I don't really understand trans issues, so I generally keep my mouth shut about them to avoid sounding ignorant. It's not my place to question that sort of thing so I usually don't say anything at all. But the other day I woke up with a sadness in my heart that really shook me to my core. Lately I've been in a deep depression, but Saturday morning I was even sadder than usual. I felt like I'd figured something out about myself that really brought me down because there's nothing I can really do about it. I woke up feeling deeply uncomfortable with having a male body, and I felt like the last 31 years of my life had been a total wash because of my being the shitty man I am. See, everyone who encounters me says I act like a woman and that I talk and walk like a woman. I wondered on Saturday morning if things would have been better for me if I had been born a girl and it really sent me down this weird spiral that lasted all day. I don't know if that's what you call "gender dysphoria," or whatever it is, but it's been lingering in the back of my mind for almost a week, now. I have a lot of the mental problems women usually encounter, Bipolar 1 disorder, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder-- all things women are typically treated for but when a man has those problems he's told to "toughen up." I've been trying all my life to toughen up. But all my life I was misdiagnosed with other problems that the barbaric 1990s child psychiatry industrial complex said I had, ADD, ADHD, they pumped me full of amphetamines until I was 24 years old because I wouldn't sit still in school and it took a devastating impact on my psychological condition because the doctors who treated me when I was a child were all too eager to throw me away and then throw a bunch of speed pills at a child who was a little different than his classmates. As I grew older, they put me on antidepressants and anti-psychotics. Now they've taken away my antidepressants because "new studies show" that antidepressants can make my mania worse. I see a social worker every week, a woman, who's also bipolar, and she's on antidepressants and anti-psychotics. I can't help but wonder if I were born a woman if I'd be unconditionally provided the medication I need to function like a proper human being. But it goes beyond that, too. Had I been a woman, changing virtually nothing else about my personality as I believe it would be largely unchanged even if I'd been born a girl, I'd be a heterosexual because right now as it is, I'm a man who has sex with men. I'm always the receptive partner. And I look at myself in the mirror lately and I see someone who should be something else and what drives me crazy about that is that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm not transgender, I'm certainly not going to transition or anything like that because I don't think that's the right thing to do in my case. But in my case I feel like things would be better for me had I been born a woman. I'm not saying all my problems would be solved if I were a girl, but I think things would make a lot more sense if I were born a cisgender woman. I don't know. I don't know anything about transgender issues and I've probably just made an ass out of myself by writing this down. Like I said, I can't say anything for certain about these sorts of things without seeming ignorant.