I don't really know many people who are trans or otherwise and so have no one to talk to about my questions. My whole life I have always been more boyish than the other girls. I was in baseball (I refused to play softball) and loved your 'typical' male shows. However I also liked girl shows and activities sometimes too. Being older I am beginning to struggle with my gender identity. I hate my breasts and catch myself wishing I could just shave my hair on my head off. I don't want a penis and the thought of having one is just werid. Many times I wished I was born a man but I don't know if that is because of societal pressures or not. I hate dresses and skirts and feel uncomfortable in them. Somedays, few and far between, I feel 'girlish' and will wear more feminine clothing. I relate and to males much more than females and sometimes even catch myself talking about women as if I'm not one. Im so utterly confused and I really hope that someone can help me on here.
Thaaat... It's what many transgender people experience. You have to see for yourself how deep the rabbit hole goes. I also felt this way, and it turned out that my whole social funciotning was hindered, because of this. I noticed in middle high that puberty went wrong and when I was supposed to grow out of my not-so-feminine tendencies, I didn't, at all. I noticed I have a "male brain". I was going through all the things boys were experiencind and it made little sense since I was a girl and was supposed to go through the girl things, which I didn't, other girls were like a different species. I never really talked about it, and didn't realise it had any impact on my life until last year.
The genders are reversed in my case, but the overall feeling is the same. Starting in high school, I had felt that I didn't fit in with my male peers. I didn't think much of it at first since it didn't encompass all of them, but my feelings grew much stronger in college. I had a strong feeling that I didn't belong with the men, and I felt like a woman. It never occurred to me what that really meant, or what an impact it would have on my life later on. After discovering the truth, I couldn't stand being a man any longer and am transitioning currently.
Okay, well, most of this is about gender expression not gender identity. Wanting short hair, refusing to wear dresses, enjoying 'masculine' sports, etc. Everyone has a mix of masculine and feminine tendencies so that doesn't really mean anything. Hating breasts can be a sign of being trans but it's hard to tell because it can also be quite common with cisgender girls. Do you want to be called a 'he" or a male name? Do you want things like body hair, an Adam's apple, a deeper voice? If you were the only person in the world, with no one around to perceive you as female, would you still feel a desire to be male?
Thats the thing though my female friends are call me dude or guy all the time as a nickname. The problem is that is feel natural to be called it however I don't really have issues when my parents says she or her. I've always felt so much more connected with guys and relate more with them. As for hair well I have this condition called hirsutism and so I naturally have more hair than the average female. I'm pretty sure the condition stresses my mom out more than me. She always trying to shave my chin and it's annoying at times how much she begins it up. It makes me feel uncomfortable. The thing is I don't seen a reason to shave it when it just grows more back. She worried about me being teased as she knows I had a really bad depression period during my middle school years. As for my breasts I honestly get annoyed and irritated whenever I look at them. I truely hate them as they are ugly and get in the way of doing things like everyone else. I can't run the way I use to because I have these large mountains on me! Honestly I have imagined waking up and finding them gone and honestly it was one of my best dreams. I have heard people say that they feel an almost out of body like sensation sometimes but that is hard for me to tell if I can relate because I'm trans or because of lingering effect from my depression.
This quote sounds a lot like I feel honestly. I have female friend and I noticed that I didn't really fit in among them as well as the guys. I have never been 'one of the girls' and the thought seems alien to think about. In middle school and still now I struggle trying to find where I fit in among them and I can't really do that. I'm not really a tomboy though because that doesn't really fit me either. I do love playing sports like baseball and soccer but I can't really watch them (well sometimes I'll watch baseball games). It creates this odd sense of medium that is ripping me apart. I feel as if I don't really fit anywhere at times because of these small little things.
