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In "Love" With My Therapist

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bluesunlight, Aug 11, 2017.

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  1. bluesunlight

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    Jeez, get off your high horse. I'm not after his "dick", and it's not about mine either. I'm emotionally attracted to him, and there are few men like him out there. Most are jerks or completely unable to have stable lasting relationships. You can see while I'd be drawn to wanting something more with him. I'm 26 and not mentally impaired, and if we start anything, it will be entirely of our own volition and it will be nobody's business but our own. I'm not evil for wanting a relationship with my therapist.
     
    #21 bluesunlight, Aug 13, 2017 at 5:05 AM
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017 at 5:07 AM
  2. Chip

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    Well, since you're framing it that way, one could argue that you are evil because you don't give a shit about anyone besides yourself, and are willing to fuck up his life, career, and marriage for your own selfish interests.

    The truth is, you're feeling the transference that every client who has a good therapy relationship feels. That's what it is. Nothing more. And your statement that "there are few men like him out there" is pretty much proof of that. Oh and I didn't even cover the fact that if you were somehow able to talk him into violating his ethical obligations and putting his entire career and license at risk simply on the unbelievably stupid premise that he should date a client... what about his wife? Apparently you also don't give a fuck about being a homewrecker, and ruining her life either. The level of self-centeredness here is pretty much off the scale. And the karma of that will absolutely come back to bite you in the ass some day. Oh well... sometimes that's the only way people learn.

    I suppose it is possible (and one can hope) that your transference is unusually strong, and you are seeing absolutely everything through rose-colored glasses, and everything you think you've experienced is a projection of your unconscious and conscious desires, and none of it is really coming from him. In which case, he'll take care of it as soon as you bring it up. But if the quotes and behaviors you've described are accurate... then because of his ineptitude and terrible boundaries , your therapist, even if he rejects your advances, has already done the damage, which is probably irreparable, to your therapeutic relationship.

    You, however, are completely blind to this (as is almost every client for whom transference is happening), which is why it's his job to identify it and deal with it. Unfortunately, the poor boundaries and general therapeutic ineptitude he's displayed so far make it unlikely that he will be able to deal with it, and even if he attempts to do so, he is probably not experienced enough to realize how deep a hole he has dug himself. One can hope that he has a therapist he sees for supervision, otherwise he may end up making matters worse for both of you even if he tries to dig himself out of the mess he's created.

    As I said in the previous post, hopefully your therapist has the common sense to shoot this down as soon as you suggest it. It is NOT "nobody's business but your own". It is the business of the licensing board in the state where he's licensed. It is the business of the schools who teach ethics and boundaries to their students, to do their best to ensure that shit like this doesn't happen. It is the business of every certified or licensed mental health and human services professional in the country, who strive to uphold a standard of professionalism designed to protect hardheaded, ignorant people like you from themselves, and from crappy therapists like yours that have terrible boundaries. And at the end of the day, all of that responsibility rests on whether or not your therapist has a shred of professionalism and ethics to make the right choice... or on the ethics board -- that WILL find out eventually, if he's dumb enough to do this -- to make the right decision.

    Do what you want. Hopefully he can handle your self-centered desire to destroy his career and marriage. If not... karma will adjust.
     
    #22 Chip, Aug 13, 2017 at 6:32 AM
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017 at 6:40 AM
  3. bluesunlight

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    Well, nothing has even happened, so it's pretty judgmental of you to be labeling people as evil and self-centered. If he is closeted, it's better that his wife finds out sooner rather than later and she can move on. It's not like that's a rare occurrence.
     
  4. Chip

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    That was your term, not mine.

    Someone who clearly expresses willingness to break up a marriage, and put someone's career at risk solely for his own gratification... it's realistically hard to find any other word appropriate for that other than "selfish." Maybe "egocentric" or "narcissistic."

    So that's your justification for breaking up a marriage? Wow, you're just reinforcing my points further with every post.
     
    #24 Chip, Aug 13, 2017 at 10:16 AM
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017 at 10:16 AM
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  5. C281990

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    I believe you are making a lot of assumptions here on what you therapists feels and maybe you should just speak openly to your therapist as you might be experiencing transference even if you are saying you dont
     
  6. Lastdayboy

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    I agree wirh everything that Chip says.

    But I think you should really tell your therapist everything that's going on in your mind right now. That is kind of what the point is to have therapy. If you are 100% right about everything then yes he would throw away his entire career, f*ck up his family situation, and go to DATE you. This entire thing is about a nice date, so please tell everything to him, but remind:

    You are saying that he would throw away basicly his entire life and everything he had accomplished for a first date.

