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In a straight relationship but I think I might be a lesbian.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by popek, Sep 14, 2020 at 9:01 AM.

  1. popek

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    Hi,

    I am posting here as I have nobody to talk this through with. I come from a quite homophobic country however as I was always a bit of an outsider, I spent my teenage years on the internet where I have found out that some people are not straight and after I got used to the idea I realised I might be bisexual myself.
    Since primary school I had crushes on guys and after I realised I'm bi, I have always thought that I am gonna end up with a guy anyway and being with girls is just more of an 'adventure' thing and that I will never be with a girl forever.

    Another thing that I feel I need to mention is that I have struggled with extreme anxiety and depression since i was 12 and at few points i have completely refused to go to school. I have been taking antidepressants for 6 years now and I feel like they might have also affected my sexual drive. I am also in the process of getting an ASD diagnosis and I do suspect sometimes I might have BPD. Therefore my mental health was never great and I have no idea how it is to feel happy really. I do not have any hobbies or anything I enjoy.

    In my last year of high school I fell for a girl that was my best friend and we kissed and made out a lot. I'm not sure why but for quite a while she did not really want to commit causing me a lot of pain but after a few months she agreed to be my girlfriend. At the same time that my relationship with her begun, I have been sexually assaulted by my good friend and guitar teacher and I felt extremely guilty towards her because i felt like I have been cheating on her. Only year after the abuse finished i realised that what he has done was not my fault and should not have happened. Anyway i got together with my ex girlfriend in April, but in September I was leaving to another country to go to University. During this time we experienced ups and downs as I felt her parents might have been suspecting something and they did not like me. I felt frustrated and as i fall into black and white thinking a lot i have convinced myself that maybe i don't really love her (lots of guys were trying to make me believe i don't love her for some reason plus the abuse from earlier also contributed). I think I always believed there is going to be somebody just like me that I'm gonna meet and they are going to save me from all my suffering and she's not the one. And few days before i left I met this guy who was also self harming and we clicked instantly and now i believed he is the love of my life. As i left to a different country it obviously did not work out, he stopped talking to me and then i had a massive breakdown at the beginning of 2018. I broke up with my girlfriend and I was self harming a lot and started having sex with random guys. Reflecting back on it i believe having sex with them might have been another form of self harm.

    Anyway I met this guy who is a really amazing person and I started a relationship with him, which I think might have been a bit of a rushed decision that now i regret, but I felt like he is a really sad person and i need to 'save' him. We have been together now for 2.5 years almost, we live together and we have a cat. We both have mental health issues and are trying to help each other. Problem is for more than a year now I do not want to have sex. He is okay with it, I mean it does make him sad sometimes but he respects my decisions and is not pushy about anything. Throughout my time with him however i have been thinking about my ex girlfriend a lot and even when i do not think about her or try not to, I keep having dreams where we are back together and they make me ruminate again about our relationship. I have also realised that I might not be attracted to men at all, as before I was considering that I might be asexual, however now I am realising that I might just be attracted to women only. I have told him this but he wants to get married and spend his whole life with me, so as much as he is accepting, he does not want me to be a lesbian, which is understandable. I have tried to tell him a few times, however every time it ends up with him saying that probably I just do not know who I am because of my mental illness (he is not wrong i mean my sense of identity is not always accurate) and he will give me time to figure it out. Yesterday I have told him I think more and more that I am a lesbian and he had a breakdown and said he will probably never be able to talk to me again and that we cannot keep living together. I panicked and said that I still don't know and that I do not want to break up with him, because the truth is I cannot afford to move out (I am already working and studying both full time) and find a room on my own (which is gonna be really difficult with the cat) and I do not want to lose the cat (animals are the only thing that makes me somewhat not sad) and I am just scared because living with him for another 2 months(notice we need to give to landlord) would be unbearable.
    At the moment me and my ex girlfriend who is in a different country, are still talking to each other but as friends.

    I do not expect solutions as I know that I need to figure this out on my own but I am just really lost and I cannot sleep at night because I am crying all the time. I am tired, so if anybody has any suggestions or advice that would be much appreciated. Really sorry about the long read.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation and that you have suffered abuse in the past. It sounds like you’ve got a lot that you need to work through and that your current situation isn’t helping.

    Putting your sexuality aside for a moment, do you want stay with your current boyfriend anyway? Finances and your cat seem to be the only things keeping you there. Would finding another roommate or house share be possible? What concerns you about living with your boyfriend during the two month notice period? That it will be awkward or that he might harm you? If you are concerned about your safety, then finding a way to leave safely should be your priority.

    You mention a couple times about saving people and wanting to be saved, which can be unhealthy in relationships because it lead to codependency. Have you ever had therapy for the abuse you suffered? If not, it might be a good idea to look in to it and spend some time working on yourself.

    To go back to your sexuality, only you can work that one out, as you’ve said. Try to focus on your thoughts and feelings, rather than what your boyfriend might be telling you. It sounds like you’re really stressed (understandably) at the moment. Coronavirus restrictions allowing, is there anywhere that you can stay for a few days to get some space? Or at least, make sure that you’re looking after yourself (e.g. eat well, go for a walk each day, etc.).

    Be kind to yourself and take care. :slight_smile:
     
  3. popek

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    Hi, thank you.
    I do not know if I want to stay with my boyfriend, part of me wants to because as I mentioned it gives me more comfortable living situation and also he is my best friend and we do get along well most of the time and help each other a lot. It would be really difficult for me to find another place as I live in a city where it is really rare to find pet friendly accommodation and if you find one it is usually really expensive. I do not believe he would harm me but i think during the notice period we would just argue a lot and he would be extremely sad which would be difficult for me to handle.
    I don't have any friends in the city that I live in and I have extreme social anxiety. I have had therapy in the past (not for the abuse, just general) but I find it hard to speak to people about my problems and on some of the therapy sessions I didn't even say one word and none of the therapies I had ever helped, on the contrary they made me feel like there is no hope.
    I am like 95% sure I am a lesbian but I do not know if I can trust my feelings and I do not know whether how i feel will change. As I have mentioned I have been taking antidepressants for long time and sometimes its just hard for me to say which feelings that i have are real and which are caused by my mental health problems and I do not know who I am and what I want to do in life.