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I'm a lesbian. Oh yeah, and I have a boyfriend.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by anonymousjane, Jul 7, 2012.

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  1. anonymousjane

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    I made a bad choice, you guys.

    When I was 15, I sort of knew I was a lesbian but I totally didn't want that for myself so I kind of convinced myself that I could be straight if I really, really tried. That's the bad choice. It went really well for about 4 years, but now I'm almost 21 and in a 2-year relationship with a man and I really can't do this anymore.

    This guy and I, we've been together for a couple years, and he's my best friend. I lost my virginity to him but a few months ago, in January when I started to realize that I couldn't keep doing the "I'm straight" thing, I told him I didn't want to have sex anymore and he just kind of accepted that. Now I can't even bring myself to kiss him, and that really bothers him. I love him in a best-friend way, but I'm definitely a total lesbian.

    I just really don't want to have to tell him that. It'll just about kill me to hurt him that way, not to mention the fact that once I come out to him, I'll have to start the rest of my journey to out-ness, which is kind of scary. It's important to me that he knows this about me, but I don't want to lose him as a friend.

    Basically what I'm saying is, I know I have to tell my boyfriend I'm a lesbian, but I'm really not looking forward to it.

    Has anybody else had to tell a boyfriend or girlfriend they were gay? Do you have any words of wisdom to share?

    Thank you so much for reading.
     
  2. Silvails52

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    I don't have experience with that, but if he truly loves you, he will accept you for you.
     
  3. pinklov3ly

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    Oh yes, I've been in your shoes before, but my boyfriend thought I was bisexual (my ex friend outed me). Once I turned 19, I knew for sure that I was gay, but I denied it. I mean, I've always liked girls, ever since I was six. However, I decided to conform and we started a family, but once I turned 23ish, I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. I was so miserable inside that I'd cry to him about perhaps seeing a woman on the side, but he wouldn't agree. It was totally unfair to him and I regret it to this day, but we get along now.

    Please tell him, but once you're ready and don't do what I did by conforming to society's idea of what a traditional family is ”suppose” to look like. My biggest regret has been living in denial, but I'm so thankful for my kids; I love them with all my heart. I know it's going to be difficult, but tell him that you've always had feelings for women, but denied them; however, that you now know for sure you're gay. It's going to be emotional and painful, but it has to be done; holding on is only going to make things harder. I know you don't want to hurt him because I felt the same way, but it's for the best.
     
    #3 pinklov3ly, Jul 7, 2012
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2012
  4. dasazn

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    Ah I ran into a similar problem - the girl I chased around through elementary, middle, and high school for 8 years recently told me she was gay. She wrote me a letter and gave it to me about a week after we went to prom together, and basically made a point of all the good times that we've had together. It also helped that she wrote about our past memories before actually writing that she's gay.

    Obviously, your situation is a little different, since you've been dating him for 2 years, but if you have a lot to explain, I would suggest the letter. Be sure to emphasize (and thank him for!) all the good times you two have had in the preface of the letter before actually saying you're gay. Also, it would definitely be a good thing to point out how you still want to be friends with him and that it means a lot to you to have him as a friend. If he actually loves you - I'm guessing he does, since many guys I know would have broken up with their girlfriends if they stopped having sex - he'll be much more accepting.

    One last thing: make sure you maintain your friendship. If you tell him you still want to be friends, he will expect it, and it might help him cope, as well, to spend time with you.
     
  5. midwestgirl89

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    (*hug*)(*hug*) I've never been in your exact position. I did tell my best friend who was in love with me that I am gay but we never dated.

    I'm sorry you are going through this. If he loves you, he will want you to be happy. And if you love him, you will want him to be happy. I know it won't be easy for either of you, but you can't change your sexuality. I think eventually you'll have to tell him so that both of you can be happy. Like others have said, do this in your own time and in your own way.

    He will be upset at first but in time he will realize it was best that you were honest to yourself and to him. You both deserve happiness. I know you are very worried about hurting him. That makes sense because you love him as a best friend and you care about him a lot. Just remember that he and you both deserve to be with someone who loves him/you in a romantic way. You both deserve love, honesty, and happiness. He will find that and so will you.

    You haven't done anything bad by dating your boyfriend. You were confused and there are alot of societal pressures to get a boyfriend. The only thing you can do now is to be honest. You've made a big step and you should be proud of yourself. Some people take much longer to realize the truth. You are gay and that's okay. Someday you'll feel more free to be yourself and it'll be the best feeling in the world.
     
