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In love with my best friend - but he is straight

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PunkRocker, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. PunkRocker

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    Hello, I am new to this forum but I have something I need to share.

    I am 21 and from the UK. I think I am gay or bisexual but I pretend to be straight - I think I am pretending to myself too!

    Two years ago I met a guy who was 29 and we became very good friends. After a while I realised that I would get jealous if he talked to anyone else and that I was at my happiest when I was talking to him. A nice comment from him could make my day, but what I also liked about him is that he was brutally honest with me about my faults, whereas most people just be nice to my face and say bad things behind my back.

    I eventually realised that I was in love with him but of course I tried to pretend to myself that I just liked him as a friend. One time, someone saw us together and joked that we had a "romance" going on, but he got annoyed.
    I am certain that he is straight, as he had had a gf and always talked about women, but he was always playful with me and always sat physically close to me to the point where it was unbearable. I began to think that maybe he fancied me but dismissed this as stupidity.
    I now live in a different part of the country but we still talk to each other by phone. I have been away from him for a while but he is literally all I think about and as a result I am not attracted to anyone else. I would give up all my money and possessions just to be with him, that's how much I love him, but deep down I know that he is straight. I find myself thinking of him every time I hear a love song and even write poetry about him. I have never told anyone about my feelings for him.
    What should I do? Should I stop speaking to him and move on? Or should I tell him how I feel even though I know he will probably never talk to me again?
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hey PunkRocker,

    Nothing you described in your post indicates any real romantic or sexual attraction towards this guy. So, if I may ask, do you really think that you love him in a romantic and sexual sense? Or is he just a really close, best friend in your mind?

    It kind of sounds like you just really miss his company and are feeling lonely. That isn't unusual and isn't necessarily directly tied to romantic/sexual attractions by any means.

    You indicated that you think that you might be bisexual or gay. What indications do you have of that? Or are you basing that solely on your experience with this guy?
     
    #2 Quantumreality, Sep 8, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
  3. PunkRocker

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    I am sexually and romantically attracted to him and fantasise about being with him. I don't care about his faults, I just think he's perfect. I talked to him today and I almost blurted out how I felt about him in the hope that he would reciprocate. I guess you could say I am obsessed with him, not in a creepy way though.

    I think that I might be bi or gay because I often go through phases of telling myself only to think about women, but sometimes I let my guard down and look at gay porn, which I find much more exciting than straight porn but feel guilty afterwards.
     
  4. Nils

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    Idk if we read different posts or not but he does sound like hes got a crush on this dude, to me anyway. He literally said that he wants to be with him?? Like being in love with a guy is gay... sorry.
    I'm not actually sure if you should tell him or not. It sound like it'd be best to try and get rid of these feelings tbh. I'm not sure HOW to fall out of love with people though, so my advice is.. limited x_x
     
  5. PunkRocker

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    Hi, I just replied to Quantumreality but my post needs moderator approval or something?

    Thanks for replying, It's a bit more than a crush though! I spoke to him today and had to stop myself blurting out how I feel about him, he is literally driving me insane.
    Should I just cut off all contact with him for closure? Or tell him? I wish there was another way but these seem like the only options available.
     
  6. Creativemind

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    You can tell him how you feel for closure, but it may not work out. Crushing on the straight one is hard.
     
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  7. eightyeight

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    Hello PunkRocker,

    As Creativemind said, crushing on the straight one is hard.

    To some extent I understand how you feel, wanting to give up everything for this one person. But if he's straight, it's a different issue.

    I'm sorry to say that even though being playful and nice, it doesn't always mean that he's romantically interestef in you. A similar thing happened to me too, so believe me when I say I know at least this much.

    Telling him your feelings will most likely give you closure, however you have to be ready for the outcome. Try to think about the pros and cons of telling him before acting upon it, okay?

    If he's a great friend to you, I would suggest putting an emotional distance from him and take time to sort out your feelings. It would be a waste to lose him as a friend.

    Hang in there! The straight ones always tempt us but we must stay strong.

    I wish you the best of luck!
     
