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In Denial About Anxiety

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by MaybeBenji, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. MaybeBenji

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    Alright,
    I'm trans (ftm) and have recently started to transition. I've been seeing a therapist for a little over a month now and I'm supposed to be calling a doctor to make an appointment to start testosterone. The problem is, I'm terrible at phone calls. I don't know what happens but I get really nervous and my voice goes high which makes me more nervous. I always told myself that it's not anxiety, I don't like phone calls because sometimes it's hard to hear. That's stupid. I've been having to make more calls lately and never have trouble hearing and if I do I ask the person to repeat it and it's fine. So, I think I'm in denial.

    The first therapy appointment I was a nervous wreck. I had trouble talking and was just generally very nervous. My therapist straight up asked me if I thought I had anxiety and I said "no" because that's always been my response. She starts each session by asking me about my anxiety and how it is and I always say "it's fine" but I'm starting to think it's not. But she's not the first person to bring it up, my high school guidance counselor also tried to talk to me about my anxiety and my response was pretty much "I don't have anxiety and even if I did I wouldn't talk to you about it because you're job is to get kids into college not ask about my feelings". I said it nicer than that but that's the basic feeling I had.

    Now that I'm a bit older and more sure of myself, I think I might have anxiety but I'm definitely in denial. I always told myself that I don't have anxiety and it's not bad to be nervous about things. I told myself that my problems are all due to me being trans and once I transition it will go away. I know on some level that's not true but I think I'm hoping it will be. I have had one panic attack before (years ago, there was lots of bs happening in school) and anytime I think about going to the doctor my heart races and I get panic-y. I'm not abnormally afraid of doctors and I know that this appointment is necessary but it freaks me out.

    I guess this is my long-winded way of asking how y'all deal with anxiety, if that's what this is. Should I talk to my therapist about it? She seems to know but maybe I should admit it. I also feel like therapy isn't helping me. If anything, it makes me more anxious. I have a lot of bs from my childhood and blocked most of it out. I think I'm afraid that if I start talking about it, I'll remember more than I want to. I lost a lot of close people in my life and had bad relationships with the ones that were left and I think talking about it all would bring up a lot of emotions that I'd rather not deal with. I know that talking about it is supposed to help but I don't want help. I just want to move on with my life. Talking about my feelings has never been fun and it seems to make things worse.

    Ok, sorry that was a lot.
    Any tips for admitting you have anxiety and getting help would be appreciated,
    Ben.
     
  2. Aspen

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    I definitely think you should talk to your therapist about it. It sounds like she is already thinking that you might and is gently encouraging you to talk about it. If you don’t feel comfortable saying that you have anxiety yet, why don’t you talk to her about anxiety in a more general sense? It’s okay to ask questions about how people with anxiety generally feel and how they cope. Everyone’s anxiety is different but you might see yourself in some of it.

    To be honest, I’m not great at handling my anxiety, but I’m a lot better than I used to be. A few things that help me:
    • Journaling: My journal for 2019 so far is 45 pages long and a good majority of it is me venting my stresses. I find it helps to get it all out on the page. I often recognize things that I can do to decrease my anxiety as I’m writing or ways that I can react in whatever stressful situation I’m in.
    • Deep breaths. In the moment, anxiety can cause you to breathe more shallow and quickly. Taking deep breaths can help you to calm down and center yourself.
    • Mindfulness. My therapist in college tried to teach me this one. I’m not very good at it but I also don’t practice nearly as much as I should.
    • My phone call anxiety is a little different than yours. I’ve never been afraid of not being able to hear, only that I won’t know what to say. When I’m making an important phone call, I jot down a bit of a “script” with everything that I need to say or remember in it.
    • Good self-care. Sometimes that means taking a day off work for a mental health day. Sometimes it just means drinking a cup of tea. For me, it often means cutting back on sugar and caffeine, especially when I'm under a lot of stress.
     
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  3. BradThePug

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    I agree that talking with your therapist about this would be a good idea. I deal with anxiety myself. It is not fun to deal with at all. I was a little caught off guard when they diagnosed me with it, because I just thought that I was constantly over thinking everything. This is something that your therapist will be able to help you with. Even if you talk about it in the general sense, she will still be able to help you.
     
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