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I'm all tangled up in the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mysteria, Aug 15, 2017.

  1. Mysteria

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    That's at least what it feels like. I can't seem to make it work.

    (FYI: I have a strange situation with my ex-husband. Because I made a suicide attempt last year, DHS is involved. My ex and I divorced in large part because we were told by our lawyers that would make them go away. My ex has said in the past he'd like to re-explore our relationship but not while they're in the picture. And yet, he's given me sign after sign that he no longer wishes to do that. I even emailed him a letter (after begging him six times to meet in person) telling him I could tell her didn't want to fix things with us anymore and I just got silence. I was going to come out to him then but I couldn't in a letter.)

    My therapist knows. My psychiatrist should know but when I was going to tell him, he had a student intern for the day. I just couldn't. My best friend knows and has never acknowledged it since I told her. Her only response is that people are attracted to all kinds of sexual sins. I told two people who took it the way they would take me saying that I have green eyes something equally basic. That was great, but I would have loved a little more discussion because they were the first casual friends I had came out to.

    I'm tired of being in the closet because I hate feeling like I'm living a double life. I printed up a logo "Live your Life" with a rainbow in the V of live. I ended up taping it to my computer because I was so focused on "Ok, if the kids come in my room (they help me carry in groceries and stuff when I visit them) will they see it? What if I forget to take it down? Will they notice." I can honestly say, with three exceptions, I don't care about anyone else; anyone else being non-family. They can un-friend me, ignore me, whatever. It wouldn't be all that different anyways. And I do know there are people who would come up and support me.

    But my ex, my children. If he said today he would be willing to go to counseling and to accept some of the changes in me, and accept that I have bisexual feelings, I would- for the sake of the children if nothing else- go back. Yes, I would be accepting never exploring that side of myself, but the presence of this attraction to women hasn't stopped me from having a happy marriage for the most part. I do worry though, because it's much, much stronger now. Now that I've acknowledged it, I don't know if it will be willing to be stuffed.

    But the way things are now...I want to cut these ties that no longer serve, and I want to begin to move on. And I feel like as long as I'm in the closet I can't do that. But I'm terrified that if I come out of the closet and I'm wrong I'll have wrecked the remnants of my life for nothing.

    How do I come out to a man who doesn't want to talk to me? Should I just email him a letter, tell him I know I'm going to get no response but I'm doing this for me. Out of my children, only the oldest four would really need to be told. Mostly my oldest. I do feel comfortable emailing him a letter, in fact, that is probably better for him.

    Also, any advice on coming out to a child with a developmental disability (autism) would be appreciated! She's 14.
     
  2. RJay

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    Sweetie, I think you are being too hard on yourself and making things unnecessarily complicated. Sounds like the marriage is over. The sooner you can just let it go and stop thinking about going back to it for the kids, the sooner you can move on with life. That "staying together for the kids" thing is never the right choice in the long run. Plus, I don't think people like us ever decide we were "wrong" about being gay. I think you need to explore this side of yourself.

    I'm a big fan of doing this kind of thing in writing. Sounds like the guy does not want a conversation, and so he doesn't deserve one! But don't tell him more than necessary. In fact, I wouldn't say a damn thing unless and until you are in a serious relationship with a woman. Only then do the kids and the ex need to know. That's how I'm playing it anyway. Just my opinion. Because their reactions might influence your next steps unnecessarily.
     
  3. Shorthaul

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    I have to agree with RJay, moving on will do you the most good. If he doesn't respond than he likely already has moved on, cause that's what it sounds like to me.

    As for telling the youngest, I'm a big fan of the simple way. Though I think waiting until things have settled down after the divorce is done would be the best. No sense springing so much change on them all at once.
     
  4. TrevinMichael

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    hugs I hope you get to where you need to be with your ex husband

    I also hope you find what you need in friendships and maybe a relationship where you feel happy and loved.
     
  5. Mysteria

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    Thanks everyone. I realize that the marriage is over and I realize that with a divorce having gone through and the way he's acting, I'm certainly free to date (like anyone would want to, but that's another rant) or whatever if I want. But I still feel guilty. And I can't help but hold on to a shred of hope that maybe I can get my life back.

    I realize to even have come as far as I have in acknowledging my feelings towards women, that in and of itself is a big indicator that I'm right and I'm not going to "change my mind". I just wonder if I can think I'm straight as long as I have and be wrong, if I can think my marriage is forever and believe that divorce is wrong as long as I have, if everything I thought I believed and lived and loved can change, how can I ever have confidence in anything again? Yes, all the time I was married I was attracted to women; but still. It's just so hard for me to believe that if the way I lived for 20 years turned out to be wrong, can I ever believe anything is right?