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In Doubt

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mathilda, Jan 5, 2021.

  1. Mathilda

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2021
    Messages:
    4
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    Location:
    Switzerland
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    First, I want to apologize for the name and gender selected... there was nothing like in doubt, but other... so I pick the one and the name closest of what I may be if I come out being trans, please understand I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable, so please understand me as a 38 year old male going through a lot of doubt. Please be patient with my english it's not my primary language, and be sure I will seek therapy given the depression and anxiety I am living in this moment.

    please give yourself the time, this is gonna be long...

    Well, after 4 years in a lot of distress, working at night in logistics (not a dream job for me), and after going through a hard programing bootcamp, I found myself crying for days, the depression was manifesting itself (no need to go on symptoms, except for compulsive smoking, loss of weight, and the typical other stuff.). I lay on my bed, and pray to god to wake up being a women... many of you will say, ok it's not enough to have doubts, and yes may be at an isolated thing you may be right or maybe not, true is I don't know much. But then I started reviving many things, this was not the first time it happened, was always going on. is just i never put much attention to it. sive I had 14 , I was praying for this, I did it countless times, I remembered me in front of the mirror, not liking my body, desiring with huge gilt to develop a more feminine shape, I just have forgotten that, remember being bullied for another student and never have clear why. I remember I avoided sports even i was the athletic type. then I think at the middle of the school with 16 I enrol in the Officer navy school of my country at that moment, I hate it, but stay one year and a half, being very much acknowledge for being extremely resourceful, imaginative and with strategies out of the box, but not to discipline oriented, plus quite artistic, so I made the push ups for my complete life (that navy was quite old fashioned if you understand what I mean), after that... i had to come back to school (different school), all was different for the people I had this kind of militar aura so no more bullying, I founded a drama club with great success we won 2 festivals and we host one, in just 1.5 years before graduation. Again I find myself being friend with the women of the class, and having good but not to interesting relation with the rest of my peers, mostly party and so, but always the not belonging sensation.

    My life went quite normal during the University except for a deep depression , but not as heavy of the one I have right now, there was not trigger event, was associated to academic doubts, i was again in distress and I was again wishing at night wake up being a women, but i don't know why, that was so intimate, i never discussed on therapy, therapy went well till I become functional again, therapy over, but my grades never recover. so I change carrier, and start with Psychology. On of the things I remember is that in an environment when women surpass men 6 to 1 I felt quite confi, till one class one exercise I quite remember well..., an imaginary when we had to picture our life as the opposite gender, I like that life much more than mine. but again with all I was going on exams and so I forgot the incident. so things in life happened, dead of people I loved, partis abuse of alcohol on weekends, etc... I like girls but I went virgin most of the process.

    The wishes of become a women never fade away... but i understood them as a phase, may be something that happen to me when overwhelmed, As in that land gender dysphoria was not a diagnose at that time and I was very selective in what to study (uni survival strategic time management), I was never aware of it, and just know I am learning a bit.

    After I came to live alone, after 2 years in my current new country, I started to trasvesti inside my home, I bought and try the clothes, the feel ashamed, and see in the mirror was even worse, so i discarded the clothes, this circle went over 3 times. was nothing sexualized, mostly common with good taste clothes (not in my body).

    during this period i started work at night in logistics and ver knew that was a life for the next 4 years, i had an ongoing relation with a girl for over 8 years, but we lived in different countries the whole time, so we meet around 4 to 5 times a year.

    till the current crisis i had no idea of this feelings, till the dots connected on the worst of my depression. and now i am in doubt. I know I need to seek therapy (by the way given all the situation I ended my relation, was the fair to do). So now I am here asking myself about my Gender.

    I know that mostly for the depression i need to seek therapy, that is not out of doubt (as soon as money permit), but I want to ask What is your take. I know you are not here to diagnose, but if you had similar experiences that can orientate me would be nice, Could I be trans?, What to do?

    Please disregard the user name, and the gender, I just thought about it, was nothing like unsure in the option.
     
  2. QuietPeace

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2020
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Welcome to EC, this is the perfect place to ask questions and experiment.

    You do not need to apologize about not being certain.

    As you said a number of times no one here can diagnose you. You are the only one who can decide how you need to live your life, and you do not have to decide today or even this year. From what you describe it does seem that it could be possible that transitioning and living as a woman might be helpful for you. There are things that you can try. Here on the forum there is a thread to experiment with names and pronouns and you can see how that makes you feel.

    Some of your experiences do seem familiar to me. I went through a period of heavy exercise and even body building. I also presented heavily masculine, it was all an attempt to cover up what I had been feeling all of my life (though it is not necessary for someone to have had early childhood cross gender feelings for it to be valid). It is incredibly freeing to live as my true self. Getting into therapy to help you accept whatever the truth is would be a good idea. Whether that truth is just being comfortable with cross dressing or if it means fully transitioning.
     
    Mathilda likes this.
  3. Mathilda

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2021
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Switzerland
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks for Answer me!
     
  4. Mathilda

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 5, 2021
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Switzerland
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    btw, is any way I can clarify better if what I am feeling is just confusion ? if someone read this... can you share if the experiences I have match yours? or how you came to be sure or know?