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I'm confused and unsure and overwhelmed.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by thinkanddream, Jan 12, 2017.

  1. thinkanddream

    Regular Member

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    Hello everyone. This is my first post so please bear with me. Thank you ahead for reading.

    Some stuff about me: I’m nearly 20 and I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve had no experience at all with relationships or anything. I’ve grown up and continue to live in an at times emotionally abusive and unstable home. I do suffer from mental illness but I’m handling it pretty well.

    My problem is that I’m just so confused.
    On and off for about 6 years I’ve been questioning my sexuality, after I had a crush on my best friend. When I wasn’t thinking about it, it wasn’t because I had feelings for a guy or something. I just became too busy. I was never boy crazy and I never really found men attractive. I always complimented the women in my life and I always had little obsessions with different female celebrities.
    All the crushes I had on boys in school, I realised were because they paid me attention. I never really cared much about them and I didn’t act in a way that most people do when they like someone.

    The past few years have been really stressful and only just now, I am getting a bit more support so I have been able to enjoy life a bit more. Recently, after watching a TV character that I really relate to, come out, I started thinking about it again. I realised that I watch a lot of TV shows because they have lesbian characters. That was about 2 months ago. I went clubbing and a drunk girl kissed me (it was my first kiss) and I spent the rest of the night hoping she would do it again and I got jealous when she started chatting up a guy. Since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Am I gay? Were the TV shows I watch just making me think I was? I told my best friend that I don’t like guys. She’s been super good and accepting of me.

    I can’t really imagine myself being with a guy in any way and I still don’t find men attractive. The idea of dating a woman feels more comfortable and nice to me but there are times that I don’t find anyone attractive, even women. Like I will look at a photo of a woman and I won’t initially think ‘damn she’s hot’. Then other times, I’m so sure that I’m gay because I just want to be with a woman. The idea of talking to women in a romantic sense scares me and talking to men in that sense just doesn’t interest me. I don’t think I’m bisexual and I’m pretty sure I’m not straight. (I did those online quizzes too and they all said I was gay).

    The things I’m worried about:

    - I don’t find all girls attractive. Like I don’t find my best friend attractive. When I go out I test what I find attractive and I rarely find a heaps of women I find attractive.
    - I’m messaging with a lesbian girl from a different country at the moment and to be honest; she’s beautiful and if given the chance I would date her but I don’t really get that take my breath away feeling.
    - I don’t want to be straight. Am I just making myself feel this way?
    - I’m scared that once I work through my issues with my family that I will want to date men.

    Thank you so much for reading this. I feel like I’ve probably missed so much information. I think that I just needed to get a lot of this out of my head for once. It’s such a mess up there haha.
     
  2. Tijopi

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    This sounds a lot like me. I'm questioning myself so I can't give you the most solid advice, but it sounds like you like girls with a low sex drive. You might just have a taste for certain women, and honestly, if you feel like dating a women then whether or not you label yourself 'bisexual', 'lesbian' 'straight', or whatever, shouldn't come between that. Feelings are feelings and can't be categorized too easily, so I say just go with your gut. If you like someone then you like someone, and if you don't like someone, then that's the way it is.
     
  3. angeluscrzy

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    As far as not finding all girls attractive, that is completely normal. Even if straight, you wouldn't find every guy attractive. So that isn't an issue. There's tons of guys I don't find attractive, but to see one that piques my interests, that's just a beautiful thing. And maybe some of the reason for your tv show preferences, is that even on a subconscious level it is just something you're drawn to, it gives you something to relate to.
     
  4. beenthrdonetht

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    Yes that would convince me too.

    I'm convinced even more.

    You aren't.

    Won't happen. It's just not that easy (or even possible) to erase sexual preferences.