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I'm ready to message my ex again...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Skaros, Sep 13, 2020.

  1. Skaros

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    So my ex broke up with me on July 31st. I've since established no contact so I can focus on myself and heal. I did establish that I might want space, but he was still under the impression that we'd check in with eachother once a day. I basically starting leaving him on read after a few days when he'd send small messages on Snap. I felt that if he could break my heart, I shouldn't feel guilty about being a little rude by not responding for the sake of myself. Afterall, he's the one that decided we're better off friends, not me.

    I've made a few very positive changes in my life, such as finding a nice new therapist! I feel good about myself and have been pretty consistent about it! I even feel like I've gotten a new found confidence in myself that I haven't experienced in a while :slight_smile: I've gone through the phases of grief and am now basically at the phase of acceptance and hope, where I feel like I can be an individual who doesn't need to depend on someone else to support me emotionally.

    However, I still feel like reconciliation is possible. We had a relationship that was more on the serious side. I actually thought we'd eventually end up married for the last few months of it, because things seemed to be going that way. We would occasionally bring up talk of the future, and it would appear natural and make us feel good. We had issues, but we usually talked through them and we both always made efforts to better ourselves. It seemed like a pretty healthy dynamic overall. He would float the idea of moving to Germany together, but it turned out he was mostly just trying to avoid breaking up by talking about positive things. Looking back, there were definitely issues that we've overlooked. I suppose a breakup is something I should have seen coming. I don't even think breaking up was a mistake. If anything, it is either for the best or something that was needed if we ever wanted any hope of reconciliation.

    He always seemed like he was more into me than I was into him. I struggled to show more affection and seemed to fall into patterns of self pity and lack of self confidence. About a month before the breakup, I think I started realizing the very real chance that he might be considering breaking up with me. So I used that energy to become a lot more happy and hopeful, even going as far as showing a lot more affection. I think the feelings I felt were actually very genuine, especially because they continued after the breakup. I've kept my happiness going and continued to build on myself, so that I truly can be the best version of myself. He seemed to be very worried about me during the breakup, because he thought I'd break down into tears or that I'd self harm afterwards. I didn't do any of that. In fact, he thanked me for being so composed and kept together during the conversation. In a way, I made myself proud because I proved to myself I could handle it. He said during the breakup that he wants me in his life "forever" and that he still sees me as part of his family. I'm not sure how genuine that was, because I couldn't be sure if he was just saying that to ease the pain. Regardless, I'm ready to reconnect with him because I feel like I'll be just as okay without him as I would with him. It's just something I'd like to explore because I genuinely believe there's real potential.

    The last month and a half has been very good for me overall. And I think I can make things right, because I've been actively making real and positive changes in my life :slight_smile:

    It's just such a strange conversation to bring up. I think he knows that I'm the one who chose the distance and that I should be the one to message him when I'm ready, and now that I am ready it almost feels like I have no idea where to start. This is the man that has seen almost every side of me, the man that was more emotionally connected with me than anyone else I know. Is there anything I should maybe consider before reaching out? Should I even consider the possibility of reconciliation? More importantly, I'm not even sure how someone could just be friends with someone who was once a very important romantic partner
     
    #1 Skaros, Sep 13, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2020
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  2. mlansing

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    Personally I think that’s selfish of him to break up with you but also want to contact you every day. I agree with your last statement that it’s difficult to be friends with someone you were romantically involved with, and I’m an advocate of no contact after breakups (at least for enough time to pass for both of you to heal).

    I’m not sure why you feel it’s your job to reconcile when it was his idea to end it. If you had been the one who ended it and realized you made a mistake then this would make more sense, but even then I would urge you to think long and hard about what prompted you to leave in the first place. You say he was more into you than you were into him the whole time, but that is contradicted by the fact that he chose to walk away from you.

    If you are in as good a place emotionally as you say you are, then I would leave this guy in your past where he belongs. Your attitude if someone leaves should be “your loss” rather than “how can I get him back?” Which one do you think is coming from a stronger place?
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I am not sure that I understand your whole dynamic here. Was your relationship abusive? That is the only reason that I see for going no contact and if it was then you should remain in a status of no contact.

    His then continuing to contact you makes sense to me, it is called hoovering when an abusive person tries to reel you in again. It also makes sense that you would wish for a reconciliation, that is part of having been abused.
     
  4. Skaros

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    I should clarify, he was certainly not abusive and certainly had genuine feelings for most of the relationship. A lot of people actually told us they were jealous because we seemed so great for each other. He really didn't want to break up, and he did still express that he really cares about me. I think of him wanting to "keep in touch" as more of him not wanting to let me go rather than keeping me as a "pet" so to speak.

    I do personally think no contact is important regardless of the relationship dynamic. It's always healthy to give yourself space and clear your mind--at least that's the way I see it. Now that I've given myself that time, it just seems like there's issues on my part that I probably should have paid more attention to (such as patterns of self pity and emotional distancing). I actually do think I've been expressing way too much of a lack of self confidence the entire time, which I suppose could wear a romantic partner down overtime. I'm not even beating myself up over it, I just see it as room for improvement.

    I originally sought therapy while we were together, but the therapist I got wasn't really that compatible with me and I didn't really learn a whole lot of useful coping mechanisms for my depression/anxiety. My new therapist, which my ex doesn't yet know I have, seems to be a much much better fit for me. She actually specializes in many of the issues I have been wanting extra help with, so I do see a lot of potential in myself developing a lot more healthy interpersonal relations with other people.

    The fact of the matter is that I am mostly over him, but I still feel like there's a lot of potential to explore given how many positive changes I've recently been making in my life. I've heard of relationship stories where people breakup, and after some time they realize what was wrong and successfully reconcile. As far as I know, I fit that description, which is why I'm still curious about that potential. It's definitely not healthy to bank on the idea of getting back together, but since I'm ready to accept the likelihood that it won't happen, I just don't see why not explore it
     
    #4 Skaros, Sep 14, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2020