I tend to only pop in on this forum every now and then when I need it, but I don't think I need any help right now. Instead, I thought it would be worth an update and hopefully it will resonate with some of you and give you some support. Basically over the last few months I've been more open about my sexuality and it's been really great being so honest and open with the people I really want to be close with. In this time one of my best friends came out to his family and friends as bisexual and he attributed my coming out to giving him the courage, despite being in a long-term relationship with a female for the last two years (which is still going strong by the way). I'm very proud of him and as much as I am flattered by his gratitude, I think it says more about his character in terms of how he has decided to be so open. It's also given me the privilege of having my first real close LGBT+ friend - and I didn't really have to make any effort! It's been awesome having him as an outlet to talk about my sexuality because at the end of day he is most likely to understand out of all my friends. One day we were discussing myself and relationships and I told him that I didn't really see myself getting the opportunity to meet that special someone in my life. While I'd absolutely relish the chance, I also don't mind solitude and I would much rather be single and happy than in a relationship and unhappy. I'm not the type of guy who likes clubbing and hookups and I feel it's best for me to steer clear of the apps and websites. The type of guy I am, and the type of guy I want, is merely hidden in society. Nonetheless, my friend said something beautiful to me: your probability of success with a given guy is low, but if you never give yourself the chance, the probability will always be zero. It was such a nice thing to say, and something my mum also agrees with. It got me thinking that instead of looking around and daydreaming about crushes that I automatically pigeon-hole as unrealistic, that I instead do my best to pursue them and at least give myself a shot. With this in mind, I had a go. For six months I'd been staring at the cute guy across the lecture theatre without ever finding out anything about him - not even his name. I decided I was going to find out more about this person and see where it would take me. Over time, I found out his name and got to know him a little bit, but I found out that he was straight and had a girlfriend. It was a little sad seeing that possibility fall through but in turning this into a positive I'm happy I at least put myself out there. I definitely feel I have the confidence to do this sort of thing again. I know this is a bit of an odd rambling and story but I guess it's showing that I'm slowly gaining more and more confidence to make my way in this world. In terms of my identity, there's still things I need to work on (e.g. I still can't muster the courage to go to a "gay" group). However, I've definitely found happiness in myself, my relationships with others and in what I'm doing, and with this attitude I'm growing ever hopeful that romance may come into fruition. I hope there's at least some of this that can give others some sense of positivity in their lives.
Nice post! I love this. Each time you take a step like this it's just another rung climbing up the confidence ladder. Sure it's too bad the guy is straight, but this isn't really the point. The takeaway from this is you knowing you had the courage to interact with him. Confidence builds on confidence and it will keep getting easier to do things like this. Reminds me of a quote I have about running in relation to doing races. But I think it applies to overall life too, and our willingness to start taking risks, just like you did in finding out a bit more about your crush. 'The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.'
Hey Astrocyte, Thanks for sharing! That best friends of yours was very courageous to Come Out like that. He could have just Come Out to you so that you knew that you are not alone, but, as you said, it really does say a lot about his character that he chose to be Out to everyone so that he can live authentically. Keep trying to find someone. I totally understand that going to gay clubs/bars or using dating apps is not your style. I also understand that you are wary/unsure of joining gay groups or meetings, but, frankly your best bet for finding someone is to increase your circle of LGBTQ friends. You never know when you might meet someone who is more than a friend. And, as your friend very wisely said, if you never try, then you're chances of success will always be zero. I wish you all the best! Stay strong, my friend.
I wish you all the best! Stay strong, my friend.[/QUOTE] Thanks so much for the positivity. I definitely feel like I'm on the right path. Getting myself in an LGBT+ space is definitely something I need to work on. Unfortunately I have general anxiety disorder and so going to meetups and groups is really difficult for me - and while a lot of the anxiety does stem from my sexuality, this is a challenge I face irrespective of the nature of the group. So far I've just avoided social groups in general. I've had a think about it in trying to pinpoint where the problem lies and I think it's that I find the idea of going to a meeting where many of the people already know each other and I know no one to be very frightening. I've been to many social events with family and friends and I don't mind meeting new people, but I like having that group of reliable faces to fall back on and retreat to throughout my time there. I think this is why I've found adjustments in my courses easier - I don't think it's daunting when nobody knows anybody else. In my case, everything seems to happen in baby steps. Most of the limits I've experienced in life so far are those I've put on myself. Eventually I'll get frustrated and meet a threshold that will just push me to get over these reservations and move another step forward. In the meantime I probably need to give myself some patience. The progress I've made this year is unbelievable and I feel I just need to keep doing what I'm doing in order to get to where I want. Thanks for much for the support.
Hey Astrocyte, Baby steps are often the best way to go. You can make clear forward progress without pushing the limits of your comfort levels too far at any one time. As far as going to an LGBTQ meetup or space goes, remember that each of the people there was new to the group at some time. And there are likely to be other new people there for their first time whenever you decide to go, as well. It kind of sounds like you need a wingman. Do you think that your friend (the one who Came Out to you as Bi) would be able/willing to go to a meeting or two with you when you decide on a group that you'd like to check out? Just some thoughts.
