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I'm confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by CPS, Feb 11, 2019.

  1. CPS

    CPS
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    Hi all. This is my first post here, I hope I didn't violate any rules here and posted at the right place. For the past few days, I have been thinking about my own sexuality and I'd like to know definite answers to my many queries. The whole post might be a little bit long and I might not be able to reply immediately, since I'm writing this midnight.

    To start off, my "first" gay encounter would be from that one time when I brought my computer to a store for formatting, and the staff left a naked guy photo after the formatting. I was around 12 back then. It would seem to me that this is the "seed" that developed into my mind later years, and I mostly looked for gay porn online since then. I tried straight porn, and kind of get aroused as well, but somehow my preference is still gay porn. I also remembered that I had a girl that I liked during my teenage years, so I kind of justified myself during that time that I am straight that perhaps confused myself because of that naked guy photo.

    Fast forward to high school, I have a friend that came out to me and I told him that I did watch gay porn. We jerked off together a few times, but never do anything more than that (he went to further studies in Australia). I take it as me "experimenting", or maybe this is normal between peers, I don't know. Long story short, I never think deeply into questioning my own sexuality.

    A few days ago, I was alone in the house, and suddenly feeling in need of some form of companionship. Then I started to reflect upon my childhood/teenage years, and wondered if I am really gay, bisexual or straight. Due to my complicated family background (my parents were constantly arguing), I might have developed a fear to have a deeper relationship with women, let alone marriage. Perhaps this also contributed partly to how I am more inclined as a gay? I don't know. There was a sudden urge that perhaps I should try to hook up with some gays and see if I am gay or not then, but it doesn't feel right either. I struggled for a few days, and the best solution I can come out with is to try and have some LGBT friends. Listen to their stories. Then again, since I'm in a relatively conservative country, most LGBT communities (or apps) are just trying to hook up. In the end, I stumbled upon this forum.

    Right now, I'm just straight up confused and wondered how I get into this mess (still confused about my sexuality at my thirties). And if I'm gay, what should I do?
     
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  2. Ronfindsit

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    First off Hello and welcome, and your in a safe place here ... Lol. We all began with questions of our sexuality, and if gay, bi, or what... Lol. It sounds like you have a attraction for other men, if the gay porn excited you. I'm wondering i know you said you live in a real conservative area, but is there any LBGT support groups near you ? That you would use to help you sort the emotions and feelings. If not or until you can, you can always find someone here...
    Again welcome...
    Ron
     
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  3. CPS

    CPS
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    Thanks Ron! Unfortunately, I don't think there is any LGBT support groups near me. I've been in another local forum for years and mostly they just want to hook up, which I don't feel comfortable with. I'm also partly amused by the fact that I should have known myself better (since I'm 31 now lols) but apparently there are much more to be learned.
     
  4. Ronfindsit

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    Oh that's to bad.. I know what you mean about most of the sites being more dating / hook up sites. Then helpful information, i stumble on to this one when i was questioning my sexuality and looking for someone to talk to. But there is always someone here who's willing to talk and help.. The help and guidance i got here was a life saver, and i'm sure you'll find good information here and someone who can help you figure out your feelings and emotions..
    Good luck
    Ron
     
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  5. CPS

    CPS
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    Your replies made a huge difference to me :slight_smile: I'm feeling better now, still trying to figure out about life but probably I'm at a better position than a few days ago.
     
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  6. Ronfindsit

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    Cool i'm glad you are.. Lol. I'm sure as you talk to me and others here on EC and get some insights & you'll be able to figure out the feelings and thoughts, and get some direction... I know for me finding EC made a huge difference, giving me the help i needed to make the right decision for me..
    Have a good day and relax your safe here... Lol
    Ron
     
  7. Contented

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    No expert here but it certainly sounds like you might lean towards gay. Take a breath as we all have asked those same questions. Sexuality is complicated and for some of us it takes time to sort out. Finding a LGBTQ experienced therapist might help you put some context to how you are feeling. EC is a fantastic resource. There is so much experience and willingness to support one another here. It took me awhile to be able to acknowledge I was gay but afterwards the transition to an openly gay man was easier. In your case you may find that your gay, bi or perhaps really straight after all however you can only know that by an honest evaluation of yourself. The process is not easy at times but well worth it. Good luck and we are here for you as a support.
     
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  8. quietman702

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    Welcome to a safe place Ron.