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I'm confused about my gender identity and where to go from here.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by MtnFr3sh, Jul 2, 2019.

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  1. MtnFr3sh

    MtnFr3sh
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2012
    Messages:
    496
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    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I haven't posted here in a long time.

    I'm a semester away from graduating college, and I'm about to start applying to graduate school for a Masters of Science in clinical mental health counseling. I live at home and commute to school, my relationship with my mom when I came out as gay was really rocky at first, but it's since smoothed over. She's met my boyfriend and he's even stayed over a few times. I mean, we're still a little rocky but for completely different reasons relating to money and college and stuff.

    I haven't really felt a need to come back until now because I haven't been able to figure it out on my own. I'm a guy, have been since birth, and never really felt like I wasn't. Aside from the standard dislike of traditionally masculine male characteristics, I feel okay.

    I don't really know how to explain how I feel, so I suppose I'll just blurt it out and hope it makes sense. I feel like a guy* with an asterisk attached. Like, not quite. I like some normal guy things like videogames, but not most sports (except baseball/basketball). I feel comfortable in my male body with the exception of hating any and all body hair. I shave my face but it's just not enough, I wish I could get used to using the facial epillator I got. I like clothing that's a little more feminine/androgynous. But I also like how I look in normal male clothes, most of the time, they're usually paired with skinny jeans though. I clean up well in a suit. But, that doesn't mean I'd necessarily say no to thigh highs, shorts, and some other traditionally feminine clothes. In fact, I think I look cute in them. I only wish I had the courage to buy something and wear it out, or the privacy to just wear something around the house.

    I suppose I just don't know what my best course of action is, or what I necessarily am. I really don't consider myself transgender and don't see myself as a girl at all. But on the other hand, I don't really consider myself as a man either. I honestly don't really know what it means to be intersex, I know that's more a medical thing so please forgive me on that one. I'm not familiar with some of these terms and only recently started trying to dig to figure out what I am.

    I feel like I've always kind felt this way, but haven't really had the freedom to breathe and recognize it. It's hard to put this into words. I feel like genderfluid is close but I'm not sure. Because I wouldn't feel comfortable being called a girl and having pronouns like she/her. Like he/him and they/them are feel absolutely appropriate to describe me. I mean. I've considered taking HRT with blockers to prevent breast growth, but I honestly have no idea. My body type is slim, honestly scrawny is the best way to describe it. 5'7" and about 115LBS max. I'm honestly pretty satisfied with it, I just wish two key areas were bigger; my thighs and my glutes (to but it nicely)

    I would tell a psychiatrist/counselor about this stuff if I had any health insurance. But I don't. After I graduated highschool my dad kicked me off his insurance because my parent's divorce order only required him to keep it until then, and my mom has government insurance I'm not eligible to be added to (Medicare).

    I'm sorry y'all, I'm not really familiar with all this and all the proper terminology and I'm looking determine exactly what I am, and where I go from here. I don't think I have access to my account's original email address anymore, so I won't get notifications about replies. But I'll try checking back later for any insights anybody might have to offer.
     
    #1 MtnFr3sh, Jul 2, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2019
  2. Cinnamon Bunny

    Cinnamon Bunny
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 23, 2016
    Messages:
    423
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    Location:
    South USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    This stuff can be stressful and confusing to navigate. Especially with school going on and living at home when family aren't the most open. Don't forget to breathe and pace yourself. If you have plans to move out at some point, could you wait to figure this out?

    At the end of the day you are yourself. Labels are just crafted language of broad catagories to try to help us communicate what we're experiencing which is far more nuance. It won't always fit just right. You're not a label, you are you a unique and complex person. I get it, labels are helpful. Even if to say "I'm not that". Yet a label won't tell you what to do or what's best for you or if to get surgery, you have to figure out that out for yourself. Not every transgender person walks the exact same path. Chances are, you won't know more clearly what you want until you start trying things out. It can be a slow process because feelings evolve. So Experiment. Try out pronouns, try out outfits, try on padding to give you curves in thighs and glutes. Things that aren't permanent but can give you some insight even if it's just 10 mins here and there. If you can't experiment too much now since you live at home, experiment in anonymous online social spaces and video games avatars.

    Would non-binary be a better term here? Non-binary may be a good label since you feel neither male or female. Being non-binary doesn't mean you have to look androgynous, be a mixed of both, or neither, or can't have masculine leaning qualities. For you it may just mean you're closer to male than not or you just like typical masculine expressions. You can look up more specific terms under non-binary.

    Thing is, people may feel different things at different times because we may feel more connected or congruent with our gender on different days. Sometimes we may just feel like "yourself" not a gender. Sometimes we feel very masculine or feminine because of clothes, makeup, binders, interests, etc. That's where the concepts of disphoria and euphoria are helpful because wearing makeup could cause disphoria in one person but euphoria in another person.

    HRT and taking blockers would cancel each other out and do nothing. If you want no hair and to be thicker in certain places: laser hair removal and body sculpting may be more helpful. Maybe look at non-binary options and ideas for transition.
     
    #2 Cinnamon Bunny, Jul 3, 2019
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