    Just saying, that would be a LOT of pressure on a first date.


    No matter who is right in this situation, you should talk about this with your therapist.
     
  7. DayByDay

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    I couldn't agree with Chip more. This whole situation is beyond messed up. A therapist is there to be your therapist, not your partner, not even your friend. Anything more than that is completely unethical and needs to be stopped.
     
  8. Creativemind

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    Whoa there, you don't even know this guy. You've had him for a few sessions. It's not love, and certainly not the only man in the world who you have a chance of being with. You have NO clue if this guy is closeted, and it honestly doesn't matter because it isn't your business. I don't understand why gay men always think men they're attracted to are gay themselves? What if you had a female patient that was attracted to you...a lot of gay men fake flirt with women, so she might think you were lying about being gay and only doing it for attention...and that you secretly love her and want to be with her. That's what projecting and transference is and this is a huge example of it here.

    You need to let this go.
     
  9. Calf

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    There isn't really much more to be said on this thread (and to be honest it's getting a bit too heated) but I thought I'd offer my perspective. I am currently studying to become a counsellor and even on my limited experience, I honestly can't believe that your therapist is acting so unprofessionally.

    Perhaps the two of you are madly in love, in which case you won't care what I have to say, but I would strongly urge you to do the following.
    -Check your initial contract, communications etc to identify who he is registered with as a therapist
    -Visit their website (or contact them) to view their ethical framework
    -Compare your therapists actions to this code of ethics

    You will probably identify some key words in there about honesty, trust, integrity etc and have to ask yourself, if this guy cannot offer these qualities to himself, his clients or his wife, why would you be the exception as his lover?

    If you're determined to do this, then you probably will and if that's the case there is a strong case you will be in need of some support or guidance in the future too. I hope that if/when that time comes you will feel comfortable coming back to this forum. I promise, you won't get any 'I told you so' from me.

    All the best either way
     
  10. bluesunlight

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    I already said I don't know if anything will actually happen. I get the sense that we both really like each other and are very compatible, and we just happened to have met each other in a therapy setting instead of on the street or somewhere else. It's ridiculous to be so vilified when we're both adults, and it's not like I'm deeply troubled/damaged or being taken advantage of by my therapist. I think he knows I like him, and that's why he feels comfortable flirting back. I know it's very frowned upon, but therapists dating clients isn't exactly rare. If it ends up happening, I don't care, we're both past 25 and it will be something we both want. I'm tired of being alone my whole life and all the sex-crazed unfeeling jerks out there.
     
  11. Chip

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    Your arrogance, ignorance of the impact of your desires on the profession as well as on anyone other than yourself, and complete lack of any concern about his career, license, or his family continues to amaze me. It's bordering on sociopathic.

    Therapists dating clients *is* rare. When it happens, therapists lose their licenses. And it's not "frowned upon", it is prohibited by all state licensing agencies, and criminally illegal in most states. In other words... jail time, in addition to losing one's license.

    But... you don't care about any of that because you're still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend yet, and in the midst of your transference (which you don't acknowledge), you believe there's no one else on the planet but... your therapist, who is paid to be thoughtful, compassionate, intelligent, kind, and a nice person to be around.... who can fulfill your needs.

    And all of those add up to some enormous sense of entitlement you seem to have that it's OK to put your needs in front of the needs of his wife, his career, potentially his freedom, the licensing board that licenses him, and professionals everywhere whose reputations are damaged by asshat therapists who violate their ethical oath.

    That's really nice.
     
    #31 Chip, Aug 14, 2017 at 12:54 AM
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017 at 12:57 AM
  12. OGS

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    OK I finally went back and read this thread to see what all the hubbub was about.

    Wow... First, you're clearly projecting. I mean, seriously? You actually produced the fact that he's going camping as evidence that this married man who is literally paid to be nice to you is clearly a closet case--well, that and the fact that he's seen Malcom in the Middle. Wow--has no one ever shown you any affection in your life?

    On the vanishingly small chance that you aren't projecting he's a terrible therapist and kind of a terrible person. In that event you should get a new therapist... and he should get a new career... and a therapist.
     
