It took me some time, but some years ago I eventually admitted it to myself: I'm gay. I just can't deny it. I'm not curious, I'm not bi, and romancing women only made me feel wrong and wish I was different. However, I do not know what to do now. I'm 23, I'm getting "old" :\ When I admitted to myself I am gay, I thought it was not a problem since I had no prejudices against gay people. Lately, however, I've realized I am not happy of being gay. I wish I wasn't. Apparently I haven't accepted it yet, and I am uncomfortable when I feel something towards another guy. I still wish I could have a relation with a woman. I've been in love with women and it was just painful for both parts, because I could not give them the full relation they deserved and eventually I broke up awkwardly. Nobody knows I'm gay, and I do not feel like telling anyone because: 1. I want to be able to forget about it during my everyday life 2. I fear my interactions with friends and family would change I still live with my parents and my brother, and telling them about my sexuality would make everything quite awkward since we have to spend a lot of time together. Since I do not live on my own I have no chances to frequent gay bars/clubs. I do not know any gay boys. In Italy few come out of the closet, and when they do, many change the way they dress and act to reflect that (probably to compensate the fact that Italian society is quite homophobic). I feel comfortable with being/dressing/acting like I do now, and I do not want others to question my masculinity just because I am attracted to other males. I feel very lonely and that makes me get a crush towards every new male friend I make, which is kinda pathetic (also because I know they're all straight and engaged). I've been throught that countless times and it's just painful. I'm tired of suffering, also because I know I develop these feelings only because I feel lonely as heck (I'd probably fall for anybody. If I wait long enough, the crush will simply go away). I've made a new friend recently, who is in a relation with a girl, and I fell for him in a matter of days. We have much in common and I'm trying not to fuck things up because I value his friendship and I don't want to look awkward. I try to control my emotions and to act normal, even though it's hard and stressful. Being close to him is bittersweet and being apart hurts, and I do not want to feel any of this. I am ashamed of this, I do not want it. Sorry for the long post, these things have been bottled up for a while now. What can I do to be happy again? Are you facing a similiar situation? Have you ever felt like being gay didn't really fit your idea of yourself? What was your journey to self-acceptance (if you accepted yourself, that is)? How do you deal with straight crushes you do not want to loose as friends?
I feel for you. (Granted, I am thirteen, but I have some [very little] words to say). I’m really not comfortable with my sexuality either, but it’s something that you have to come to terms with. Telling someone makes all the difference. In my experiences, all of the people that I have told have had great reactions to me being gay. I’m not trying to order you to do something, but it really is so cleansing to come out even to one person. Don’t worry, you won’t constantly be thinking about being gay though. Just give that some time. Initially, I did as well, but the more I came out, the less I thought about it, ironically. That was my two cents, but now to the questions: At this point in my life, I’m really not happy much anymore, but the things that do satisfy me simply consist of talking to someone. It is just awful to internalize what you’re going through, and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. I am definitely facing a similar situation. I live in an ultra conservative city where homophobia is prominent, but you’d be surprised how loving people can be. In all of the scenarios where I have come out to someone, they just embraced my homosexuality and honestly didn’t care. Initially, I thought that I was bi and being gay wasn’t for me, but that was because I wanted to satisfy my parents. Just think selfishly, and it just may help you out. I’m still in the process of accepting it, but I am much more comfortable than I was previously. I used to think about being gay like literally all the time, but now that I’m more vocal, I’m much more happy. Holy crud, I get so many crushes, it’s pathetic. Every boy that I’m friends with I’ve had a crush on at some point because I’m literally that big of a mess. One of my great friends, I got a crush on and I felt supremely guilty. To combat this, I just focused on other people that I’m not attached to and naturally, I got a crush. I still feel the need to be with my friend all the time, but at least I’m not romanticizing our relationship. I really hope that what I said helps. I don’t really have much wisdom here because I’m in the same boat with you, but I know that things will clear up sooner or later. (And I wouldn’t come out to your parents until you are financially independent of them.) -Nate
First, I can only suggest that, given how you are comfortable dressing and showing yourself to be a certain way, don't stop dressing and being that way. Whatever other gay Italian men do, you're not them and they're not you. Just because they start dressing and acting a certain way after coming out does not mean you have to. It's true I don't know anything about the Italian LGBT community, but I can tell you that individuality is a thing in most countries, Italy included, I'm sure. You like how you dress and act now? Great. Keep doing that. That's you being yourself and there's nothing wrong with that, gay, straight, or otherwise. As for coming out to your parents, I agree with Naters2000, it's probably best to wait until you have a job and your own place so if they react poorly, you don't have to deal with being thrown out.
