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I'm Stupid...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Kat99, Oct 1, 2016.

  1. Kat99

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    I have this lesbian colleague who I've become close friends with. She's the only one who knows that I'm gay and she's been extremely supportive throughout this whole process. Problem is she's happily married and I think that I'm falling for her. I'm so upset with myself....
     
  2. faustian1

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    Of course this is unrealistic. It will not have a good outcome, if you delude yourself that way.

    However, I think you're being very harsh on yourself to call yourself "stupid" for this. I and many others have plenty of tales of misery of our own on this subject. Your intellectual "brain" is working just fine. You know this is not going to work. Your "emotional" brain is also doing what it wants to do--wishful thinking.

    So go ahead and be upset with yourself. You know what you have to do. That is to keep your relationship businesslike, and keep that emotional brain under control.

    But you're not stupid. You're just learning this the hard way, like many of us have.
     
  3. Keith83

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    Hey Kat,
    You're not stupid at all! We're all human and we all have feelings and we unfortunately have very little control over who we fall in love with. Unfortunately for you, you're now in a position where you're working with someone who you probably can't stop thinking about and it's almost impossible to get someone like that out of your head when you're seeing them so often.
    Let's face facts - if she's married then I think you have to admit to yourself that the best you can hope for is friendship. But if seeing her every day is like absolute torture then you need to try to find a way to deal with that. One way would be to find another job and try to forget about her but I doubt that's realistic. She's obviously someone who you're really close to if you've come out to her. The best option would seem to be to try and focus on finding someone who you could be with. I know you're not out so obviously you'd have to keep things quiet and try do things in a way that keeps the level of privacy you need at the moment but could you start looking on dating sites and see if after messaging someone for a while something might develop? Or might your friend go on a night out with you to a gay bar where you could try to meet someone? I've no idea how realistic any of that is but try to keep in mind that you're always going to have a special connection to a person if they're the only one who knows you're gay. I just have one friend who I've come out to and it does kind of make you for a special kind of bond with them on account of the trust your putting in them and the acceptance they're showing us that nobody else is. But maybe that's just something that we need to cherish as a special friendship - and try to find that special someone elsewhere knowing that you'll have her for support and advice.

    The truth is its probably never going to happen with her but that doesn't mean it won't happen with someone else. But you need to start putting yourself out there to find them. That doesn't mean you have to come out, just be discreet and see what happens.

    But you're not stupid at all - I think most people have fallen for someone they shouldn't have - that's just life. It's tough but you're not the first and you won't be the last!
     
    #3 Keith83, Oct 1, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2016
  4. Kat99

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    Keith83 - Thank you for the positive feedback and encouraging words.
     
  5. Landgirl

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    It is very hard. I am in this position at the moment. I met a woman on an internet dating website, and we agreed to meet up with a view to becoming friends first and seeing if anything developed between us. Well, it did on my part, but not on hers. Cutting her out of my life totally is something I can't bring myself to do. I can do it with people who I have recognised are not good for me, but she is very caring and supportive, and good fun to be with. We are currently meeting up around every two weeks, for a walk, film, meal, etc and each time we meet we can talk for hours without tiring, and share really intimate things. After a couple of days I find myself longing to see her again, but I know it is not the same for her. She knows I feel more for her than she does for me, because we are very open with each other and had a deep and painful discussion about where things were heading. She feels bad about it, and watches her behaviour to make sure she doesn't do anything that means she could be accused of leading me on. I try not to come across as too needy, because I know first-hand how awkward it can be to know that someone loves you more than you love them (I was acutely aware of this with my husband).

    I decided that my best way forward was not to lose the best friend I currently have, but to do as Keith says and concentrate on finding someone else, whilst benefitting from my friend's support. The problem I have is that this is taking rather a long time, and in the meantime I love her more than ever.

    It is definitely not stupid to feel this way. We are biologically programmed to seek out and bond with people, and if they are kind and caring, then our body's survival system is working extremely well, and we can pride ourselves on our judgement. It would be much more worrying if we found ourselves loving people who treat us badly, because then our inbuilt safety system is malfunctioning and we would need to sort that out as our first priority.
     
  6. Mat78

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    There's nothing stupid in falling for a colleague. Or 90% of people would be stupid, then.
    I faced the same situation earlier this year. I had a crush for a gay colleague, who had a boyfriend. I would not say that we became close friends but we get along well, and at one time, I wondered if I should tell him that I found him attractive. I eventually decided not do so. But that was not easy.
     
  7. Kat99

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    Update!

    Our "friendship" has gone from interacting on a daily basis to a simple hi at work. I'm truly hurt by this because I've never overstepped any boundaries with her. I've always remained professional at work and I have been extremely supportive of her in every way. Yet still the 2-3 text a day, lunch etc, etc have all come to sudden stop. Our last interaction was not pleasant, she basically said that she felt like I wasn't giving enough to her. Which is absolutely not true! I didn't know how to respond to this so I sat there and listened. She's the only one that knows I'm gay and has been supportive of me up until this point. This sudden switch has left me sad and extremely upset. What are your thoughts.
     
  8. dirtyshirt84

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    Hey Kat

    I was in a similar kind of situation to you, I had a crush on a lesbian coworker who has a serious gf. I also came out to her (although I am out to some other people also but no one else at work yet). I am also married though. I've tried hard to get over my feelings for her and think of her as just a friend but it hasn't been easy.

    Its a tough situation to be in. I can understand why you are upset, that's not a great way to treat a friend. Do you think its possible she also has feelings for you? Or possible that she suspects you have feelings for her? Sounds like there must be more to it in any case. Would it be worth trying to talk to her further about it?

    Is there anyone else you could come out too? Like maybe a close friend or family member? Just wondering if it would help if someone else knew and you had someone else to talk to about it irl?
     
  9. Landgirl

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    Hi Kat, I'm just wondering if you have become a bit more guarded in your interactions with her (perhaps at a level you yourself are not aware of), in order to protect yourself from falling for her any more than you already have, and that she has picked up on this and thinks you don't like her as much as you used to.
     
  10. Kat99

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    I don't think that I have, but one never knows. I just wish that it didn't hurt so much.

    ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2016 at 03:53 AM ----------

    I met with a therapist a few days ago and she thinks that it could be pressure from her wife. She would initiate contact with me every single day and we would chat for long periods of time. She would also text to see what time I was going to arrive to work so that we could hang out before our shift started. We also ate lunch and walked to our cars together every single day. Now nothing! It's almost like she's trying to push me away but doesn't know how. I presented this scenario to my therapist without mentioning that I'm gay. I will be seeing her on a weekly basis so I'm hoping to come out to her soon.
     
  11. Lora

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    If she is your true friend, she'll come back to you. She's probably having a bit of feelings for you and she had to process it. You know sometimes we have to step back so we can move forward. Don't strain yourself. Now if she decides that she cannot be the same friend for you, if she cannot do anymore what the two of you used to do then you have to respect that. We have the similar situation except that I am acting more like your friend. I'm inloved with my closed friend but she's inloved with other girl. I have open marriage and it's easy for me to pursue romantic interest but I do not. Simply bcoz I know that she's not into me. So I'm just her ever loyal confidant who's loving her from a distance. And like your friend, I limit my contacts to her. It sucks but that's life.
     
  12. Kat99

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    Thanks for the response! I think that it's safe to say that there's no friendship here. I'm over it, time to move on.