  13. bluesunlight

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    I thought I was projecting at first, but there are just too many things that have happened to make me think otherwise. The manner in which he speaks and looks at me, how he would get close to me, his eye contact with me, the innuendo, his suggestive body movements, etc. It's not just me. He's obviously feeling something too - I can definitely feel the energy and felt it from the beginning. I mean, obviously, I'm a total evil sociopath for being attracted to my therapist and thinking he's the "perfect" man, but I'll just have to see where it leads. If he's into me as much as I'm into him, then it's not my fault, and I'm not going to reject him. Sorry not sorry!
     
  14. bluesunlight

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    You really need to stop being so judgmental and labeling people as things they're not. I'm actually a very nice, loving, and sweet person who has happened to have fallen for my therapist. I already said I'm not looking for sex. I'm curious to know if he is closeted and possibly looking to have a relationship with a male. If he is, then that's something he'd have to sort out with his wife first. I don't get why I'm being vilified on here when there are so many stories of men who have cheated on their wives with countless men for dirty anonymous sex, only to finally leave their wives decades later because they could no longer live a lie and then everyone congratulates their "courage" and late self-acceptance. And, I'm the sociopath here? Give me a break!
     
  15. Myclosetisfull

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    It is unethical to have a romantic relationship with your employer, and you are his employer. That is a non-negotiable fact. If he does want to pursue a relationship with you he should leave his wife and quit being your therapist.

    I'm not trying to vilify you, but it is highly in appropriate for him to be in your employment and presents numerous legally troubles (he would have all licences he has revoked for what you are describing, at the very least). So even if he sorted it out with his wife (I have a feeling you probably shouldn't try and interfere with their marriage anyways), he would have to refer you to another therapist before you can have a relationship or his life could be destroyed.
     
    #35 Myclosetisfull, Aug 14, 2017 at 2:06 AM
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017 at 2:12 AM
  16. Chip

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    That could be, and often is, projection. The problem with projection is... clients generally don't see it.

    Again, you can't know what he's feeling. It may all be projection. If it isn't, as has been stated ad nauseum, he's a terrible therapist, with awful boundaries, and should not be seeing anyone. He would also not make a good boyfriend for the same reason. But you're so blind, so arrogant, and so full of yourself that you don't see that.

    No, on the contrary, being attracted to one's therapist, and thinking he's the perfect boyfriend is actually quite common and well within the normal spectrum of what happens in therapy. That isn't what sets the warning flags for the sociopathic tendencies.

    What's different here is that most clients have some level of common sense and human decency and aren't interested in destroying the livelihood, marriage, and reputation of their therapist, and once they realize the potential cost of their actions, they realize that it would be an absolutely shitty and horrible thing to do, and they'd be a horrible person for doing it... and they realize they have to let it go. You, on the other hand, simply don't care, and that displays an utter lack of empathy and common humanity, which is the part that borders on sociopathy.

    Well, you and I agree on one thing: It isn't your fault if he is into you and has no boundaries, and is willing to risk his career, livelihood, marriage, freedom, and reputation in order to date some dude that clearly has some serious issues going on. That part will be on him as much as it is on you. But it takes two to tango, and if you do it, and it ends up ruining his life (which, with a high degree of certainty, I can say that it will), then the blood of that will on your hands as much as his, since you know (but are ignoring) what the stakes are.

    And don't be surprised if someone finds out and reports him. This is pretty close to mandatory report territory, and the Internet isn't as private or anonymous as most people think.
     
    #36 Chip, Aug 14, 2017 at 2:20 AM
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017 at 2:23 AM
  17. bluesunlight

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    Well, he hasn't done anything overtly wrong, so there's nothing to report. He's a nice man, and it could all be projection or it could not. I'm not certain at this point. If it ends up being more, I certainly know now not to tell you or anyone else in real life or on the Internet. If he's attracted to me and wants to pursue a relationship with me, I'm certainly not "destroying" anything of his. He's an adult who can make his own decisions.
     
    #37 bluesunlight, Aug 14, 2017 at 2:31 AM
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  18. Keiff Ti

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    This thread is a sinking ship
     
  19. bluesunlight

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    Okay, I should have just kept my mouth shut to begin with. I didn't think this would turn into such an issue on an Internet forum. He has not done anything unethical. I'm still working out if I'm merely projecting or if it's something more.
     
    #39 bluesunlight, Aug 14, 2017 at 2:44 AM
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  20. FrankieSam

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    i don't want to tell you what you have to do (because I don't like doing it and I know you're going to do what you want to do and not what they tell you, like any human being), but try to detach yourself of the situation and look at it with hindsight. Try to know what it's the best for you and everyone else. Remember that your acts are going to interfere in the lives of others.
     
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