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I'm hopelessly in love with a straight guy

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by shas, May 15, 2017.

  1. shas

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    I dont know what to do anymore... So I met this guy at university roughly two years ago. At that time, I didn't know I was gay, but he was my first crush. I had never been sexually attracted to anyone up until that point, but when we talked, I felt like something inside me had opened up that has never been there before. I've since accepted that I'm gay and after that, I got over him and just thought of him as "the one who started it".

    We have been close friends basically since the beginning, but nothing more than that. I never tried to make a move on him, because I know he's straight and because he doesn't know I'm gay. Everything was fine - until last week.

    Our student group spend one week on vacation in another country and I had a room with him - only him. I don't know if it had something to do with seeing him almost naked (he's really hot), but suddenly, I fell for him again. I never thought this would happen since I was sure I was over him. Another problem is that he's very sweet in general - he buys me things without taking my money back, he borrowed me some of his clothes because I forgot mine and so on. He's just a nice person (not only to me, but to anyone really). I also asked him if it was a problem for him to sleep together with me in one bed, but he said there's nothing wrong unless I don't feel uncomfortable... (and I obviously didn't - cause I had the chance to sleep beside him...)
    For over a week now, I'm trying to act normal around him, but I feel like I'm not doing a good job xD.

    I love him, but I know I shouldn't. It can never be. It's simple biology - I can't love women and he can't love men.
    I'm afraid to do something stupid (touch him or kiss him etc.) because I don't want to lose him as a friend. Any advice? Should I just try to forget him? Or should I tell him about my sexuality/feelings and be honest?

    (Sorry if this is a bit messy, I'm very emotional right now....)
     
    #1 shas, May 15, 2017
    Last edited: May 15, 2017
  2. Zoneingout

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    I'm Sorry but you actually messed up your chances in even telling him and not having a bad reaction. You slept with the guy and now are wanting to possibility tell him your sexuality and he is straight that won't go over well. I'm probably going to get shot on this site for telling you the blunt truth but that's how it is and your best bet is to 1: not sleep with him or do anything to him. and stay friends and if you do tell him well, DONT tell him any time soon ^_^; until that's long gone because it may freak him out.
     
  3. Fishtail

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    Write all you feelings in a letter to him but don't give/send it - burn it afterwards.
    Or record you throughs and delete it, it will help to give you feelins an outlet.
    Repeat whenever your feelings bubbles up again.

    Mayby take a distance from him and spend more time with others, find a new or pick up a old hobby.
    Hoping these suggestion are a bit useful :slight_smile:
     
  4. shas

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    (Just to be clear, I didn't have sex with him, I just shared a bed with him)

    Thank you two for your responses. I'm still very confused.. Unfortunately, I'm not able to dodge him or avoid spending time with him. If I would, he would notice and ask me about it. We are really good friends and we hang out all day at university and we're in almost every group together. He also asked me today, if I would go to the cinema with him....

    On the one hand, I want to tell him that I'm gay and apologize for not telling him earlier, but I can definitely see where you two are coming from. It's just a lot harder than it sounds to keep my mouth shut and be quiet about it
     
  5. Quantumreality

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    Hey shas,

    I have to disagree with the previous posters. If your crush on him is so strong that you can't get him out of your mind, I would say that you'd be better off working towards getting some closure and moving on from him. The course of action that I would recommend is that you Come Out to him IF you think you can trust him with your secret. If he no longer wants to be your friend simply because of your sexual orientation, that's his problem, but there is nothing you can really do about that. However, he sounds like a good guy and the way you describe him, he doesn't seem to be the type to hold your sexual orientation against you. If you are unsure about his reaction, you could possibly just bring up LGBTQ issues that happen to be in the news or make something up that 'came up' in one of your classes and see what his reaction is.

