I'm being pressured to have sex- please help

Unfortunately I've failed yet again at being assertive and standing up for myself. I've failed everyone here who gave me good advice.

I texted him asking if he was OK and saying if he doesn't want to see me again that's fine. I didn't say how he made me feel uncomfy or say I definitely wasn't interested in seeing him again. I haven't even blocked him. He hasn't responded and I doubt he will.

All I can think of is how bad I must have made him feel for not going along with what he wanted to do (even though I did to some extent). And how I was inconsiderate by being like this when his relative had died, he was very busy at work and had some health problems himself. I feel selfish and ungrateful on one hand, and a pathetic failure on her other.

What the hell is wrong with me? I thought I was getting better at standing up for myself but every goddamn minute of my waking life I feel like I'm just scrambling to please, please, please other people so they don't shout or get nasty with me or manipulate me into doing stuff for them.

I'm sorry.

 

Thanks. Do you think it's best I just leave it/block him now? The more I think about it the more manipulative he seemed all along. So much so that I am (for the first time in my life) sometimes catching myself wanting to get back with him-- which I am absolutely not doing. I just feel tempted to send him a very angry message, but it's probably not a good idea, is it?

 

I feel ungrateful because he was kind enough to want to sleep with me. I'm not conventionally-attractive. A lot of people would say I'm ugly. I have mental health problems. I'm not a catch. He paid for drinks and stuff, and drove us places. I was constantly asking if he'd let me pay for stuff, or at least go halves, and to let me make my own way to places. I hate being dependent on other people (though people on EC probably don't get that from my needy posts). Maybe he knew what he was doing and knew it would make me feel guilty. I felt a lack of control and I didn't feel we were even in the relationship, ever.

I am terrified. My Dad would always get stroppy with me and my Mom if we didn't do what he wanted to do. I can't think of more than a few instances when my Mom has done what she wanted to do. She always tries to 'keep the peace' by catering to other people's needs 24/7. I've picked up a lot of this habit too. It's an effective 'survival technique'. I'm a 'fixer' and a 'helper' and a problem-solver. My friends all come to me to offload their shit- I'm basically an emotional toilet (except, all I do on EC is unload all my silly little problems and never give anything back in return, so I'm probably no better). My housemate is the same- she throws a tantrum and uses manipulative tactics like the silent treatment when we don't follow her ideas all the time.

I'm sorry for complaining again. I look up lots of articles and videos about how not to be a people-pleaser but I don't really know the answer. I struggle to see where standing up for youself and being an a***hole begin/end. I need to stop though. I was recently in hospital and didn't have anything to eat or drink for 12 hours, because I was scared the nurses would get angry at me for asking. My health suffered a lot. I'm sorry if I sound whiny. This week has not been good.

 

Thank you @TinyWerewolf @Sunchimes and @Chip I have blocked that guy now. I would try to respond individually as I do appreciate the thorough replies.

@Chip sorry to ask again, but do you have any idea how I can start to get to this place? Or what I could mention to a therapist to get them to understand what I want to work towards? Sorry if that's a stupid question and it's just a matter of practice.

 

Thank you. I have had a listen to Brené Brown a few times but I will try again. I might make a post asking if anyone can explian it in a different way. I (think) I get the 'Be vulnerable' bit but it's the how to be vulnerable/yourseld (and how to carry on when you get shamed for it) that I don't grasp. Not trashing your suggestion here, I'm just stupid when it comes to psychology stuff.

Do you know how long I've waited to read those words? It seems sometimes in our society that to suggest CBT isn't the instant cure-all for any and all problems is a punishable offense. I feel comfy with the last therapist I saw (have seen her three times). She uses Human Givens primarily, which makes sense to me and I experienced a major improvement since once 'rewind' she did with me.

 

@Chip I have listened to the three Brown videos you recommended. I listened without watching this time, and I made sure I was in a good mood before I started- to be completely honest it has always been difficult for me to get past the thought of "This is a wealthy, highly-educated, straight, white, American woman telling me I just have to 'be myself' ". I know I'm not alone in that but I did manage to get past that a bit. The need for her to fill audiences and sell books obviously impacts the way she comes accross but I made notes and if you don't mind and have time (no rush) could you have a look at the below and see if I am right? Much appreciated.

I have condensed my notes:

• Shame= fear of disconnection= 'There is something about me that, if seen, will cause me to be unworthy of connection'
• We have to allow ourselves to be seen to achieve connection
• A sense of love and belonging goes hand-in-hand with a sense of connection. The people who have this believe they're worthy of it
• We have to have the courage to be imperfect and believe what makes us vulnerable (imperfect) also makes us beautiful
• We have to be who we are, not who we think we should be
• Be authentic
• Society/culture encourages 'scarcity'- 'I'll never be enough or have enough'
• Should be grateful for ordinary things, rather than chasing 'extraordinary' things (God was I glad to hear this- it really actually made me feel happy!)
• Shame says 'You're not enough' and 'Who do you think you are?'
• You can't wait to be bulletproof (perfect) before going into the arena (taking a risk). And that's not what the audience want to see anyway
• The bit about what society's expectations on men was veeeeery interesting to me, as someone who has been shamed for supposedly lacking masculinity in the past- and just as Brown says, it's rarely the Dads, Grandads, brothers and other men who are doing the 'not mascunline enough' shaming, but women. That's been my experience to, and has left me with this desperate need to haev approval and validation from women, even though I'm a gay man.

Questions:

• Although I don't like myself very much, I would still say I'm a kind and caring person. But what I got from the talks is that I'm actually not, since I'm not often compassionate to myself. Does this make me an uncaring and unkind person?
  
• I also felt a bit affronted about being told to be more grateful. I felt I have always tried to show my gratitude to people who do things for me- I always feel guilty when anyone responds to my posts on here, for example. How should I be more grateful?
  
• I felt panicked when I thought about sharing my 'me-ness' with other people. Hobbies, interests, opinions. It doesn't scare me as much as it did when I was a child or teenager, but it's still a risk. I try to be honest about them anyway despite the fear of ridicule. Am I on the right track here? What other examples of being vulnerable could I try to bring into my life?
• The thought of acting like I have worth raised 'disgusted' feelings in me straight away. I was raised to value modesty and putting others first above all else. Should I try to think about where these things came from in childhood? Write down incidents where my parents shamed me (because they were feeling ashamed of me)

As I said, please don't feel obligated to answer any of this if you don't have time.

Does anyone else have any ideas about how I can be more vulnerable. I do quite a bit (compared to how I used to be) but the feelings of worthiness are yet to come

 

That is good to know. Thanks for reading over my notes.

I've heard of Kristin Neff- I'll add her to the list of work to have a look at, thanks.

It takes time. But also, remember, Brené tells us that it isn't just being vulnerable; it is, in her words, "sharing our story with those who have earned the right to hear it."
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Thanks, this makes a lot more sense now. It's a good caveat to avoid oversharing or emotionally 'dumping' on strangers (because that happens to me a lot, for some reason!).

It's probably worth be paying for the resources you mentioned earlier, but I will have a look at the free talk. Thanks again for being patient.