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I'm having a hard time

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by MS001, May 21, 2016.

  1. MS001

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    Well, I came out a couple of months ago and everything was progressing along and then something snapped and now I am super embarrassed about being gay and scared of lesbians again. :frowning2: to top it off, I am going to this multi-day event next week for queer women. So I will be surrounded by lesbians. I am dreading it! I have to go, I have no choice. It will probably be good for me and I'll probably get over this hump of internalized homophobia (maybe...I hope). But, ugh, I am having a really hard time right now.
     
  2. Really

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    Oh, no!
    Do you know what caused the "snap"?
    Thinking logically, what is the difference in your life right now as compared to before the "snap"? I'm guessing very little, in reality, yes?
    You're still the same go-get-'em type of person, right? Why do the lesbians scare you? They should be scared of you! Haha. Just kidding. You are free to share as much or as little about yourself when you go to this event. Nobody will know anything about you except that you're some flavour of gay, I guess, but other than that, you are in charge of letting people in or not.
    You're still my hero, by the way.
    (There will be a report upon your return, I hope. :wink:)
     
  3. YeahpIdk

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    Haha, I like that.

    This can happen! It's not easy to be rainbow cookie amongst a bunch of oreos (I really need to stop with the metaphors). You stand out more, you're different, and then you have to acknowledge that you're not like everyone else, and that's scary as heck! We all just want to fit in, right? Plus having to share your sexuality with others has a two fold effect: you tell people because you want to, and are proud to, freely date whomever you damn well please - and it will probably be a girl, so heads up, people around me! And then it's like everyone gets to know your intimate details. In my opinion, they get to know too much. Now they'll know I like to have sex with women, and this makes someone think of me sexually because that's what being a lesbian is, having a sexual, romantic relationship with a woman. Being straight, no one would care, it would be a fact of their normal lives and unquestionable. So, after coming out, you're probably just feeling super vulnerable. If you're not, ignore me - but that's what it sounds like, and it's totally justified! You need to move past it though. You're out, it's over and done with, now be a lesbian (you were the one having an issue with that word, right?).

    You may be scared to go to this event right now -- which I think you should talk about here. Why are you dreading it? What's that inner critic saying to you?? -- but I think you're going to have a BLAST. You will meet people like yourself, where you can be yourself, and the only vulnerability will be flirting with some hot chicks, which you totally don't have to do if you're not up to it. Take it out of your head that you're going to an event for LGBTQ+, and just imagine that you're going to an event, that's actually all it is! Everyone is a regular person just like you, who is maybe scared to go because they just came out. You'll just happen to be around like-minded people. Do you like butterflies? Pretend it's a butterfly convention and everyone there is not seething with gay, but are all just interested in butterflies (feel free to put in whatever thing you happen to like other than butterflies).

    Tell us about this event! You are going to be fine. I bet you'll be more than fine. (*hug*)
     
  4. Adray

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    I can totally identify with the vulnerability issue. Today was my first PrideFest, and I wasn't sure what to expect. It was awesome, though. So many nice people, I felt at home. Hugs and best wishes, just go and be you, they'll love ya.
     
  5. MS001

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    I have been super busy and haven't had much time for social media lately. I saw my gay affirmative therapist and she was helpful and tried to encourage me to embrace the experience. But omg I am getting super homophobic in the literal sense of the word. Like I am afraid of gay people. And seeing photos of queer women or having to interact with them in person makes me super tense and repulsed and makes my stomach turn. Just the thought of sex is like, ugh, horrifying. And I am dreading this event to the nth degree. I have no idea what sparked this snap. Maybe I will feel better once I'm there or maybe it will fucking suck and be super hard. I don't know. Fuck. This totally sucks and I don't feel comfortable talking about this with anyone but my therapist.

    Because I'm super science I looked at some of the psych journals that cover sexuality to see if I could find a case study or something I could relate to. I couldn't. If I could find like a book or something to explain what is happening to me and like gave me some room to think it through that would help. Suggestions?
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    Whoa! Those thoughts are shitty for the soul. I feel like I can relate a bit though.

    This is definitely internalized homophobia. Would you be repulsed by the thought of gay people normally? Please keep in mind, you do not need to have sex or look for a relationship of any kind when you go to this event. Take some pressure off of yourself. Are you an over analyzer or have OCD, even mild, or even just traits of OCD? I don't have OCD, but I definitely have some characteristics sometimes -- I feel like what you're doing it going into that, shoving bad thoughts into your head and replaying them in obsessive ways. If I'm wrong, ignore that. This can even happen just because you're in a crisis mode from being overwhelmed, not an actual form of OCD.

    What were you looking at, and what would you like to see if there's anything? You want literature about internalized homophobia, freaking out about your sexuality after revealing it, or literature about being gay and how that works scientifically? I can't promise I'd find any, just wondering what you're referring to.

    Also, have you looked at Ruby Rose or someone you crush on? That might help relax you. Looking at Ruby Rose just makes me happy period, so...Do you follow any lesbians on YouTube? I think it would be GREAT for you to check out some people. Like Shannon and Cammie (who unfortunately broke up :frowning2:), Rose and Rosie, Hannah Hart, Ingrid Nilsen, so many others. I find that when I felt like you do now, it was because I couldn't connect to anyone that I understood as gay. It was all stereotyping though. When I see Rose and Rosie, or Ingrid, they're fem like me and I can connect and realize...this is what other lesbians look like. This is what I look like. It's okay to feel the way I do.