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I'm back. Mom in need of support, my son changed from demisexual to now he's a woman.

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Turtlemom1, Mar 14, 2021.

  1. Turtlemom1

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    Hello everyone, I hope you're all doing well! I'm a mom I came here a few years ago. My son came out as gay when he was 18 then over a year ago he changed it to bi or demisexual. Now he's 25 and came out a week ago as a woman. Fortunately he has a few friends that are trans so they have been helping him a lot.
    His dad and I are very supportive but are also concerned for him because all 3 of us know it will be a struggle off and on. It's early yet he hasn't come out to any his friends. He is concerned about a couple of his friends that are dear to him and has been scared its possible it could end the friendship. The two friends he's concerned about really are great friends they are so nice, however they are conservative and a bit religious. I know these things could happen but what are some things we can say to ourselves to deal with it in a way that won't feel so crushing?
    Just for the record, our son is ok with us using he/him pronouns for now because he understands its real early we just found out. He knows we aren't being difficult. I did get a hold of someone in our local pflag so we will be meeting up with them in the near future. I'm sure I'll be around here in EC quite often. I'm open to any comments/support I appreciate anything any thoughts you could share. Thank you very much.

    Have a nice evening
    Turtlemom1
     
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  2. QuietPeace

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    I am a woman who was assigned male at birth.

    Being demisexual is a sexual orientation. So your daughter has not changed from demisexual to being a woman. She is just telling you that in addition to being demisexual that she has discovered that her gender identity is actually female. Both can be true (I am demisexual).

    This is most likely because she is terrified of losing you. I allowed my mother to misgender me for decades until she died. But every time that she did I felt like my heart was being ripped out.

    • That you are not losing a son, you are gaining a daughter.
    • That who she was is not dying or changing. She is just revealing to you finally who she really is.
    • That her coming out to you was probably the most terrifying thing that she has ever done in her life (possibly the most terrifying thing that she will ever do) and that it shows a level of strength in her and a level of trust for you that you should be very proud of.
    • That there is nothing that you did that "caused" this, she is just who she is.
    • That she is not "broken", "wrong", or "evil", she is just a woman and that there is nothing wrong with that.
     
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  3. Turtlemom1

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    Thank you! Everything you said makes sense. I did fail to make myself more clear in that when I asked what are some things we can say to ourselves to make it not so crushing..I was referring to any close friends of my daughter that might end their friendship because of my daughter coming out that she's a woman.
    As far as the pronouns we don't plan on using he/him for very long and definitely not years. I'm so sorry you went through that. But I will definitely remember what you said about it. I have had thoughts about gaining a daughter they were positive thoughts. However, at the same time we are human and I think its natural that things will take time. We plan to do our best though and not drag our feet on anything. Thanks again I really appreciate you taking time to message its very helpful.
     
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  4. QuietPeace

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    The best thing to tell her about that is that if they end their friendship over the fact that she is a woman then they were never actually friends. Friends are people who support you.
     
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  5. clockworkfox

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    Coming out as trans is an incredibly nerve-wracking experience, even when it's the obvious thing to do. Once I puzzled myself together in my early 20's, I started coming out to friends left and right - either they would stand by me, or I'd stop associating with them and I wouldn't have to deal with their judgement. It isn't a big loss to lose a friend who has bigoted opinions about who you are - I've lost a few. Other, better people came into my life after that. It will be the same for your daughter, I'm sure, because people are drawn to authenticity.

    Your daughter is very lucky to have a supportive mom in her life! That's going to help immensely if she has to burn any bridges...if and when that time comes, it's important that she knows that it's ok to lose people sometimes. That it's not her fault, she isn't weird, she didn't ruin anything. She deserves to surround herself with people who will respect her and care about her, and if someone can't do that, it's alright to let them go.

    Continue to be there to support her. Listen without judgement. Being trans isn't easy - everyone has an opinion about whether or not you should be allowed out in public, or even if you really exist at all (even the Red Cross thinks I'm hypothetical). But there's no reason not to grow into yourself. An authentic life is better than one of hiding. And a few good, supportive people are better than a lot of fake friends.
     
  6. Tuesdayok

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    Indeed. If they no longer can be your friend due their judgemental BS, then they need to fork off as that shows their true colours. They are doing you a favour. That quote something like trash taking the trash out....
     
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  7. Tuesdayok

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  8. Shadowsettler

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    Yeah, friends are complicated. It's unfortunate when people are not open minded or are ignorant of certain things that they do not understand. I don't want to bring any bad news but it may very well end poorly between him/her and their "Conservative friends".

    I do know some conservatives that are actually pretty open minded. They're only "Fiscally conservative" but the matter of religion can be a tricky one. It's definitely not easy. I have lost a few friends because of my sexuality. Hiding it probably won't benefit her in the long run. It might be better for her to come out to them a bit earlier, rather than waiting until the last minute then "Surprise!!"...

    But of course she should be prepared to be hurt. If she's able to handle the stress then perhaps she should "get it over with". It's not a good feeling but it's a lot like a band aid... it's better to just get it over with, if she is mentally stable enough to handle the pain of the aftermath. Let her know that! It's up to her weather she comes out sooner than later, but either way... ehhh, it doesn't sound like it will end very well.

    May I ask how "his religious friends" reacted when he came out as a gay male??
     
    #8 Shadowsettler, May 11, 2021
    Last edited: May 11, 2021