    I wouldn't recommend that you also tell him about your crush on him at the same time that you Come Out to him unless he takes your Coming Out very non-nonchalantly or, better yet, he is very supportive of you. If your Coming Out doesn't phase him at all, then you could consider telling him about your crush on him. If you don't get such a clear reaction from Coming Out to him, I would recommend that you give him time to process what you told him before you tell him about your crush.

    Once you are able to tell him about your crush on him, you should be able to start getting some closure. You may have to spend some significant time away from him in order to get your emotions back in check, but at least you will be able to be open and honest with him about why you are suddenly acting strangely or differently towards him.

    OBTW, if you Come Out to him, DON'T apologize for not telling him earlier. Your sexual orientation is very personal and private information. You are not under any obligation to tell anyone else and certainly no point at which you 'had' to tell him before. In fact, there is no requirement that you even tell him now. I'm just saying...

    Just my thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
    #5 Quantumreality, May 19, 2017
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
  6. quebec

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    shas...OK, yeah this is a tough one. A couple of things to think about.... 1) You did nothing inappropriate in any way. You have nothing at all to feel guilty about. 2) Being gay is not a choice...it's who you are AND when you met him you did not realize that you were gay. 3) You had nothing to do with the arrangements that put the two of you in a room together. 4) If he really is a good friend then he will accept you....if he does not then he really wasn't a good friend.

    OK....now to tell him or not. Coming out to someone is always your choice. It is a very private thing that others have no right to know unless you choose to tell them. If you feel that as a good friend you would like to tell him and that he could be a support for you then be all means tell him. However...the odds are high that if you tell him he will ask you if you are attracted to him. Will you lie or tell the truth? If you don't feel like you can lie and you don't feel like you can tell him the truth...then that becomes a pretty good reason not to tell him.

    Take some time to sit down and think this through. Even consider writing down what you would say to him if you came out and what you would say to him if he asked you if you were attracted to him. What you find yourself writing may very well give you the answer to your questions. This is your first crush and they can be pretty intense, so try to look at things logically instead of emotionally. (I know that will be tough - but give it a shot). As I said, you are the one who makes the choice about who you will tell. A little forethought may help you avoid something that you will regret later....that's not to say don't tell him, just give it some serious thought first! Good luck.....David
     
  7. Fishtail

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    I see it's harder than my straight crush was; it was the same situation except the friendship thing.
    But why not sometimes say "I don't have time, my parents/siblings/grandparents need help whit
    moving stuff/buying grocery/visiting family members" when you feel like it't too much to spend time together?

    What keeping you back telling him you are gay? If he don't like you anymore because of this,
    he was never you friend from the beginning.
     
  8. Fishtail

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    (continuing my post)
    I mean you country is LGBT safe, right (you location says europe)?
    And true friends understand that sharing something that's a big part of youself is scary and
    difficult to say out loud; and won't hold it against you for not telling sooner.

    It's okay if he need some time to have it sunk in/think about it.

    Wish you good luck and hope his reaction will be positive :smilewave
     
  9. Tomás1

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    I mostly agree w Quantumreality however … the healthiest way is to be honest & transparent w him, at the same time not gushing over him. Simply tell hm you're gay, & u like him!

    The most important thing is for u to get out of the box you're in w him. Be honest, let the chips fall where they may. Tell him what u like about him. Don't have any expectations. I say don't gush because it can be offsetting, push him away … & is the result of a build up of your emotions wo an outlet. Good luck.
     
  10. shas

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    Thanks to all of you for your kind answers! I'm really happy to get some advice. I will think this through thoroughly. I'm not really sure what to do tbh, as I said I kind of want to tell him just to get him out of my mind. I like him as a friend and he's very important to me and I want to be honest.

    @fishtail Yes, my country is lgbt-safe and there is no problem being gay.

    That's my biggest concern, but since I'm usually a very rational person I think I would tell him about my attraction. However, it's not that easy and I will do it when I feel safe and when we're alone. It may take some time, but I'm positive I can do it.

    Once again, thank you all. I can't respond to everyone, but you helped me a lot. I will keep you guys updated, even if it might take a while :slight_smile: