I'm gay, but my wife still wants me!

I'm not sure what to say about staying with your wife, I mean it doesn't sound like too good of an idea considering your saying that you will probably have to go through something like this again a few years down the road. She deserves to have someone that loves her as much as she loves them, and that goes for you too. You deserve to be happy with someone that you can feel the same level of passion for.

As for being faithful to your religion, take a look at this if you haven't yet. It has been posted on here a few times and talks about what you are struggling with.


Also, given that a pretty big ex-gay activist was caught cruising a gay hookup app, I wouldn't recommend trying to change your sexuality to anyone. Really I would never recommend something like that to somebody. You just like what you like, don't try and change it.

Hope it all works out for you and best of luck.

 

It has been my experience that gay doesn't go away. It just causes bigger problems down the road for those who pretend otherwise. I am an example of someone who was in denial, tried to bury it, and am now divorcing at 50 years old. The gay will stay, your wife and you will likely have resentment that will spill into other aspects of your life, and you will be in deeper with less time to be true to yourself.

Welcome, by the way. This is the place to talk about these things, that's for sure!

 

First, I notice this is your first post, so welcome! You'll find this is a helpful and friendly site.

Now onto business....

Let's start with the easy thing, which is in #3. Therapy to convert will almost certainly prove to be a worthless waste of time. There are an impressive number of "ex gays" who've reverted to being gay again. You could call them "ex gay gays", I suppose.

As for what God wants, well, that is a debatable issue. I don't need to tell you that a lot of Christians don't approve of gay people. At the same time, though, there are Christians who accept gay people. (There has some discussion here more than once.)

Personally, I am pretty liberal, and consider myself more spiritual than religious. Anyway, personally, I believe I was born the way I am. And the best way of honoring God is to live my life the best I can. I was created a certain way; it's not my place to become that which I cannot become.

As for your wife's want to be "desired," I don't honestly see that happening with you. At least, assuming her vision of desire runs deeper than mere friendship.

What to do? That is ultimately your decision. I see 3 options, and none will meet with 100% approval at this time:

1. Stay with your wife, and stay faithful. But you will probably be sexually frustrated. She will quite likely be frustrated because she isn't desired.
2. Stay with your wife, but have relationships with guys on the side. She likely won't approve of this. Doing this quietly will probably result in massive guilt. Either way, she will still have issues of not feeling desired. You may not feel 100% satisfied, either--you'd get sex, but likely nothing more.
3. Separate. That way, you are both free to get a relationship that will work. Hopefully you will stay friends. But there will be short term pain.

What to do is up to you...I think this is one of those things you can't answer the same way 100% of the time; people and situations vary. There are people in your position here on EC who've ended the marriage, and moved on. But there is at least one active poster who is 100% gay, but is staying married to his wife. She has indicated a willingness for an open marriage.

No matter what you do, my best wishes. This is not an easy situation to go through.

 

Hi Welcome...

being gay/bi doesnt go away... i dont believe it can be cured. i come from a christian background and still believe the bible and ive learned to accept that my attraction to men aint gonna go anywhere...

you cant give her what she needs (to me sex is important in a relationship let alone a marriage) so yeah man... i know its gonna be hard but where a door closes a window opens (something like that... i cant remember how it goes but you know what i mean)

Be Strong Bruz... you'll be okay...

 

The line I've used and probably picked up someplace is "as one door closes, another opens." In any case, no matter how you phrase it, there's truth in that statement. Although I will admit that there are times I lack faith, and fear the closing of a familiar door....

 

Scripture is no excuse to stay closeted;

Gospel of Thomas:
70. Jesus said, "If you bring forth what is within you, what you have will save you. If you do not have that within you, what you do not have within you [will] kill you."

BMC77 gave you a good list above but there is another that is not easy. I put the children first until they were young adults. I created a happy loving home for the benefit of they kids. It is a prison sentence for your sexuality but for me the children were paramount. Not an easy option at all.

 

Honestly, I have to agree that the results will be bad. No one will be happy. Your wife might be happy about some things, but she'd never be desired the way she wants.

For years, I was in a huge state of denial. At times, I thought I'd meet a woman, get married, etc. Even though I had same sex attraction, I thought I could love a woman. I could imagine having sex. But one thing I've come to realize thanks to EC is that yes, I could probably have sex. But I have little interest. No strong desire.

---------- Post added 5th Apr 2013 at 11:15 AM ----------

And also know that struggling with sexual orientation is pretty common here. Spend a couple of weeks on EC, and you'll see lots of people struggling with different issues.

In a way, I should not have any struggles. I don't have anything against being gay. But even so, I have my...bad moments.

 

There's an Option #2B, and that is an open marriage. You can find a boyfriend and your wife can find a boyfriend and everyone's happy. Or, you could both find the same boyfriend.

There are groups for people in mixed orientation marriages. I don't think I can list them here but if you send me a PM, I can send you in the right direction.

 

I am currently in the same situation. We are going to couples therapy and the current state of affairs from my wife is "I want things to go back to the way they were--just stop being gay"--given that this is something I did and hid from her for 16 years after I discovered my same sex attraction this is not really an option for me due to the resentment that has built up even though this was a decision I made my self.

The relief of coming out and the improved communication between us has made this situation difficult but not unmanageable.

Unfortunately, I will need to tell her that continuing the way things were--only now I can't even surf gay porn for relief, is not going to be a workable long term solution and that divorce (even though I still love her) is really the only realistic future path.

 

There are many of us on this site who were/are in marriages/relationships after accepting that we are gay.

I was very much in love with a woman, we had begun planning our life together. I thought I could go into therapy, tie up all the loose ends, and then life would continue on.

I've made wonderful friends through this process, both IRL and at support groups in LGBT centers. They have been my life line to sanity, well being, and being pretty darned happy.

I thought my desires, interests, and exploring were just a normal thing, a phase maybe. Well -- just not so. I was born gay, looking back I always knew something was different, and accepting myself and coming out has been liberating and exhilarating.

You are gay, will always be gay and you were born to be with a man. Its ok. Its normal. Your life will go on.

Hugs.

 

beware of those who say they can "cure" gayness - they think its just a phase that can be wiped out and of course she still wants you she is straight :smilewave she probably wants to know if you're still attracted to her