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I'm in love

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lovestruck, Sep 29, 2021.

  1. lovestruck

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    I'm in love with my best friend. I started developing feelings for her about 6 years ago. Thing is she is straight. I thought I was straight until her. Now I'm not sure what I am. I confessed my feelings to her about 5 years ago. She has never really said whether she feels the same or not. She has a bf of 10 years.

    We are very close and I have tried creating space between us on multiple occasions but it never lasts long. We always find ourselves back to being the very best of friends. I get the feeling that she is in love with me too but she is afraid to say it. The situation is very frustrating but I never force her to make a choice.

    I guess I don't know how to remove myself from the situation. I value her friendship tremendously but I need to protect my heart. I'm tired of feeling less than and constantly rejected by her. I've tried to move on by seeing other people and going out more but my heart sees only her.
     
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  2. Lemony

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    I’m somewhat in a similar spot. I’m in love with my friend...she lives interstate and we just reconnected after 3 years. I reached out to her. She is bi too but has a bf. I have told her that I have feelings for her and just I feel stuck. I think she may like me a bit too but I will never really know. We had photos from our time together right in reach after 3 years.... I think we are meant to be just not now.

    I’m here for you. Love hurts. It really does.
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I am sorry that you are in this situation. Unrequited feelings are pretty common, in fact I am surprised that any two people actually find each other.

    I have underlines the parts that I feel are important and that you really should pay attention to.

    I am sorry but I think that it is likely that you are projecting. Even if you are not projecting and she does have feelings for you, she is in a relationship that has lasted a long time. Would you really feel good about yourself if you broke up a solid long lasting relationship? (I hope not, it would say some pretty sad things about you if that is what you want to do) You have told her how you feel and yet she has never returned those feelings, she has stayed in her long lasting relationship with a man.

    She is straight, it is unfair for you to see her not being interested in a relationship with a woman as a personal rejection. Especially as she has remained your friend even after you confessed your feelings for her.

    I think that you should probably get into therapy (really nearly everyone can benefit from therapy) and try to work out why you are so invested in an unavailable person.
     
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  4. lovestruck

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    Thanks Lemony and QuietPeace.

    I really don't think I'm projecting. I'm not trying to destroy her relationship. At this point I think I'm seeking validation from her that what I feel between us is real. I want her to acknowledge that I haven't been fabricating what has been happening between us. For some reason that validation is important to me.

    I have always been very honest with her as she is my best friend. I told her I'm not trying to destroy her relationship. I genuinely love her and want her to be happy even if that's not with me. What is the definition of being straight? I was straight until I developed feelings for her. Now I don't even know what I am. I am not attracted to any other females, just her.

    I think it's not as easy as saying she isn't straight why are you torturing yourself. There are other factors at play. We both originally come from a very homophobic country. I have since moved but she is still in that environment. It just would not be acceptable but I don't think that's the problem.

    I agree that I have to find a way to move on and I have attempted countless times. We somehow find ourselves talking again. It's a very dangerous cycle.
     
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  5. QuietPeace

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    Really?

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heterosexuality
     
  6. lovestruck

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    You clearly took that literally. I was posing the question not to get the definition but in a rhetorical sense but thanks for the definition.
     
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  7. Lemony

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    I agree. I mean I was “straight” till I met this girl and she opened the door for me to discover who I am and at the time she was “straight” too and is bi also. But being in a long relationship can mean unfortunately she is just straight
     
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  8. BiGemini87

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    I can relate a bit to what you're going through. It's difficult to have feelings for someone that you feel so close to, but who is otherwise out of your reach. You love them, and because you love them you want them to be happy, even if that means they aren't with you.

    It doesn't erase the pain, though. Heartache is difficult to overcome; I think all you can do is lay all the cards out for her, and hope it gives you closure. Let her know how you feel, but also that you won't impede her happiness. That all you want to know is whether she feels the same, and whether she does or doesn't, you will respect her feelings. That her friendship is the most important thing, and you don't want anything to hurt that.

    I know it's scary to put yourself out there--but the pain of uncertainty from never knowing, and the regret of never speaking up can be so much worse.

    Take your time if you need to. It's a big step, and thus deserves some thought. I hope, if/when you broach the subject, things go well.
     
  9. lovestruck

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    Thanks BiGemini87,

    I have come to grips with the fact we won't be together but for some reason I want her to tell me that the way I haven't been making up the way I have been feeling. I know she has feelings for me and is afraid to admit it. I just want to know that I haven't been making up this stressing connection I feel. I don't know if you understand me but I hope so.

    I'm also not interested in breaking up her relationship. I really do want her to be happy. Whatever that looks like for her but I think I just need that validation to move on. I haven't completely stopped my life for her. I'm not sitting at home waiting for her to come around or to change.

    Infact she does show signs of jealousy when I go out. She always wants to know how far things progress on my dates. She does show a lot of signs of jealousy.

    I guess you're right. I just have to ask her directly.
     
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  10. GrumpyOldLady

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    I found the only way to get rid of a crush is to let go of any idea or fantasy of something happening. That will probably hurt and you'll need to go through the grieving process depending on how far it's gone and that takes time.