  8. PunkRocker

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    Thanks for the advice. I will have to do some thinking. If I am going to let him know how I feel, I could tell him that I think I'm gay and see how he reacts first. The problem is, we share a lot of the same friends and some of them aren't the most tolerant of people. So there is more than one friendship at stake here.
     
  9. Fishtail

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    If you want to get over him, maybe this thread can help?:
    https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...gs-to-do-to-help-you-get-over-a-crush.457848/

    Sorry but it they judge you because you are different than just 'straight´, they where never real friends in the 1 place.
    You are young and will definitely meet people who don´t care who you are attracted to or love.
     
    #9 Fishtail, Sep 9, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2017
  10. Maddox232003

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    It depends on you. Do you want friends or friends with benefits or marriage? Maybe like if you want sth a little bit higher than friends. A bit of courage and bravery is needed. Like you should confess and see how he will think about. Example like write a letter with some gifts.
     
  11. mlansing

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    Difficult spot to be in. Unlike a previous poster, I don't doubt that you are in love with this guy, based on what you wrote. I was in a very similar situation some years ago, but it turned out my friend actually had feelings for me the whole time too, so you never know. I would definitely start by saying you might be bi and see how he reacts. That alone could give you a sense of whether it's worth sharing your feelings or not.

    But regardless, when we look back on our lives we're inevitably going to regret things, and I believe the things we regret the most are the things we didn't do, not as much the things we did, no matter how embarrassing. So...it might be worth erring on the side of action in a situation like this. If I could do things over again with my old friend, I definitely would have told him how I felt.
     
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  12. music to ears

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    I'm in the same boat with this girl I like, it's very hard
     
  13. resu

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    It can help a lot to come out to a crush, even if you can't reveal your feelings just yet. Also, it's important to take a step back if you know he is straight. While you may be hyperfocused on him because you're so close, you have probably been ignoring other guys who are gay/bi and available. One thing you could do is look for other guys that share the positive aspects of your crush.
     
  14. PunkRocker

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    I can't seem to find anyone like him who is gay or even bi. I got talking to a really good looking guy the other day but felt like shit when he said he had a girlfriend who he loved. Even if he was gay, I would still only see him as a temporary distraction from my friend. Straight or not, he is 'the one' for me. I'm just looking for a way to come out to him and he might even guess that I'm into him without me having to go through the awkwardness of telling him.
     
  15. Southpaw

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    Even if he was gay, I would still only see him as a temporary distraction from my friend. Straight or not, he is 'the one' for me.

    I know this story soooo well :frowning2:
     
  16. RevHale

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    Has he given you any indication of what he thinks about gay/lesbian people or LGBT issues in general, such as marriage, politics, or people who are homophobic? Do you have any insights into his thoughts and values about anything LGBT? Does he have other friends or relatives or siblings who are gay?

    If the possibility of a romantic / sexual relationship is out of the question, what would you want to happen instead? One thing that's true for both straight and gay or mixed relationships is that it can be difficult and troublesome to let go of false hope. By that I mean is be prepared to let him go rather than holding onto the impossible. That's for your own health, and for your own possibility of other relationships if not with him.
     
    #16 RevHale, Sep 24, 2017 at 4:30 PM
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017 at 4:30 PM
  17. OGS

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    I know people probably don't want to hear this but, while I think you should definitely let him know you're gay, you should keep how you feel about him to yourself. The place that comes from for me is having been in a sense on the other side of that situation several times. Despite having been fully out as gay for a long time I've had quite a few women declare their love for me and while I try to be kind about it all if I'm really honest with myself the main thing I feel in these situations is irritation. As much as I try to be charitable the way it always comes off to me is "I have to get this off my chest so I'm going to burden you with it." It's not fair to the other person and in a very real sense I think it's selfish--if we want people to respect our sexuality we should start by respecting theirs.
     
  18. JAlfred

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    Writing poetry about the best friend you've fallen in love with... it's like you're describing my college years. It's an uncomfortable place to be, and that's an understatement.

    I've seen some people in this thread give you the advice to put a little bit of distance between yourself and this guy, and that might be a good idea. Not necessarily cut all ties with him, but a little distance can help show you that there are other guys out there who can return your love, and if anything, it might help clear your head to step back from the situation a bit.