  6. anonymousjane

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    Thank you all so much for your support--it really means a lot to me that there are people out there who can listen and help me. pinklov3ly, your first-hand experience is really valuable to me. midwestgirl89, your words of advice and support really lifted me up. And dasazn, it's actually really interesting to hear from someone who's been on the other side.

    I know that I have to tell him, and that I have to do it soon. The thought still absolutely gives me a huge knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, though. Thank you again for your replies, and I'll post an update when I finally do it.
     
  7. addie88

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    as hard as it is to tell him this, it's unfair NOT to tell him...he thinks you feel for him what he feels for you. i realized (or accepted) i was a lesbian when my boyfriend and i started getting sexual, and it freaking scared me. so i broke up with him under the pretense that he'd be going to college in a few weeks and we should just go our separate ways...and then felt guilty about lying and told him the truth a while later. he totally accepted it, because he's a great guy...

    this is no one's fault. it is the way it is, and like other people have said, if he really loves you then he'll accept you for who you are.
     
  8. midwestgirl89

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    (*hug*)(*hug*) Keep us updated on how it goes and how you're doing.
     
  9. LookingtoAffirm

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    Oh man I feel for you a lot, I was in this exact position but didn't have the guts to come out to my girlfriend. The result was that our relationship deteriorated and she ended up breaking up with me herself. My advice is that even if you try to put your head in the sand and try to be straight and convince yourself it can work, it won't. I know thats really tough and sad and hard to stomach, it had my crying a lot back then. But even if you don't tell him you guys will end up having conflicts because of it and he will end up leaving you and you will feel the pain even more because you will have rejection/heartbrokenness to deal with too.

    Its best that you tell him and break up on friendlier terms. It will hurt him and you too if you care about him but it will save both of you a lot of pain. Its just something you have to do. Good luck and you have my support in case of anything :slight_smile: it will work out

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2012 at 11:26 AM ----------

    Also don't feel bad for falling in love with a guy and having a relationship for those two years, we are all human and suspceptible to those feelings, and plus when you're young theres a lot of confusion and struggles so you're liable to take that path. Its perfectly normal and although things didn't turn out how you thought they would you've had some good times I'm sure, you've done nothing wrong :slight_smile:
     
  10. liveitloveit98

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    omg i totally understand what your going through. I knew i was bisexual when i was 13, or so i thought anyway. and before i just told my close friends that i was bisexual because i knew they would accept me if i just told them i was bi.... last year i finally decided to come out to them because i descovered that i was lesbian.and it didn't go to well for some reason i just felt really awkward around them and stuff. So i told them "nah im totally straight i just wanted to see what you guys would do" then this week me and one of my friends dared me to ask out this one guy we know to see what he and i would do. so i did the other day and we were boyfriend and girlfriend for like a day. lol ikr?
    but this isn't the first time i've done this. ive done this several times online too when i was younger. I'm 16 and i really think i am lesbian.
    my family assumes that i'm a typical teenage girl who likes boys. its hard to be around everyone because i know im definately not straight. I tried changing myself the otherday with that boy and i regret it completly. I feel horrible everyday trying to change myself into someone that im really not. how do i come out of the closet when im still in highschool!!!? is it the best time to come out? should i wait? what do i do!!?
     
  11. Lovinglysyd

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    You are not alone in this situation. It's hard to know what to do as someone who identifies as Lesbian or Queer and has a significant other prior to coming out at all. Many have gone through similar experiences, but i'd like to share mine for further insight. I'm 14 years old, about to be 15, and i identify as lesbian as well. However i have a boyfriend whom i love dearly, but his mental and emotional state is far too nimble to understand how someone can go from pure infatuation to puzzlement. On the other hand, not telling them wouldn't be beneficial for neither you, or the recipient of the big news. And it'd cause more hurt than acknowledgement. My opinion? be blunt with them, say you started having or are having feelings for same-sex gender and that whilst they're great (or not depends on the person) that it would be even more confusing and emotionally painful, had you not shared this with them. Knowing them, they should accept you for who you are and who you envy and if my theories correct, then they'd give you a prompt; Stay with them to find out or not you're really sure that you're queer, or go separate ways but keep in contact. Like i mentioned before, it depends on the person but my genuine answer to this is to keep in contact as support for each other whilst exploring your sexual-life.

    I really hope this could be helpful in any way possible.
     
  12. bsg75apollo

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    You know you have to tell him, but do it sooner rather than later. From experience, I can say that gets harder and harder to get out of that hole you're digging yourself as it gets deeper and deeper.
     
  13. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi all

    As this is an old thread and any advice given to the OP may now not be relevant or read, I’ve closed the thread.

    Anyone is very welcome to start a new thread on a similar topic.
     
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