It took me some time, but some years ago I eventually admitted it to myself: I'm gay. I just can't deny it. I'm not curious, I'm not bi, and romancing women only made me feel wrong and wish I was different. However, I do not know what to do now. I'm 23, I'm getting "old" :\ When I admitted to myself I am gay, I thought it was not a problem since I had no prejudices against gay people. Lately, however, I've realized I am not happy of being gay. I wish I wasn't. Apparently I haven't accepted it yet, and I am uncomfortable when I feel something towards another guy. I still wish I could have a relation with a woman. I've been in love with women and it was just painful for both parts, because I could not give them the full relation they deserved and eventually I broke up awkwardly. Nobody knows I'm gay, and I do not feel like telling anyone because: 1. I want to be able to forget about it during my everyday life 2. I fear my interactions with friends and family would change I still live with my parents and my brother, and telling them about my sexuality would make everything quite awkward since we have to spend a lot of time together. Since I do not live on my own I have no chances to frequent gay bars/clubs. I do not know any gay boys. In Italy few come out of the closet, and when they do, many change the way they dress and act to reflect that (probably to compensate the fact that Italian society is quite homophobic). I feel comfortable with being/dressing/acting like I do now, and I do not want others to question my masculinity just because I am attracted to other males. I feel very lonely and that makes me get a crush towards every new male friend I make, which is kinda pathetic (also because I know they're all straight and engaged). I've been throught that countless times and it's just painful. I'm tired of suffering, also because I know I develop these feelings only because I feel lonely as heck (I'd probably fall for anybody. If I wait long enough, the crush will simply go away). I've made a new friend recently, who is in a relation with a girl, and I fell for him in a matter of days. We have much in common and I'm trying not to fuck things up because I value his friendship and I don't want to look awkward. I try to control my emotions and to act normal, even though it's hard and stressful. Being close to him is bittersweet and being apart hurts, and I do not want to feel any of this. I am ashamed of this, I do not want it. Sorry for the long post, these things have been bottled up for a while now. What can I do to be happy again? Are you facing a similiar situation? Have you ever felt like being gay didn't really fit your idea of yourself? What was your journey to self-acceptance (if you accepted yourself, that is)? How do you deal with straight crushes you do not want to loose as friends?