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I'm gay, and think a closeted friend has tried to come out to me. Any way I can help?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CuriousLiaison, Sep 5, 2016.

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  1. CuriousLiaison

    CuriousLiaison
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    Hi all.

    I'm gay. I came out pretty late at 31, first telling anyone in July 14, and was out to everyone within a year.

    One of my close friends has a best friend who I don't actually know all that well. But my friend has previously told me that from things his friend has said when drunk, and from things he's said when sober, he's 100% certain that his friend is gay, and thinks it's tragic that the guy doesn't seem able to tell anyone this. At least one other person has asked me if I think the guy's gay, this being prompted by his generally trying to dodge questions about whether he found a woman attractive (I recognise that this in itself doesn't necessarily mean anything).

    A couple of days after the first time that my friend had a party after my coming out, his friend, who as I said, I don't know all that well, sent me a message asking if we could meet up for a drink. I was pretty certain that this was going to be him opening up about things to someone he thought would be able to understand, but after four drinks, he didn't say anything.

    When I've told this story to straight people, they've agreed that they think it unlikely for a straight guy to ask out a gay guy he doesn't know for a one-on-one drink. That was a few months ago. I'm thinking I might suggest meeting up with him again soon, but if I do, I don't know if I should avoid the topic completely until he broaches it, or if, after a couple of drinks, I should be a bit more direct and ask him, for example, if he's ever thought he might be gay.

    I get that people need their own time to come out, but in context I think it's quite possible that he wanted to come out before, but didn't quite manage to bring himself to do it.

    Any thoughts?

    Thanks.
     
    #1 CuriousLiaison, Sep 5, 2016
  2. Confusedmoose

    Confusedmoose
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    Re: I'm gay, and think a closeted friend has tried to come out to me. Any way I can h

    It seems to me that he probably was trying to open up, but didn't get the courage to do so. I think if you do meet up with him again just see how it goes. If he doesn't start opening up by himself, perhaps gear the conversation in that direction. Give him a chance to see if he'll say anything by himself when the subject is brought up. Look at how he reacts when the subject is brought up and if it looks like he wants to say something, just make it so that he feels safe to.
     
    #2 Confusedmoose, Sep 5, 2016
  3. CharacterStudy

    CharacterStudy
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    Re: I'm gay, and think a closeted friend has tried to come out to me. Any way I can h

    I agree with Confused moose. You know when you're sitting there and thinking madly, I need to say ...., and you open your mouth and it doesn't quite come out, and you loose the moment, and you think 'next time'.

    How about you open up to him about how you knew you were gay, how you felt, who you fist came out to? Make is casual and chatty, maybe start with a reference to something in a film, or something Trump has said, so it's not completely obvious and accidentally puts pressure on him. If after a while he starts looking like he might be trying to get something out maybe you could prompt him a little. Sometimes phrasing it as "what about you, are you entirely straight?" might be easier to deal with than a frank "are you gay?".

    I was having a little disagreement with someone this week about whether in this day and age in the 'tolerant' UK people might still be closeted in their thirties. I think this gives me the answer. However tolerant people around are (and it helps, of course) it's still an incredibly difficult thing to say.

    Well done for coming out yourself, and well done for helping this friend of a friend. I am sure a supportive friend will be massively useful.

    ---------- Post added 5th Sep 2016 at 05:54 PM ----------

    And yes, do invite him for a drink.
     
    #3 CharacterStudy, Sep 5, 2016
  4. HuskyLover

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    Re: I'm gay, and think a closeted friend has tried to come out to me. Any way I can h

    Excellent advice above!

    Invite him for a drink, make him feel safe and comfortable with you, and when he's ready he'll eventually tell you (if he's gay). Never push someone to come out, that's the worst thing you could do.
     
    #4 HuskyLover, Sep 5, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2016
  5. faustian1

    faustian1
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    Re: I'm gay, and think a closeted friend has tried to come out to me. Any way I can h

    ^^^This sounds like it's really on the right track. I'm no social genius, but if I were doing this I'd talk about how I felt in middle school, what I knew, what I was in denial about. I'd do this by telling a funny story or two. A sort of discussion of real life stuff. A lot of "straight" guys seem kind of curious about what being gay is like. I think if anything there has been some progress in the idea that maybe being gay isn't as instantly contagious as it used to be, at least observing my daughter's generation and how they interact with sexual minorities.

    I'm not sure I'd ask him any questions about this. I'd just try to put the real me out there a little, as it to say I'm available for friendship, and see if he's interested. Trust is something that builds up over time.
     
    #5 faustian1, Sep 5, 2016
  6. WhiteShadows

    WhiteShadows
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    Re: I'm gay, and think a closeted friend has tried to come out to me. Any way I can h

    Yeah, I think telling him about yourself first wilk make him feel more comfortable in opening up to you.
     
    #6 WhiteShadows, Sep 5, 2016
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