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In a hetero marriage

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by PeonyRose, May 1, 2022.

  1. PeonyRose

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    Hi, I'm a cis female, age 41, married to a man and have a child, but for over 30 years I've know I have same sex attraction. I tried coming out a couple of times at uni over 20 years ago but having been met with bad reactions shoved myself back in the closet each time. I had 1 brief sexual affair with another closeted friend in my 20's which I still think and dream about to this day. My only ambition in life was to have children and I knew that would be easier if I were with a man. I fell in love with and do still love my husband but haven't felt any sexual attraction to him in years. I know deep down I'm a lesbian but have no idea how to do anything with the feelings I've got trapped inside me. I don't want to break up my family but I don't know how much longer I can live with these feelings unexpressed. I don't know what I'm looking for here but just needed to get it out somewhere or else I feel like I'll explode.
     
  2. CapnMal

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    Welcome to EC! I think you’ll find there are a number of us here who have come to a similar fork in the road and can empathize with you. I hope you find the support here you need to move forward with whichever path you find fits you best.
     
  3. Sunchimes

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    Hello @PeonyRose and welcome.

    I have been exactly where you are right now and it’s a very tough situation to be in.

    I had been married for a long time when I came out. I’d struggled all my life with attraction to women and it got to a point where I had to talk to my husband. I, too didn’t want to break up my family.

    I found a forum like this one and was helped and supported. I’m glad you’re here. You will get the support you need from understanding people.
     
  4. quebec

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    PeonyRose.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give support if you need it and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary! There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation.
    *****When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:
    *****
    To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.
    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can post a question on my Profile Page or send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  5. Stitch57

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    Hi welcome!
     
  6. PeonyRose

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    Thank you. I've felt an immense relief since posting on here but also slightly sick that I've acknowledged everything I've felt for so long. I genuinely don't know what I want to do moving forward as I believe my husband is completely in the dark about my feelings. We're totally financially dependent on each other and wouldn't be in a position to set up homes on our own. I can't imagine having to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I do though.
     
  7. Sunchimes

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    Hi @PeonyRose

    I totally relate to everything you say. I felt somewhat trapped for the same reasons when I first came out. For me, communicating my needs over time was a game changer. Every couple is different in these scenarios in the way how things are dealt with. It’s very upsetting and it can take years before a solution is reached.

    Message me anytime if you need an ear.
     
    #7 Sunchimes, May 2, 2022
    Last edited: May 2, 2022
  8. Jakebusman

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    Welcome to EC does your husband know how you feel ?
     
  9. PeonyRose

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    Hi, no he has no idea.
     
  10. Jakebusman

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    Will you ever tell him ?
     
  11. Sunchimes

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    I think when it gets to the stage where you are at now (I remember it well), you need to talk to him. Of course this is tough. It was One of the worst days of my life when I had to tell my husband about me. I was feared of the next stage and what he’d want to do. I feared losing everything. You name it, I feared it. Luckily he was supportive.

    Once you’ve told him, you can then both work out the next stage.
     
  12. PeonyRose

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    Do you mind me asking if you had children? I can't imagine completely messing up their lives. I don't feel like my happiness is worth wrecking everyone else's.
     
  13. PeonyRose

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    I can't imagine it at this point
     
  14. Sunchimes

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    I don’t mind at all.

    Yes, older teenage. For us though, we didn’t break up the home. We just changed our relationship to that of best friends. This give us the go ahead to have romantic relationships with others since we had ended that part of us.
     
  15. PeonyRose

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    Wow, I just can't imagine for a minute that being an option at all. Our children are primary school age. Honestly I don't think my husband has any idea. We have sex a lot (more than any of my friends seem to) and I think it's mainly because I just go with it to hide how I'm feeling and so he doesn't guess.
     
  16. Sunchimes

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    This must be so tough for you. Your children are younger as well so I understand your situation is totally different to how mine was.

    I got to a point where I’d fallen in love with a woman and I had no alternative but to come out to my husband. I literally couldn’t have sex with him (not any other man) any more. It had got to a point where I was cracking up.

    I have friends who got to this cracking up stage when their children were young though and they came out to their husbands. It all depends on if you can continue to cope with having sex with him and living a life where you’re not entirely happy. Living for everyone else eventually begins to take its tole.

    I totally understand you wanting to keep quiet though. This forum will help because you have an outlet where you can talk to others. Our situations are all different even within this forum and you have to do what is best for you.

    There is no right and wrong way to deal with this.
     
  17. BiGemini87

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    Welcome to EC, @PeonyRose!

    I'm sorry you're struggling with this, but I'm also glad you're embarking on this journey to understand yourself better. You'll find many people who have been in the same situation you're in now, especially in the LGBT Later in Life forum. If you ever need anything, don't be afraid to reach out to the staff. :slight_smile:
     
  18. PeonyRose

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    Thanks for understanding. I ask myself these same questions every day but I never really feel as though I can justify my happiness over everyone else's. I think it would be different if I met someone but I don't want to be deliberately going out to try and meet someone when I'm already married, that doesn't seem fair to anyone.

    Regarding the sex I guess I'm just used to it being something I have to do. I can still get some pleasure from it if I fantasise about women but it's not an exactly fulfilling situation. To be honest it's like a chore I know I have to do and I end up drinking alcohol to try and relax and muster up some enthusiasm, which I know isn't great.
     
  19. PeonyRose

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    Thank you
     
  20. Sunchimes

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    Your post resonated with me so much. I remember before I came out I drank a lot! Just to numb everything and cope.

    My only advice is to take things as slow as you need to. Like you say, you haven’t met anyone and there’s no panic. I used to be on a forum that was specifically for women in these situations when I first was going through all this. That forum doesn’t exist any more but it was such a help. A lot of women with younger children waited/were waiting til they’d grown up before they chose to come out. Some were having secret affairs with women (usually in the same boat) in order to get what they needed.

    It’s literally just so individual and personal in how each woman deals with it.