In a straight relationship but I think I'm gay

Hey! I wanted to thank you for commenting on this thread; although it may be 5 years old, it's strange how timely it is for me.

I also find myself in a simular situation. I don't have any answer or gudiance; I'm kind of just taking every day in stride. But seeing everyone's perspectives, and knowing Im not the only one strugling, does help.

Thanks

 

Hey!

@Pyramids64 Im so glad you've recently commented because I've just read all of these posts and I'm in the same position!

I'm 25 nearly 26, told a couple of close friends how I feel about women but I don't feel like any of them take me seriously! I've been with a guy for nearly 4 years, we're both creatives and work together on loads of projects. We have the same ideas, we're practically the same people and I do feel like I've found my soulmate,,,, but I'm not sexually attracted to him. Some days I want to have sex but some days I don't want to go near him. I sometimes have sex to make him feel good and to keep us together. I think for a long time I've shut my true feelings away, I've never wanted to accept that I could be into women. My mental health is pretty poor, I'm anxious a lot of the time, some days I don't feel anything and can just be nasty, I think it's a sort of coping mechanism.

We're on a break now, he's left me to clear the air and figure out what I really want. I think he's hoping that I miss him and go back to giving him 100% loving attention like we first got together. Since the break though I'm thinking about women again but I can't help feeling devastated by the thought of losing him, he's my best friend!

It's quite reassuring to know there's other people in the same position.

Thank you for starting this discussion. <3

Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

 

I understand this very well and I think it takes time to move on. I read something today that said "you need to leave your old life behind to get your new one" and it's scary, but also true. I am at a point where I am allowing myself to look, desire, and potentially have a sexual connection with women over the summer. I think my boyfriend knows our relationship has come to an end, however I have made it really clear that I want him in my life and I want him to remain my friend.
Now that you are on a break, that is wonderful! Allow yourself to be free and to act without guilt, in order to discover what you need to. I find that one of my biggest fears has been cheating even if he knows I might do it. Letting go of guilt is the first step into discovering who you are and, believe me, what is right for you will make you feel happy. I also find myself not interested in any other men sexually and that tells me a lot personally. I am not repelled by them or anything, I would kiss one if I kinda was in the position, but I would honestly rather not! I prefer women 100% and I can't help it!
Anyway, I am sorry your friends aren't very supportive, at least you have a whole community standing by you. A lot of people are going through the same thing. Be honest with yourself and your partner and be open and direct. Keeping things in never helped me and I don't think it could help you, either.

Good luck <3

 

It's strange reading these stories on here because at the time (around 10 years ago) I was also a similar age (in my twenties) and I remember feeling so unclear and confused about things which now are so obvious to me, but it has taken me a long time to get here ! I remember feeling so alone, like I was the only person in the world going through this but now it seems like it is very common situation, particularly among women.

It's definitely not up to me to advise you on what your sexuality is, however, I think the key thing is: listen to what your body is telling you.

I would suggest that you always put your own needs first (because at the end of the day, that's what everyone else does, especially may I add - men!). Also don't force yourself to do things that you don't enjoy for someone else's benefit.

Learning & accepting who you really are, is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself <3

 

Hate to revive this seemingly dead thread but reading everybody's stories helped me quite a bit and I just wanted to get mine off my chest
I'm 19 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for two years now but were good friends before we got together. I think he is super sweet, nice, adorable, amazing and I love him but I'm not sure if I'm sexually attracted to him.

I am not sure if that is because I might be gay or because maybe I'm kind of asexual? To me the sex feels unnecessary and the best part is the cuddling afterwards, admittedly it feels good but I rarely ever initiate it and sometimes get upset if I know it will just be the two of us together. At first this made me think I was asexual, though just general low libido is much more likely.

However, lately I've noticed that all my celebrity crushes are always female and the vast majority of my irl crushes were also female. When watching tv series I occasionally get butterflies when two girls kiss but have never experienced the same feeling when seeing heterosexuals kiss. Because I have never been with a girl I find it extremely difficult to imagine whether I would truly enjoy doing anything more than cuddling/kissing. I keep fantasizing about being with a girl (though these always only include kissing/cuddling) but I'm afraid that that is only happening because I know I can't.

I love my boyfriend, I love seeing him happy and making him happy and I truly want the best for him but I'm afraid that somewhere along the line I confused my feelings of friendship with love. My boyfriend knows I'm bisexual and I talked to him about thinking I might be asexual and because he is great he took both of those things extremely well, but I am afraid that talking to him about my current doubts would hurt him.

 

I too relate so much and feel so validated to find threads like these. I'd love so much to hear more about any outcomes if anyone wants to share!

Just for anyone else like me who stumbles along here and thinks "me too"...

I'm a 40 year old, up until now identified as bisexual. I've had same-sex crushes always. I've had lots of sex with women and one female relationship in my 20s (she left me for a man - they're still together and I'm happy for them). My high school crush freaked out and never spoke to me again when I told her about my crush later on in our late 20s.

I repressed my love of women for so long, for so many reasons. I never saw same-sex relationships growing up, and what I did see was everyone putting themselves through hell to be in a relationship at all times. I thought I was worthless unless I was with someone. I found this Tumblr post about learning they are a lesbian instead of bi recently, and felt so seen.

After a series of unhealthy hetero relationships, I've been in the healthiest one in my life. We've been together for 5 amazing years. I love him so dearly. I have 3 teen children and we all live together. He's an incredible partner, super romantic and giving, and we've even been lucky enough to have amazing sex. And yet... suddenly I've found I'm no longer turned on by him at all -- even when I desperately want to be, and try to get physically intimate.

I've been trying so hard to understand it and "fix" it... I've always done lots of work around my sexual and religious trauma, and lately some of that has come up again, so I thought maybe it had to do with that. I've been working on embodiment practice - inhabiting the spaces of my body that I used to disassociate with during all my hetero relationships... so I thought maybe that was the reason. Now that I'm fully in my body and listening to it, she's telling me she's not into that.

But usually there's someone else that helped me open my eyes to what was missing, or to give me hope that things might work out ok if I end this relationship... and right now, there is no one. I don't even want there to be anyone. I've been questioning whether I'm asexual or a lesbian instead of just bi... because how else could I be completely repulsed by this incredible, handsome human? But why does it feel so sudden?

I very much want to work things out with him, but I'm not willing to abandon myself any longer to do so. He's been so supportive & I've been honest with him every step of the way. It's scary, but it feels like I'm doing what I need to do. Thankfully my kids are older so they wouldn't care too much -- one of my sons is closer to him, but it's possible he could still be in our lives in some way even if we're not able to maintain the relationship as it used to be.

I'm not sure if we just won't have sex for awhile to see if this blows over, or whether he'll move out and just see us part time in case I just need more space, or whether we'll totally break up, or something else. I just know that as long as I'm listening to my heart and being honest with myself and with him, it'll work out the best it can. Hugs to all of you - past, present, and future.