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I'm an FTM dating a straight man...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by unholysham, Mar 16, 2020.

  1. unholysham

    unholysham Guest

    I've been on this site for a long time, and this is the first time I'm posting anything. I need some support and/or advice.

    I'm a trans man, pre-op. I don't present as this 100% of the time, as I'm still around my family, who don't know. I am completely out to most of my friends, and my partner. I have been out to myself for 10 years, after many years of questioning, and have lived presenting full-time as a man before(when I went to school out of state). My issue comes with my partner....a straight man.

    I've known him for many years, and have been dating him for about a year. He did not know previously, so I came out to him within a month of the beginning of our relationship. At the time, I knew he was straight. I knew it wasn't fair for him not to know. I told him, fully expecting a break-up, but to my surprise, he seemed to accept me. We are deeply in love, and I'm sure this is the man I want to marry. It seems a little weird to me that he could still love me, being straight and not being attracted to other men, but we've been trying to learn more and overcome our obstacles together and work through everything.

    Now down to the issue: we are currently long-distance, and the plan was for me to move closer to him at the end of the year. His family has not met me, but they have seen pictures of me when I presented as a woman, and this is how he refers to me with them. He is very involved with them, so avoiding them is not an option. The subject never came up before, but I decided that I would like to finally start transitioning. We've talked about this, and he fully supports me, but...this entails a sort of coming out to his family, especially if I move to his area. He's scared to do this because he doesn't know how they'll take it or if they'll accept him, and I understand because I have the same issue with my family. We talked about it, and he's admitted that it would be easier for him if I just lived as a woman there. I'm exhausted, I want to get away from my family, and I want to be who I am, so I don't really want to move to his area if this is the solution. He's taken this as me trying to force a timeline on him for coming out, it's making him feel pressured because he really wants me there within the original timeframe. Frankly, I want to post-phone the move until we're both ready for it(aka, I want him to be okay with me and ready to come out, and I want to be confident to live as who I really am).

    But...I don't feel fair asking him to come out at all in any timeframe considering I'm not out to my own family. I feel like I'm putting a lot on him, and he shouldn't have to deal with any of this, and I'm at a breaking point because I don't know what to do. I don't have many people I can talk to about this, and there are no good support groups in my area. I'm currently in-between therapists, so I really needed somewhere to get this off my chest and ask for some advice.
     
  2. Maddog2017

    Regular Member

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    Hi there,
    Not sure I'm the most qualified to advise but it seems to me that you have a right to live your life as your authentic self, and it seems kind of unfair for someone to ask you to sacrifice that.
     
    unholysham likes this.
  3. Marss

    Regular Member

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    Are you truly sure it’s love? I know that it’s none of my business to ask that but it is important to question something so impactful. I think you should start transitioning and see where your feelings go from there. See if he really accepts you for your authentic self, as the man you are. If he loves you then he’ll want his family to know who you really are.

    Sorry that this can’t be more helpful. x
     
    unholysham likes this.
  4. Oliverrrrr

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Out to everyone
    What a dilemma.

    Like those above, i think it best that you live your best life - but only you can choose what that is.

    It might be that you choose to hold on transitioning to a later time, but i'd suggest agreeing how long.
    It might be that you feel it more important that you transition sooner. Either way you should be thinking of what's best for you. And either option would be the right thing to do.
     
    unholysham and Mihael like this.