    I would suggest putting some distance between you if you can, keeping up too much intensity will make it harder to let go. Also, if you were truly friends with her before and care about her as a person, it might help to remember that having a crush is fundamentally a selfish thing because it's all about you and your feelings which makes it hard to be a good friend.

    If you can, it's a good idea to talk to her about it because it might help you get closure which will help you let go but keep in mind that the conversation might not go the way you'd like it to and you have to be prepared for that.
     
  11. lovestruck

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    Thanks GrumpyOldLady. I appreciate the advice. We've been through all the stages already. The separation, the no communication. We've been through it all. I've been pretty open with her about how I'm feeling. It's definitely way less intense for me now than before but that's partly because I've decided that her happiness should come first.

    While I think I am holding on to an idea of us being together she also does things that don't help. She sends suggestive pics of herself all the time. I've asked her to stop and she says ok but then send them anyway. When I go out with someone she will stop talking to me for a day or two.

    It seems like she is afraid to tell me how she feels and that is the part I am struggling with. I have no realistic expectation of us being together.
     
  12. GrumpyOldLady

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    It sounds like you've come pretty far in letting it go but as long as there's that little sliver of hope the crush isn't gone yet. It's so easy to read what you want into someone's behavior and reactions but her behavior probably has nothing to do with you or she might act that way with most of her friends. It's not uncommon for friends not to talk to each other every day or to skip a couple of days and suggestive pics could just be the way she communicates with all of her friends.

    I'm in the process of letting go of a crush on a friend myself, it's really hard to do while still maintaining a friendship with someone but there were definitive stages of it including the "for her happiness" stage. The fact is that it's hard to be a real friend as long as you're infatuated with someone, it will come between you because you're not going to feel 100% comfortable around her and not going to see her clearly for who she is.
     
  13. lovestruck

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    You're absolutely right on everything you've said. I have been though it all. I have also exhausted talking about my feelings with my friend. I also told her that our friendship will always suffer because it's one sided. We've also tried the separation thing multiple times and would last a few months but we always find our way back to each other.

    As I said before I am not sitting around waiting for her. I do go out and I do live my life. I was at the stage where I couldn't function without her but now I'm learning to let go slowly. The process is slow but I'm getting there. Compared to a year ago I am like a different person. So much growth and acceptance has happened.

    Definitely in the back of my mind I do have a little hope that she will come around but I know it's not likely. It's been a rough journey into reality.
     
  14. GrumpyOldLady

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    The thing about crushes is that there's all these hormones involved, it's kind of like a drug in a way but if you can get yourself to the point where you feel it's resolved one way or the other the hormones will settle down. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog these days and can see more clearly... I'll admit that my friend helped a lot by being frank with me about how my obsession with her was affecting our friendship (that's one of the reasons I like her lol) but not everyone is capable of that and some people subconsciously enjoy having someone admire them even if they have no intention of returning the feelings.

    The thing is...if she were really interested she would have done something by now because she knows you are interested. Even if she's in the closet and in denial she obviously doesn't want to change that right now and it's not your job to convince her to come out, it doesn't really seem like there's much chance of things happening in a way that is healthy for either of you.

    I think this is probably a good sign...it means you've reached the anger stage of the grieving process. It's good you're able to be open with her and you're still talking to each other.
     
  15. lovestruck

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    Got you GrumpyOldLady. You have said nothing wrong. I guess I kind of feel bad because my next intention is to get away from her. I feel bad about it but think it's necessary for my overall health and healing. She is my best friend and I feel bad doing that to her. We have tried already and it never usually lasts long but I am determined this time so I can move forward with my life. I don't want to be mean. I just want to be at peace.
     
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  16. silverhalo

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    Hey @lovestruck I am sorry you are still struggling with this but at the same time it sounds really promising that you feel like you are making progress. Whilst it is really hard, just because you didnt quite get to the place you wanted to be last time you tried to distance yourself doesnt mean it cannot work this time. After all you said yourself you are in a different place mentally.
     
  17. silverhalo

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    Definitions of sexualities is complicated really, I mean there are so many factors involved. On paper you are straight if you are only attracted to the opposite sex, gay if you are attracted to the same sex and bi if you are attracted to both. Society however makes us straight until proven otherwise and whilst for some this is apparent at an early age, for others it takes a certain someone or situation to make us realise this.
     
  18. lovestruck

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    Hey silverhalo, nice to hear from you. I feel loads better mentally. A lot of that struggle I had previously is gone. It still affects me but it doesn't eat away at me the way it did before. I try to give myself credit for making it this far. I feel like I am almost where I need to be. Just have to stay focused.
     
  19. silverhalo

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    Nice to hear an update from you. You should definetly give yourself massive credit, when you are in the middle of a tough journey it can be a really hard thing to do because however far you have come it feels like you are still not where you want to be. Looking back at how far you have come can be a great source of motivation to keep going though. I am sure that there would have been times in the past where you wouldnt have believed you would get to where you are now.
     
  20. lovestruck

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    I've started separating myself from her more and more and I guess her way of dealing with that is to send me pics of herself in very little clothing which is a big deal for her. She is never like that. I'm wondering what kind of games she is playing.

    It doesn't matter. I'm very focused on doing what I need to do to ensure my well being. The minute she sees me trying to be happy without her she is trying to manipulate things. Smh