mind off him. And the way we are around each other makes it even harder to live with

Sometimes I wonder how everything would have been if we weren’t raised to believe that homosexuality were wrong

 

My problem is that there is no point for me to come out as anything unless I get him with me...

 

Well the bibel says that love conquers all, so for me I don’t see anything wrong with loving him more than just a friend.

But my problem is that I do not look at myself as gay, because he is the only one I am and have been in love with. So I only feel I give myself more problems for no reasons if I come out and burn bridges if he won’t come out too. There is no point in for me in coming out if he won’t....

We already spent much time, almost every weekend. And we have gotten more intense in the last months.

I would have feel uncomfortable if anyone else had acted the way he do around me. Only reason I let it happen is because I like him and want him to be like that too me. And as far as I’ve notice he does not act like this with others, or at least not that intense...

I have to take it slow. He is a complicated guy, because he have told me he didn’t like being too close, even though he show and do the completely oppsite. So I feel he give very mixed signals like when you’re in denial....

I remember he was quiet an homophobic when we were friends before, but he havn’t showed any signs of having this hatred towards gays after we got friends again, so no idea were he stands right now, not sure if he know for himself for that matter....

 

Thanks, well I might be gay, or bi, but I know for sure I am not straight, because then I wouldn’t have so strong feeling for him.

I think it started with his personality and his affection towards me, I just felt safe and relaxed around him, I could just be me. And now I know it has developed to something more, now I have this lust towards him. This is kind of embarrassing to say, but the way we comfortable around each other and the ways he tried to touch me or get close to me give me a hard time (even thought I like it). Because I really have to be carefull around him to not get aroused

I think some part of me always have had feeling for him, but that I didn’t understand it back then. But what bugs me is, after all those years, over 2 years with him ghosting me I would have thought the temakonferanse and feelings between us would have disappeared, but they havn’t. I am still love him more than ever.

And some part of me believe he might avoided me for all those years to kill the feelings between us, but that obviously didn’t work.

And I feel so lost, because if he isn’t gay r bi, why did he want to get back in in this friendship.....

 

If I ever will come out it will be to him. But I am afraid because our friendship got pretty broken last time because we got too close.

And even thought it hurt to keep my feelings to myself it would hurt even more to lose him as a friend again.

 

Hihi, thanks

Well I wish I could just let go of it, but I find that hard because of the way he treat me.

And as a christian I’ve many times asked for why we become friends again if the feelings between us were wrong. So I kind of think God had a reason to bring him back into my life, and to be honest I don’t think I every will find anyone else I would be with for the rest of my life without it being or feeling wrong.

I might be happy with somebody else, but then again it will still feel wrong because of him. Love is hard to describe, but if I had to describe it to someone I would have describe my friendship with this guy.

You can never be 100% sure, but I am very close to believe that this could have been something more by now if it weren’t for our religion.