Hello everyone, So...I have reached a junction in my life. I had an epiphany the other night. I’m 50 years old and I think I have to finally face up to the fact I might be transgender. Throughout my life that I have pushed away a load of feelings as inconvenient or shameful or embarrassing. From an early age, about 6 or 7 I had this feeling of wanting to be a girl, of feeling dissatisfied at being male. Later on when I was 12 or 13 I started experimenting with cross dressing. I loved it, but felt ashamed. So I pushed it away and ignored it and hoped these feelings would go away and I could be ‘normal’. It didn’t help that I was fairly certain I wasn’t gay. I was attracted to femininity. But when I saw a good looking girl in a magazine or on TV I wasn’t sure whether I was attracted to her sexually or wanted to be her, or both. I had my first serious relationship when I was 19 and was open to my girlfriend about my cross dressing, which she accepted and in fact encouraged. But when the relationship ended my experimentation in this area ended as well. Whatever I did I couldn’t shake this idea of becoming female from my head. Later on in my 20s I decided that I'd start growing my hair and wearing more effeminate clothes (not skirts and dresses, but silky blouses and girls’ jeans) and as prelude to being more open about how I feel. But fear got the better of me again. In my 30s I had another relationship where I confided about cross dressing but she didn’t take to it well and it was a factor in our break up. All this time I’ve been confused as to whether my feelings were a fetish or were an indication of something more profound. There is a pattern here, isn’t there? I keep on pushing these feelings away and they keep coming back. More recently I was in a long term relationship with a wonderful woman. I didn’t confide in her. Again, too scared (though she would have probably accepted me). Then last year tragedy stuck - she died, very suddenly, of a cardiac arrest. I’m heartbroken and for a few months life became very difficult. But that time has allowed me to do some serious thinking about what I want and how I want to live the rest of my life. As well as this during the long nights alone the cross dressing returned. I started wearing her clothes and putting on her make up. Initially I felt dirty and perverted but I also feel like I am being me. I had the feeling the other night of wanting to be more open with people and that’s when it hit me - perhaps all these years I have been running away from the truth? Am I transgender? That idea has kept up awake the last few nights. It’s terrifying yet thrilling. The supplementary question is if I am what to do about it? I haven’t come out to anybody yet and inevitably the prospect scares me. There's also the fact I have an established male identity. Could I construct a separate female identity this late in life? I have never been much of a macho guy. In fact, aside from sport I’m not very interested in things traditionally associated with masculinity. Many times it’s been assumed by acquaintances and even friends that I’m gay. I feel so confused. I feel like I am at a crossroads in my life and it’s time I was finally honest with myself about the person I truly am.
Chico, My sibling. Fear is just a part of the process. There are five of them: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, Acceptance.(Yes I am using the Kübler-Ross model here, as it does fit.) Denial: You’ve pusher Her(The female self) down. Caused Her to have time out in the sun and then right back in the closet she went. And these times where you’ve done that I’m fairly certain you’ve had some sort of anger or depression associated with it, I know I was angry when I got found out when I was younger. Anger/Depression: Again I am only guessing at this, but those times when She was suppressed you either felt anger or a depression because this part of you wasn’t given the time of day? Right now it does seem like you’re in Bargaining. Asking yourself “Am I Trans?” This is one of the hardest to overcome, especially when a lifetime of living what could be seen as a double life is taken into consideration. To get from “Am I?” to “I am!” is not an easy feat. Here’s my advice on coming to accept yourself as trans: Try “Girl Moding” it, that is adopt a feminine nickname and go out as her, in clothes she would wear(bra definitely, give some form to simulate a breast). Do it for yourself, pay no mind to gawkers. Unless you’re very good at tucking, I’d steer away from body con dresses and skirts shorter then a high midi(lower-mid thigh is a good length for the shortest(at least at the beginning, you can go shorter when you feel comfortable enough. Adopt a walk that’s floaty in nature. Most importantly, let others use She/Her/Hers pronouns for you. Exposure is a key thing. my own epiphany came one night at karaoke, I had Girl Moded it, and that evening on the bus ride to the venue, a little girl asked her mother(in regards to me): is that a boy or a girl? That question weighed on my mind, until it hit me “oh, [shoot], this is me” and I suddenly found myself the most clear headed I’d been for months. But my that’s when we(me and the former self) made an agreement. He’d have the rest of the work week, but then I’d take the reigns. I think he was ready, because he relinquished total control that night, and only acted as copilot before fading into the backdrop before the appointed time.
Thank you Chesca for those kind words and advice. The last few days my emotions have swung between fear and anxiety, between feeling utterly daunted by what lies ahead for me and giddy excitement. And a feeling of relief too, weirdly. I knew in my heart the answer to my question. The metaphor I reach for in describing the last few days is that it is like a dam has burst in my psyche. I’m shaking as I write this! But I know now I have to do this - I can’t go back to the person I was. The female self, as you say, has been pushed down for so long and it is completely overwhelming the male who, up til now, always had the whip hand. If I go back I'm going to be ill. I know that. I am a transwoman - there, I’ve said it. And I’m happy with the idea. Weirdly, since I have admitted that to myself yesterday I have experienced body dysphoria that I have never felt before. I have looked in the mirror and felt disgusted at my stubble, at my flat chest. When I sat on the bus on the way home last night I looked down at my trousers - they looked like someone else’s clothes. As soon as I got in I had to get some female clothes on. Suddenly wearing male attire feels weird and..not me. Is it unusual to feel this way so suddenly? All I know is that I feel like I have been knocked me sidways. But I can see things with a certain clarity now. It’s clear I’ve been running away, hiding all these years. My first task is to set up some counselling so I can talk through these issues with someone. I’ve also mentally made a list of a few friends in the local LGTB community who’ll I’m going to come out to first. I have a few ideas in terms of a female name. That's beautiful way to put it Chesca. If you don't mind me asking how did you find/ are you finding transitioning? Thank you again.
I’m finding my Transition a learning experience, even though I’ve been on this path for 2 years at this point, I’m always learning new things. I am mentally preparing myself to take the next steps in it, even though I may be taking that step next year