Thank you guys for your replies. It feels better to talk about this with somebody. I do plan to come out to my family only when I am indipendent and can pursue romantic relationships with guys, doing it now would bring me no advantages. It's hard because I'm still studying and I won't be able to get a job for quite a while, but waiting is probably the best thing I can do now. As for the crushes, I am confident that the problem will solve itself when I'll be able to meet gay people and start a relation. I am worried because I'm 23 and I've never had a serious relation, but there's little I can do about it for now. @Naters2000 it's impressive how wise you are at your age, you're handling things much better than me Thank you for your words. @Necrose thank you. I do not plan to change a thing about myself (coming out should be about being who you are afterall). However, I wouldn't like others considering me less masculine or expecting me to act in a stereotyped way just because that's what other gay guys do here. It's so annoying how media mainly show stereotyped gay characters. There's another thing that worries me: this year I've started a 3 years art school, where I've met that friend I have a crush on. I'm not sure about continuing it next year, and I fear I might decide to stay only because of the crush I have (BTW he's probably spending next year abroad). I'm trying to understand what I really want, I'd hate to take important decisions about my life based on dumb feelings. I need to know if I just like spending time with my friend or if I like the school as well.
23 is not old 99 is old glad you are thinking about what to do, you are you no matter what you tell others
GotABeard...Wow, 23....you are still so young. You have a lifetime to be happy in and I know that it will work out for you! I came out when I was 64....YES 64! I'm 67 now and I am happier than I have ever been! Generally you have to work at being happy, it rarely just happens. However...you have time! So you can work toward that goal. Yes, right now it sounds like things are difficult for you, but remember, it will not always be that way. ....David
Hi and welcome to EC First of all, as others have said, you are an individual and have no need to change anything about yourself whether you decide to stay in the closet for the time being or gradually come out to a few people. you said that you feel better just talking it through on here, so I was wondering if your new friend could be trusted to keep it to himself if you came out to him?Just having one person know and being able to talk about it can make a huge difference to your own happiness and piece of mind.
Thank you for your replies. @csm123 I have met this friend only a couple of months ago, and coming out to him would be really awkward and most probably make him feel uncomfortable when spending time with me alone. Apart from that, though, the problem is me: I like playing the straight guy because that's what I wish I was. It's like I'm not gay if I ignore it, even though it doesn't work like that at all. Until I have accepted myself I doubt I'll be able to come out to anyone, and I'd love to hear how you guys accepted yourselves after realizing you are gay. I wish there were other gay peers among my friends, so that I could come out to them. Anyways, I guess waiting for the crush to go away is probably the only thing I can do now. Falling for everyone so easily makes me feel both vulnerable and a little bit "slutty", other than really awkward.
Hey GotABeard! Like you, I have this similar self-hatred. It's completely cultural. When you're raised to believe that being gay is wrong; that it's something to be ashamed of; it's of course, something you don't want to be. I've only recently told my Mom - around 4 weeks ago. She is the only person I'm close with that I've told. It was so helpful having someone to vent to. Being able to explain my thought processes was extremely comforting because she understood. In my mind, I didn't believe anyone could. If you can think of anyone in your life - someone you trust and loves you - I would really recommend starting with them. Hopefully someone comes to mind! When it comes to falling for everyone... it's completely normal, of course! You want to be sexually active, that's it! I have to admit, I have used apps and websites to meet up for sex, and kept it very secret. I would much rather not do this - it's embarrassing that I have, to be honest! When it comes to friends, you have to remember that these friends are straight and that they are not an option for you - you're pretty much guaranteeing yourself a broken heart if you let any feelings get too strong. I do relate to this, so I know what it's like! Good look with your journey, GotABeard! I completely relate to your story, so if you want to chat, I'm here!
Thank you for your tips @Matt0612! What's weird is that I've never considered being gay a wrong thing. When I found out I am gay, I was like "Oh okay, no problem" but it wasn't as simple as that. Apparently I am okay with other people being gay, but not myself :\ I agree that it's cultural, hopefully in time it will get better. I have told my therapist I am gay, but we never really talked about how being gay makes me feel. Back then we agreed that staying in the closet until I could move out was the best choice. I do not see my therapist anymore now... The head knows a straight guy is not an option, but the heart apparently needs some time to understand it. BTW the crush thing is getting better now, even though I'm still trying to force myself not to spend with him all the time I can (I don't want to look desperate nor weird). I'm glad these holidays will keep us apart for a while. What scares me more than falling for straight guys is the idea of falling for other gay guys. I don't want to just fall for everyone I know, that would make me feel extremely vulnerable (and a bit slutty). Thanks!
Hey. Firstly changing way you dress or act has nothing to do with being gay. I know that it is commonly seen that way but these things are to do with your personality not your sexuality. And like these things your sexuality is one of many things that defines who you are...and not the sole aspect of your existence I only came out about 6months ago..1 month before I turned 31... I agree with most advice about doing it when your ready to. But I do regret not doing it sooner...when I finally did it I still don't think I was ready or comfortable with it...but once I did it..it did make me accept it more. Unfortunately it's like ripping off a plaster...u just have to say sod it...im doing it! The crazy thing is...all the years of turmoil I went through...once I came out...i realised it was all for nothing. Not one person cared in a negative way. Everyone was fine about it....i have to he honest it took me a month or so to get used to everyone knowing. I still have the occasional butterflies in my stomach if it gets brought up. But it happens less and less and I have to be honest I do feel a lot more calmer about life in general now. Only thing is I do have big regrets about waiting so long...so whilst you should wait untill your ready....dont wait too long... Ps 23 ain't old haha! Well maybe in gay years Pps good luck with it all....if you ever wanna chat feel free to message me on here xx
