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I'm STILL thinking about it... What IS this?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Benway, Jan 26, 2020.

  1. Benway

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    Every day now it's crossing my mind. "Am I transgender?" Or "Do I just believe I'm transgender when I'm not?" This is starting out like when my homosexuality started out, sort of. It was a slow burn that built up to a fire. I know I feel like some sort of woman. I just don't know what to do with those feelings. I remember in high school, I thought about transitioning before I had to murder that thought because I thought it was bad enough that I was attracted to guys. The only person I ever told about that was my father, who wrote it off as hormones.

    But now it's back. I'm 32 and I'm thinking about it all the time and I don't know what I should do. There's a female to male transgender person I know that I could reach out to, for advice. Is that a wise idea? But on the other hand if I am transgender, I'm a male to female transgender person. I know I like the feel of women's clothes, blouses, skirts, yoga pants, panties on my skin. But does that make me transgender? I have an urge to look in the mirror and see someone else, someone with more festive hair and maybe even makeup. I don't know.

    What do I do? What am I? What the hell is going on? Why can't I stop thinking about this? What's wrong with me?
     
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  2. gravechild

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    It sounds like you might be confusing expression with gender. There are plenty of gay men I'll say have me jealous with how naturally... femme they are. Hell, some can even be mistaken for being women! Make no mistake, they're all man, and will be the first to tell you so.

    When you say "transitioning", what does that mean? I would reach out, definitely. Even if you aren't, you'll walk away more knowledgeable and possibly a new friend.
     
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  3. Crisalide

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    Nothing :3

    If you suppress the feeling, it will grow bigger and make you obsess over it. It's easier to be said than done, but let the feeling flow. Idk, try to change your look alone in your room, for one day, and see what it feels like. Maybe you like to crossdress, OR that's a sign of a deeper need. Who knows. Who knows if it's feeling female or feeling feminine.
     
  4. Benway

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    When I say transitioning, I'm talking about taking hormones and maybe breast implants. I don't mean to sound transphobic, but I don't think I could ever go through with a vaginoplasty-- I know a lot of trans people don't, but for me it just seems like too extreme a step for me. Who should I reach out to? I just joined a transgender support forum separate from this one (I won't name it because I think that's against EC's TOS) and I'm about to make my first post there but I'm so freaking confused about myself. I don't think it's a matter of crossdressing in my case, I think it's the urge to change, like a caterpillar changes into a butterfly. I know that sounds a little creepy but I don't know what to say.

    I successfully suppressed the feeling for fifteen years. I thought about transitioning in high school, but I didn't. My Dad more or less talked me out of it if I remember correctly. But now I think that if I had transitioned in high school, I'd have been much more ambitious. But you know what they say about hindsight, so I guess I could be wrong. Maybe I'm just a weirdo who likes the feel of silk panties against my junk, or maybe I'm experiencing something long suppressed inside of me for fear of being an even bigger outsider than I already am. I didn't explore my sexuality with the same sex until I was 28 years old. I don't want to be 50 and regretting not being a woman.
     
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  5. Hawk

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    If you don't have a therapist, I'd start there and explain to them your thoughts. This could just be that you prefer a more feminine expression, and I recommend experimenting with this by trying more feminine clothes, maybe growing your hair out, and in general try living as a woman before you consider starting any sort of medical transition. If you feel uncomfortable with this, then it's most likely that you'd just prefer a more feminine expression. As gravechild said, there are plenty of men who are more feminine, and vice versa with masculine women.
     
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  6. Benway

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    I do have a therapist. She thinks my desire to be a heterosexual woman is me running from my own homosexuality. She said that it's because I loathe my own homosexuality so much (which I do!) that I'd rather live life as a heterosexual woman than confront my own issues with my homosexuality. She makes a good point. I do find being a homosexual man detestable at times. So maybe that's what's going on here, I'm not sure. I have a deep-seeded internalized homophobia that's particularly hard to shake because of how mistreated I was by members of my own circle who were homosexual or claimed to be homosexual. So there's that.
     
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  7. Hawk

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    To me, it doesn't sound like there's an issue of gender identity, but rather the internalized homophobia. But again, if this is something that you're thinking about, try living as female, change your external expression to match what you feel inside (if inside you feel like a woman). But to me, it doesn't sound like there's any gender dysphoria and you need to focus on the internalized homophobia with your therapist.
     
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  8. Benway

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    That's probably exactly what it is. I hate myself so freaking much that I'd rather be a heterosexual woman than a homosexual man.
     
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  9. Mihael

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    Well, after all, the boundary between non-binary gender (like a feminine gay man who doesn’t feel male) and being transgender is more fluid than many would want to think. It’s your decision what you end up doing about all this. Nobody will go inside your head and tell if it’s really internalised homophobia or your own feeling of not enjoying being a gay man. If it turns out to be a mistake to transition, well, you have to take that scenario into account. We all do. I hope you find out more on that other website, which I deduce is more frequented by trans people than this one, and that experimentation makes those things clearer too. Good luck.